Ramblings of a drunken beach bum
I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I took my long drive.
I knew exactly where I was headed to.
I put in a call to the husband who granted relief from my tardiness at returning home tonight if at all. Then I surrendered to the liqour store and a 2 litre, and of course a stop by the 7-11 never hurts for a big gulp cup, ice and a straw.
I don't want to be your downtime
I don't want to be your stupid game
Finding myself in a very familiar place- the beach.
I go here when I need to reflect deeply.
The first time I ever came here I was grasping at straws to understand why somebody I had grown dear to up and died unexpectedly. Especially after we'd argued. I mean, I knew that we may never talk again... but not in that way. Thrown for a loop back then, and being a disgruntled teen with no understanding of the value of life, I cried and yelled at God. I left the beach that night with a better understanding of things though. Ever since then, I come here when I am not myself. I sit and reflect about every limb of my current situation. I call them limbs because errr... well, they are just that in a way. Extentions of me and my life.
With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe I'll find myself a new place
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
Go and try to shake away this disease
I have no black boots, but my crocs will suffice. I don't have a suitcase either, instead I haul a laptop bag and a need to free write my feelings, hoping some decent flicker of sense will arise from the fastidious typing... sheer emotional spewage. *shrug* Don't wanna be the bad guy, no no... I don't. But thanks for reminding me.
Shake away this disease? Wish I could... but I relent. And it's been too god damn long since I saw palm trees.
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
Right. There was a time when perhaps that's all it took to make everything better. Unfortunately things continue to be complicated and messy... I realize that I am not that simple confused teenager anymore, at least then I'd have an excuse.
I am still dreaming of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away
I don't want to be your good time
I don't want to be your fall-back crutch anymore
I am dreaming of your face.
I do want to be your good time, won't lie about that.
It's cold and windy here. But there's something beautiful about the beach in the fall. So abandoned and alone, stretching for miles without a soul inhabiting it. The waves crash harshly, slamming against the coastline. More gorgeous and uplifting than the normal lapping of the past summertime current. Sand is cold and damp.
I snuggle into my jacket and look upon the colors of the sunset. Sip my Big Gulp treat.
I'll walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
If only it were that easy.
I think things won't be the same from this point on. I think that even if you tell me it will be, it won't. I can't promise you that I won't fuck things up again though I wish I could. Dammit, why have I let this get to me so. You may have to accept me for who and what I am...
I convince myself that you might. Knowing you'll never tell me that you will.
I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone.
But I am alone, and there's sunshine.
And I'm perched upon this excellent beach, witnessing an amazing fall sunset.... with a drink in my hand no-less. I grab for my blanket and curl up in it.
I got nothin. Wish you were here. We could just talk and hash things out in person, you'd understand.
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
It's getting dark here... and I probably look like a freak sitting on the beach by myself with my laptop to keep me warm. I'll just finish this drink and sober up for a while, perhaps get some food. Bury it. Start over again tomorrow.
The sun looks beautiful as it settles behind the water, bidding adieu for the day. It's been a long day... I'm emotionally spent. Somebody hit me with something I can use as a band-aid.
Remind myself to spell check this post. Fuck. I suppose I need to take some HNT pictures of myself as well tonight... bother and grumble. It sucks to write drunk... seriously.
I need to find a Wi-Fi spot and post this fucker soon. Hmmmm...
There's a Starbucks around the corner, perfect.
I want to hear your voice.
It will be a clear, crisp evening... and the stars are beginning to buckle through the dusk painting a vivd snapshot as a reminder that I will never change, no matter how many times the sun rises and sets... it's unfortunate and will eventually be our downfall I know this. But I can't change who I am... it's a fact. It is.
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
Right. I would sacrifice for one day to do just that. Would you?
posted by Everything Nice at 5:05 PM
9 Comments:
Castu - Wow dude. Seriously I wish you were here. You have some great words of wisdom.
Yes, I think my issue is that I am being harder on myself, definetly. But still something about what I can't change frustrates me.
It got too dark and windy at the beach. I'm surrendering to this Starbucks and them maybe the hotel for the night depending on whether this coffee starts workin' for me.
I so appreciate what you said though.. it permeates. Also, I like the fact that you presented both sides of the coin on that first comment... nice to see some one who's been there too.
Wanna go back out to the beach with me then? Sit in the dark... drink hot cocoa?
Blondie - yes, time will. Wanna come? oh shit...errr. yikes. *heart you girl*
where's the S'bucks and motel??
;)
Come home and let's talk about it.
I won't fly off the handle this time.
I wish I had accepted your invite to the beach. Im kicking myself about it now.
You know my number, I can meet you at the hotel if you are not able to drive.
i don't think anyone waiting for coffee to work should be driving
*hugs em*
i'm stuck at work so I can't comment fully.
hopefully one of the comments above was what you were waiting to hear/read.
i wish i could be there now to lend an ear or a shoulder; i hate it when my friends suffer and i'm unable to help in any way.
know that my thoughts are of you and with you, and that things get better soon ... *hugs sass who's huggin' em for the massive all-encumbering hug*
Hi Emma
It's now morning here in the UK.
I thought about you as I made my first cup of coffee.
I hope you have got this out of your system and are starting to heal today.
You are who you are, don't change, that's why people love you so much.
Here's a great big hug and kiss.
Take care girl.
Suze X
I like being near the ocean too when I'm sad, depressed, bereaved, etc.
There's this stretch of road leading out to the port and the Glass Breakwater ... decently long stretch of road where you can pull over to the side, sit atop the seawall, in front of which are piled a jumble of boulders, rocks and concrete pylon things, and just watch, hear and feel the waves crash ashore.
I liked it there because it looked and sounded and felt like what I was feeling inside.
The best times where/are when it's rainy and storming and the waves are just crazy intense. Plus, if someone happens upon you, your sorrowful tears are hidden by the downpour. That's always a bonus.
I don't get out to that point much anymore.
Not that I never feel that way anymore ...
... it's just now that I live alone, I can be as morose and wailing as I wanna be ...
i really hope you're feeling better; that things are better today. *smooch*
We've probably all been where you are. In my case, it took time... like 9 months or so) before the special friend came back and said "Thanks for having my back." He knew that what I did had been because I cared so much, but it also hurt him a lot at the time. But when the caring is there, time eases the hurt.
I hope the above note means things are getting better. If not... I'm sending big hugs until time passes and they are better.
It will get better.
EN:
Your post was both sad and enlightening. How you were able to show such insight while apparently drinking too much shows me that you are a sincere and caring person. Hold on to that. People like you are a rarity these days (no offense to the others).
Trust is an important thing between two people. I'm going to mention something here that I haven't mentioned to anyone. Not even my sister.
Five years ago my wife did something which made me lose all trust in her. She means the world to me and I could not see my life without her in it so I fought for her. I fought hard. Our marriage is stronger now than it has ever been and although I joke around with her, trust is not a concern.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the people you hurt may react right now by not wanting you around or not wanting to talk to you but they will slowly realize that your love and friendship is far more important than your actions ever were.
They'll seek you out and make amends. Yes, your life with them will be different after this. It will be better.
Although I don't know you as well as others, I wish I could be there to put my arms around you and tell you everything will be alright. You deserve that.
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