Emma hurts

I teetered over whether I should blog my feelings right now or not. But then I said to myself fuck it... life is not only about good things like sex, it's about the downward spirals too. So here goes my rant:

In all actuality it's not a rant, but a declaration that I hurt today.
Painful even.
I know for a fact that there are at least two other people that feel this way today... perhaps I'm doing this even a bit for them as well as myself.

Which is where I say: If you hurt, and you have my number... Stop and dial before you convince yourself I don't want to be bothered with you. Furthermore, if you have my number then It's obvious I gave it to you for a reason... no excuses anymore alright?

On another note I want to add that I think I fucked up a friendship today.
A friendship that was deep in my heart and clasped tightly to some feelings that had only grown much stronger recently. In love? no no. Well, not in the regard of flowers and candy.. but I did care immensely and tried at all times to be honest, up front, and considerate. I shared things with this person I swore I would never share with anyone. Secrets, and things about myself I don't carry over to you folks. Why? To me they were special, and genuine, and... hmmm.

Trying to do the right thing dictated that I had to break a promise to that person. Then, when I fessed-up that I had done what I said I wouldn't... the issue became problematic and all 'trust' was lost. I think that somewhere along the line it was forgotten that I was only ever trying to do my very best for that person... not to hurt them. I suppose doing something for somebody that you care about leaves you open to be hurt even more... Because you think you're doing right by them, and you hope that they notice.

Even if they did notice it doesn't matter now that I have obviously fucked up.

Which brings me to another point here: Why would anyone assume I am out to hurt or destroy them? What is it about me that projects that to my friends? Obviously it's something because this isn't the first time this has happened. Have I dictated somehow in the past that I intend to ruin people? I cry at the thought that the assumption is there... and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel love for that person. I tend to protect and defend them... I do not want to hurt them, I enjoy their company. I have stood up and respected that person from day one when sharp words were thrown their way. When questions were asked and assumptions were made of them I kept my lips shut and stuck to my end of the program as requested... never faultered about that. Never.

But now it seems that because I did my very best, I am an ass for everything... and there's nothing I can do about it besides say I'm sorry and hope that it's accepted.
I did.
The response was less then pleasant.

My heart breaks truly and i do cry. Right now? yes.

Not because I'm a woman and over emotional... but because my best laid plans fucked up one of the best things I had in my life at this moment... and I can't take it back.

I'm done doing my best if that's the consequence. I'm leaving early today, taking a long drive... and drinking heavily.

Thanks for listening... please pass the kleenex.