Feared and Loathed, but only at the Wynn

I have compiled the following after thoughts of my trip to Vegas with my gal pals. There is a great story nestled between the bullet points, but one I think should be saved for awhile.

I want to thank those of you that missed me and enjoyed the audioblog, no matter how fucked up it was.

I would also like to give a big fuck you to those that made me feel like an asshole for audioblogging. I have cleared those from my blogosphere and will never be doing it again, thanks. Here I thought you'd be more appreciative... Silly me. No really, I guess the thought of scripting something after downing 5 shots, two hypnotiqs and cran and ample amounts of rum and coke just wasn't in the game plan. I still love you... grudgingly.

Further, (doz) I would like to share that I wear a C cup... Which swells to a D once a month, and thank you for initiating that verification and for the extreme insult to my curvage. Consider yourself bound and spanked... for a while. I did miss you guys and gals though... which prompted my drinken stooper to the net niches... which might I add are extrememly cool.

Carrying on, I now bring to you Vegas after thoughts as compiled by myself and my awesome galpals:

• Never ever tell anybody a perverted secret on an airplane. Too much potential to taint the ears of teenagers.. And/or Sunday church goers. I think one dropped and said a prayer for me... But I accidentally lobed an ice cube at them. Which of course initiated another prayer.

• liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, never sicker. This rule has been proven and noted for the future of my alcoholic well being.

• Sharing lip gloss is not about passing the tube around. To get the full effect of sharing lip gloss you must take it from the person wearing it... Or all three of them rather. Sharing is caring.

• Some women don't like sweaty balls. If you're in the throws of passion and she whips out a wet nap, don't be offended... Just do it. I for one, in your defense, claimed that I can do the whole sweaty ball thing and don't see a problem with it. This became the basis for a catty argument the rest of the trip... Truly I apologize for any offense C. I don't think metrosexual men have intercourse or otherwise without showering first anyway, regardless of the occasion.... Much love. Now, about the onion dip and the ass hair.

• Check your wardrobe before wearing down to the casino. You never know when somebody has scrawled "I love cock" on the back of your shirt in lipstick. Vengeful catty bitch, but I love you.

• If somebody at the high stakes area offers to gift you a chip, but only if he can tuck it between your cleavage... Double check the color of the chip first... Especially if you're two sheets to the wind. That $500 chip could be a $50... Or a $5. As an end to that thought, if it really is $500 then you have to do the pick up trick and retrieve it from said cleavage with your mouth. This prompts the man to offer you another and an invitation for a couple hours in his suite. Take the chip, reject the suite.

• Certain taxi drivers don't like it when you ask them the contents of their gloveboxes and insist that you see them.

Climbing the statue in front of Ceasars for a picture with his dick in your hand is really not a good idea no matter how fucked up you are. YES, even if it was a dare. Further more, there are really more balls than dick to grab onto anyway.

• Vegas police don't like garters, and will pay particular attention to the patting down of that area. Though, research dictates if you hike your skirt to show them you're not packing... They'll drop the lewd act charge and fine you for indecency instead.

• Some of those neat cookie cutter chapels will marry 4 women. I am still wondering if I'm a bigamist or not.

• Hot tubbing intoxicated can turn into a web cam experience. Note to self: next trip bring the fucking webcam.

• There is nothing as empowering as sitting in the high-stakes area playing poker and smoking cigars with the big boys. But watch the chicks in the area, they get pissy. In fact, no matter where we went chicks got pissy... dunno. It's a mystery.

• Waking up woozy and naked in a suite with 3 other woozy naked women is trouble. Especially if you think you married them last night and got an indecency fine.

• You can in fact harass your friends to participate in burlesque pole amateur night. And who knew we could amp the house? I'm starting a second career stripping... it seems to work for me. I'm pretty sure that's when the panties went astray. Seriously though, you CAN use a g-string like a sling shot.

• The Wynn casino resort is kick ass. Too bad we're not welcome there anymore.

• Video Camera + Drunken idiocracy = really good blackmail material.

And with that, I return to my previously scheduled content.

Thanks J, Zanie, and C for the outrageous and unforgettable weekend... much love to you as always. What would I do without you, honestly.
Oh, and thanks as well for the free blog advertisements that are now scribbled across Vegas restrooms in sharpie. It's gonna work out for the best, I just know it.