Why I *heart*

My husband
"So, I went to pick up the son at day care today. And, well you know how they have those high-school girls that volunteer in the class rooms in the afternoons...right? Well, it must have been spirit day at the ol' high school because they were in their little cheerleader uniforms... And ummm, they were playing music for the kids, I think it was 'kids bop' or something like that, and all the kids were shaking and dancing like crazy..."
"uh-huh"
"Yea, so there they were, the cheerleaders in their little uniforms... shaking ass with the kids. And I was like 'Uhhh, oh shit well...I need to kill this boner somehow... I better go back out of the room, and start again."

My kids
"Mawmy?!?! can you take a bath with me tonight?"
-or-
"Hey ma, is it alright if 'soandso' spends the night?"
"Is that the one who told you I posed in playboy?"
"Yeah, you want me to tell him to bring it? You'd be amazed at how much it looks like you."

My agent - (at 3:45pm)
"Hey E, sorry to bother you right now but.. I didn't receive your submission... could you hand deliver it? Supposed to be in print by 5."
"Uhh, I'm working... I sent it, .pdf last night, you didn't get it?"
"No, so you can't drop it off?"
"Well, I suppose I could try to cut out early... but it would be a stretch."
"Stretching is good, you have until 5."

My friends- (via email)
Hey E, C here... just wanted you to know that I got a smokin deal on the suite at the MGM... that way we can hit Studio 54, party our asses off... then stumble and puke all the way back to the room... without having to scrounge taxi fare. Sound good? I hope the fuck so, I had to suck the nastiest dick for it.... but you'll probably contribute that to being a single thing too. Bitch. Oh, and I switched to coach, your flight... so we can pre-function."

My skirt
Yeah, so what when the wind blows just the right way it shirks my skirt wide open to expose the garter... big deal. I'm a giver. Besides, thanks to the splitting action, so indicative of a wrap-style skirt, I was busy flashing the truck drivers all afternoon on the interstate enroute to the agent. Okay, yea I knew what I was doing.... they loved it.

My car
5 spd transmissions kick ass. Not only because you can fondle the stick when you're bored, simulating manual manipulation... but it's fucking hot to down shift doing 75 so you can reach 90 faster. Also especially handy at accelerating away from said truck drivers after teasing. Don't act surprised that I drive a stick.

Men
And you think women are needy, sheesh. Give an inch and they take a yard. Case in point, just because I asked you how your day was doesn't mean I want to take you home. Okay, maybe I do... but I don't want you to call me next day... and how the FUCK did you get my number?
Furthermore, if I have shown you my tits willingly, it means you're exceptionally in need of a special evening with Everything Nice... don't snark off the invitation dammit, just go with it. Go with it. Resisting temptation in my book is just plain stupid... chances are you'll never get a second chance to make a first impression... and we all know exactly where I want that impression made. Don't fight the feeling already.
As a side note: I really could give a fuck if you're not bi, I told you I would bridge it.

My pussy that bitch
because no matter how much I play with it, it always wants more. It's very forgiving, but still very greedy as far as my attention is concerned... And it never really decides whether it wants to play nice or not. Damn. I try and beat it to make it do what I want it to... but it never works out that way. Just like a man.

And you - yes you. because you're going to wait one more night for Don't Ask, Don't tell so I can play with my pussy....capiche?