Sure, we argue over stoopid shit like eggs.

So last night I'm laying in bed and I can't sleep. Nothing new for me except for feeling like I had too much tension and not enough release lately. My normal masturbatory/sexual habits have been stifled by pressure, stress, and responsibility.. the three biggest libido killers known to mankind and the only three things that can make mandatory masturbation a task instead of a healthy past-time.

Some of you know I was hugely absent from the blogosphere last week, and might be a bit into this week. My job required much attention and concentration on my part, so I had to try and stay focused. I worked 12 hour days, I worked through the weekends, I worked when I slept.

I'm never given as much responsibility as I was given at work last week. And though blogging can be a good way for me to be social when I work (since really I have no co-workers), I really felt like I had to prove something to my boss and myself.

I digress, last night...

My husband and I had worked in the yard all day. He was tired and ignoring my whims of sexual entertainment in exchange for sleep. Silly him. No matter though I didn't get pissy, I got i-egg like any sane woman would do given this situation.

A smart woman knows that if she gets out the vibrator while laying next to her partner in bed, one of two things will happen:

A) You'll get yourself off just like you wanted, only you'll know its good because it's you and you can't possible disappoint yourself.

B) He'll hear and feel you next to him writhing around and get excited thus exchanging his REM state for a little bam-bam.

I get out my bam-bam, close my eyes, and work that fucker til my knees got weak. Completely absorbed in the fascination of my vivid creative mind and the feeling of the vibrating orb against my clit, it was awesome.

Being in a place I hadn't really been in awhile it was no time before I brought myself to the brink of orgasm....

I could feel it, it was coming.. and I was, I was... oh my...

*BZZZT* -pause- *BZ..Bz...*
-silence-

I stop cold, my body twitching for completion, my chest heaving.. a bit perspirated and confused.

My i-egg halted mid orgasm... what the fuck?

WHAT A FUCKING SHITTY TIME TO STOP YOU DUMB MOTHER BASTARD!!! I calm myself and look frantically for my batteries. I hear my husband start to giggle from the other side of the bed:

"What's so fucking funny?" I asked, a little surprised since I thought he was asleep this whole time.
"I think it's great your batteries just died, hilarious even." he chortled at me without even rolling over to face me.

ASSHOLE.

So, I realize there's NO batteries in my night stand and throw a robe on to hustle out into the hallway for batteries. Grab my three AA's, trip on my son's fireman's helmet and fall into the door frame, thus allowing gravity to help me fall into the bedroom where my husband laughs at me once again.

"Fuck you!" I teased "I wouldn't be having any of this trouble if you'd just fucked me to begin with!"
"Don't get pissy with me!" He replied "You've got a whole fucking basket of toys next to the bed you can use instead of running to get your batteries!"

I sit on the bedroom floor, rubbing my head and cursing at my husband.... putting fresh batteries in my i-egg to finish my job, maybe fantasizing about grudge fucking my husband with a construction pylon while he's tied to a love swing upside down instead of my previous fantasy... eh.

Okay, and the new batteries? Don't work.
Take them out, check the positioning, try again... i-egg no workie.
Get another three batteries, try again... i-egg no workie.
Another three... nope... it's busted.

I realize that dammit, I think I overworked my vibrator and now it's broken. And I'm teetering somewhere between lala land and shitsville so my whole body is pissed and tingling at the same time.

Weird sensation, so much like S&M it's uncanny.

My husband laughs again. I withdraw the paddle from my basket and slap his naked ass with it. He doesn't think this is as cool as I do.

"You mean to tell me you broke your vibrator? AGAIN?"
"Everyone breaks vibrators dumbass."
"How many have you gone through in the last year though?"
"What does that tell you? Huh? Go to bed then."
"Yes, I think I'll do that... but you're not going to sit there on the floor and mourn your dead i-egg are you?"
"No. Not for long anyway."
"Pick something else from the basket, let's see if the next one dies."

Just to spite him, I did.
And it was LOUD.

"Holy shit that one's a screamer."
"Yeah, jesus I can't even concentrate it's so loud. It's like going from a Makita to a Black and Decker..."
*sigh* "Well, pretend it's an airplane and you're on the mile high club."

"Right. fuck you."

"You need my finger?"

"yes! can I have your dick after that?"

"Sure"

"Jesus it's sexy when you say sure"

Anyway, when all was said and done, I was a happy girl with my clitoral stimulation and my happy husband lending me some fingers and kisses... of course it was like a lease with an option to buy.. his dick... but I was convinced that if I woke him up enough that he'd put that missle resting against my thigh to some good use.

Can I just say that anyone could plainly see that I should have just jumped on that and rode it home, right? Well sure, with anybody elses husband maybe.... But not mine. He's athletic and selfish in the bedroom so if he's not up to par he will literally pick me up and set me somewhere else.

FLASH BACK: First time this ever happened we had just moved in together. It was our second night in the new place and since we moved furniture and fucked for 6 hours the first night, the second evening was critical for husband sleep time.

He was hard, I was anxious, I tried to take mine. He picked me up off of the top of him, got up still lifting me, and set me on the floor on the other side of the bedroom. Then he walked away and lied down back in bed, leaving me to sit and wonder what the hell that was all about.

It's happened at least 5 times since then. Every time he sets me farther away... I'm not about to be left in the living room naked and horny on a Sunday night. K?

But where were we? Oh yes, finger fucking and clitoral stimulation... right.
So 5 minutes later and I'm having one of the best orgasms I've had in a while... I turn to husband for thanks, kisses, and the rest of the bargain...

"....."
"Honey, honey... You can remove your fing-"
"....."
"Holy fuck, are you asleep?"


"Uhhh... honey?"

yup. he was snoring. motherbitch.

So I think that truly tonight before I go to sleep, I must find myself a worthy replacement via a visit to my toy store. I will most likely get another i-egg since I'm in love with the product...

But then I saw this advertised, It might be great to have for phone sex.

*shrug*

I just wish the display was color, and that it had downloadable ringtones, right now it only has the vibrate setting... though I would never complain about how many calls I was getting!

Umm, they need to work on their slogan for this product though, I find that unless it's a double sided dong there's no way this will be connecting people anytime soon.