Back to Boom
Alright enough with my pity party, it's time to get on with the shit at hand. I promised porn review, ten things... and novella erotica. Yep. Back on track here people.
So, yeah something really tragic shitty happened in my life on Friday (somebody was gonna ask eventually)... and I had to take some time off. I guess I can write more about that later if anybody's interested... Right now it's like cramming a Salt & Vinegar Tim's Cascade potato chip into a gaping head wound.
Porn Review:
Unnatural Act 1; orgasm rating: 7 (out of 10 orgasms)
Impression: tasteful enough for couples to watch together.
So when not balling my eyes out and breaking shit I did happen this gem; Unnatural Act. Directed and produced in 1984, it was early enough to avoid big hair, bush was decent if not still a bit hairy... one word, leg warmers.
Okay, so the "plot" is that this musician gets hit by a car and comes back from the dead as a ghost to fuck everybody. Yep, only the people that miss him can see him. Is this similar to the movie Heaven can wait? Yes, of course.. it's an artistic adaptation as they would call it.
Ahem.
Well, I am a fan of Eric Edwards, John Leslie, and Ron Jeremy (hedgehog)... so let's give it a try.
Had a good couple scene in the beginning between the musician and his love interest (who by the way looks nothing like the girl on the front of the box). Had a really cool 3 some (2girls/1guy) in a locker room.. and I dug how he fucked the roommate that always hated him. However, towards the end Ron Jeremy takes the cake when he has a dominatrix scene. Oh dear god did she just stick the heel of her shoe in her own pussy?!?!? And then he licked it!!
LMAO
I would say that this movie is definetly alright to watch again. The acting is awful (expected, duh), the plot made me want to do needlepoint, and the dude that plays the bad guy is really an ass.... But.. for all intents and purposes the cinematography, editing, and budget was good which made this one a 7 out of 10 on the orgasm scale.
Another Porn Review: do you feel spoiled? Good, act out so I can give you a spanking.
Unnatural Act 2; Orgasmic rating: 1.95
Impression: I would rather take a 12 inch anal probe with glass stuck to it.
So I felt compelled to do this one right away so that nobody actually attempts to rent or buy this awful sequel. If you see it, run.
In all fairness, after the first one I thought this would be good too. Right? Well the director changed, and the budget definetly changed. Instead of good editing, scenes, and cinematography we plunge into the depths of basement porn, evident by the concrete walls.
The lighting... awful, I like to see dick when I suck it. And the camera men got a little too close to the action. I mean, why buy a zoom lens when you can just get on the bed to! Only problem with that is - if the bed shakes, so does the camera.
Editing, what editing?... this movie was edited so badly you actually witness him moving the girl around the bed and contorting her.
For those that are not "porn queens" I will educate you. In well edited porn, you do not see the girl repositioned unless it's a very kinky way of positioning her. Now, if it is scripted that she remove his cock from her ass then that's meant to be. But if you are adjusting yourself to accomodate the scene, clumsily.. it was not meant to be on film... cut it god damnit.
John Leslie, who apparently got up from his death bed to do this sequel, appeared to age about 20 years although it had only been like 2; it was directed in 1986.
He was gray and tired, and will someone hand him a fucking towel, or find it in your budget to buy some fans for the set.... cock smokers.
Poor John.
The plot is another artistic adaptation of the movie All of Me, and again badly if not worse. We got through the first 45 minutes and had to toss it aloft out the front window... it was making me cry.
Painful, this movie was. To the dark side I fear it goes this one.
Has anybody seen Beaver and Buttcheeks? I laughed my ass off when I saw it on the movie database, might have to check that one out.
So, yeah something really tragic shitty happened in my life on Friday (somebody was gonna ask eventually)... and I had to take some time off. I guess I can write more about that later if anybody's interested... Right now it's like cramming a Salt & Vinegar Tim's Cascade potato chip into a gaping head wound.
Porn Review:
Unnatural Act 1; orgasm rating: 7 (out of 10 orgasms)
Impression: tasteful enough for couples to watch together.
So when not balling my eyes out and breaking shit I did happen this gem; Unnatural Act. Directed and produced in 1984, it was early enough to avoid big hair, bush was decent if not still a bit hairy... one word, leg warmers.
Okay, so the "plot" is that this musician gets hit by a car and comes back from the dead as a ghost to fuck everybody. Yep, only the people that miss him can see him. Is this similar to the movie Heaven can wait? Yes, of course.. it's an artistic adaptation as they would call it.
Ahem.
Well, I am a fan of Eric Edwards, John Leslie, and Ron Jeremy (hedgehog)... so let's give it a try.
Had a good couple scene in the beginning between the musician and his love interest (who by the way looks nothing like the girl on the front of the box). Had a really cool 3 some (2girls/1guy) in a locker room.. and I dug how he fucked the roommate that always hated him. However, towards the end Ron Jeremy takes the cake when he has a dominatrix scene. Oh dear god did she just stick the heel of her shoe in her own pussy?!?!? And then he licked it!!
LMAO
I would say that this movie is definetly alright to watch again. The acting is awful (expected, duh), the plot made me want to do needlepoint, and the dude that plays the bad guy is really an ass.... But.. for all intents and purposes the cinematography, editing, and budget was good which made this one a 7 out of 10 on the orgasm scale.
Another Porn Review: do you feel spoiled? Good, act out so I can give you a spanking.
Unnatural Act 2; Orgasmic rating: 1.95
Impression: I would rather take a 12 inch anal probe with glass stuck to it.
So I felt compelled to do this one right away so that nobody actually attempts to rent or buy this awful sequel. If you see it, run.
In all fairness, after the first one I thought this would be good too. Right? Well the director changed, and the budget definetly changed. Instead of good editing, scenes, and cinematography we plunge into the depths of basement porn, evident by the concrete walls.
The lighting... awful, I like to see dick when I suck it. And the camera men got a little too close to the action. I mean, why buy a zoom lens when you can just get on the bed to! Only problem with that is - if the bed shakes, so does the camera.
Editing, what editing?... this movie was edited so badly you actually witness him moving the girl around the bed and contorting her.
For those that are not "porn queens" I will educate you. In well edited porn, you do not see the girl repositioned unless it's a very kinky way of positioning her. Now, if it is scripted that she remove his cock from her ass then that's meant to be. But if you are adjusting yourself to accomodate the scene, clumsily.. it was not meant to be on film... cut it god damnit.
John Leslie, who apparently got up from his death bed to do this sequel, appeared to age about 20 years although it had only been like 2; it was directed in 1986.
He was gray and tired, and will someone hand him a fucking towel, or find it in your budget to buy some fans for the set.... cock smokers.
Poor John.
The plot is another artistic adaptation of the movie All of Me, and again badly if not worse. We got through the first 45 minutes and had to toss it aloft out the front window... it was making me cry.
Painful, this movie was. To the dark side I fear it goes this one.
Has anybody seen Beaver and Buttcheeks? I laughed my ass off when I saw it on the movie database, might have to check that one out.
posted by Everything Nice at 8:55 PM
3 Comments:
You are what you know.
I like that name too :)
I've done the candy striper deal. Thankfully, the burlesque pole was charged to my Amex just in time before losing employment.
Gives me something to do, and provides training.
I am feeling a bit better, been busy with job applications and really left brained shit like that.
I can't remember the last time I had to use my brain this often.
You're hilarious!
No, can't take you shopping I'm afraid... BUT
I do have some Top Ramen around here somewhere I could chuck your way. Emphasis on Chuck.
Post a Comment
<< Home