"No, your penis is inverted"
Alright. Conundrum.
Apparently I'm not a female at all. I can be female at times... Well because I lack the ability to produce ample amounts of testosterone... But female female, nope I submit that I have been analyzed... And thus the answer rendered is that I am not a woman at all.
No people, I'm a man... and my penis is inverted.
So, you would think if somebody said that to you, the logical response would be... "Well yeah, *sticking out chest* see the size of my balls? And what a better place to have them than on my fucking chest."
I suppose for a woman to say that and have it be normalcy for her... Yeah, perhaps I do have a penis inversion dilemma.
So I take you to the other night when my editor and I were drinking and conniving what to do with the local rag we write for.
He had an editorial piece due, I had a self-help... Usually when we meet to brainstorm, it's a casual affair... Two drinks tops... Discuss only business... blah blah blah (that way he can write off the drinks as a business expense).
Needless to say, when trying to get creative about what to write in a sexually alternative forum... You talk about weird shit.
Shawn is my editor (you fucker), nice guy... Shy... Lives with mom. He's the one that lit the fire under my ass about the Emma 13 (plus hottie). And that was a hit! No wonder he's the editor and I'm a fucking administrative gopher...
He laughs at me all the time because I'm all about just being me, and not something well, that I'm not. Blondie can testify to this... I don't cater... That's for sucks. I just go with the flow and hang out but make the best of the situation or conversation... Or at least I try.
I like to have fun and not dwell... wtf.
Shawn finally called me on it. Yep, he did... "Emma, see, you're problem is that you're NOT a woman in the roundest of terms. On a steep grading curve I'd put you on the way end of being female."
"Shut up Shawn, you know I can't help looking."
"But you had the neck crane."
"She was hot" as I motioned to the waitress.
"You're buying her a drink, aren't you?"
"Maybe." And then to the waitress "Can you please put one of her drinks on my bill, preferably her first."
"Christ Emma, what's wrong with you? Women don't buy women drinks."
"Shawn, would you sleep with her if you didn't live with mom?"
"Fuck you... Of course I would."
"Fuck me? Wanna arm wrestle?"
And the night went on with intellectual conversation about why I'm not female in whole... I mean, my fingernails are painted (and yes they match my damn toes)... My body is smooth and soft, supple and I'm sensitive in all the right places. I have curves that make a cello jealous (K, not really but that sounds hawt), and breasts....
My argument was that I could be a bit unorthodox in my behavior as a female, but I'm certainly no man.
As Shawn put me up to the challenge with the Emma 13 (plus one hottie)... I put him up to the challenge of giving me 13 reasons why I'm a man with an inverted penis and not a woman with a guy's attitude, and then an explanation if it necessitates it.
Here ya go:
I believe my assignment was easier than yours by a short score but I was able to come up with a list of reasons you are not a woman, in the societal terms or dictionary text-book definition of what a woman 'should' be. I think you will agree with me, if not in whole; at least a small bit.
1. You don't go shopping. In the years I've known you, every single time we talk or I review your pieces you always bash shopping. Every woman I know loves shopping like an affliction in one way or another, but you simply don't.. You abhor it. The only time you shop, is when you shop with a woman because you have no idea what you'll look good in besides tank tops and jeans... And those Crocs.
2. You love sports. Sometimes and in some ways more than some guys do. I don't think any one really expects to see little ole Emma get all ajar in regards to how the score is going because you got money or something hinging on the game. Furthermore, you make excuses not to write during football season. You think I don't notice that shit, don't you?
3. You talk like a sailor and you really don't seem to care. You said fuck at the grocery store the other day as if it were a verb...
4. Speaking of sex, have you noticed that to you it seems more like a recreational sport than an emotional experience? I have. What is it exactly that gets your emotional goat? I would say that 99.9 percent of all the women I've dated would say that once they have sex with a man they would consider themselves involved in some way. You don't carry that though... That's a guy thing.
5. The other night, I saw as many as 5 very attractive men walk by, and you glanced. Then, that one girl walked in (with the green sweater), and you could hardly contain yourself. So, you buy her a drink and what did you say when I asked you why you weren't buying drinks for the men... You said:
"I would have to put up with all the bullshit before sex if I buy one for a guy. If I buy her a drink, she may sleep with me... And then I just don't leave her my number so I don't have to worry about the after sex bullshit."
SO, what was feminine about that statement?
6. Women go to pampered chef, you go to poker night.
7. You smoke cigars and talk about women better than the men do. You've written about this before though, so you're fully aware by why it's odd.
8. You react, you get destructive.... Not vindictive. Emma you wreck shit, like filing cabinets. I would almost rather you put on your blog that I live with my mother than for you to dent a filing cabinet one more time. I keep trusty dusty here now just for your abuse.
All my ex-girlfriends have done the revenge thing pretty well... Why don't you? Well, because you are either at two extremes here; a- you really don't give a fuck and blow it off, or b- you punch something, stew in it, and then it's like nothing ever happened. I'm still waiting for you to hold a grudge.
9. You're an outdoors freak on a leash. Camping, fishing, hiking, boating, running, whatever... If you're outside chopping something or lighting a fire with dust and a fart you're hip to it. I would like to know though, what possesses you to be naked when you're in the wild? Alright, maybe we should save that for another time.
10. You eat bugs, drink beer and burp, operate high-powered machinery... You never ever ever wear a dress. I'm not talking about skirts, im talking about dresses. When was the last time you got all pretty? You don't go to spa's, or out with the girls unless you're sleeping with them. If you do go out with the girls, you're buying them drinks or ordering their food for them.
11. You need sex more than the average 18 year old guy with a swingin' dick and no agenda.
12. You shelter your emotions really well until you need to apply them. Most of my dates start crying if you tell her she doesn't look right in 'that' color... You always tell me not to fucking look then...
13. The selective hearing and vague response thing you do is almost uncanny. I for one, don't appreciate that you know our tricks. The 'uh-huh's and 'really?'s you pull when you're actually to enamored with her breasts to notice what she's saying. Or the times when you hear only the part of the assignment or criticism you want to hear. Although, it's nice that you don't go all flighty and off the hook when I don't give you proper kudos or constructiveness.
Now, please do your stupid movie review so we can make the deadline without having to work into the early morning hours this weekend, please? And make sure to report back about your Valentines Day party tomorrow or I'll have your ass in the palm of my hand.
Happy V-Day from a singleton.
Shawn
Okay, well... I'm not going to overthink this. I'm just going to say this...
HOT SHAWN, I love it when you talk dirty to me! That's new for you... you didn't hurt yourself doing that did you? I think Mom will need to get some band-aids....
Am I doing anything special for Valentines Day? Hell yea, Johns having a party... And there will be no Dominatrix there... So my ass will be happy. Literally and figuratively.
Did I get the red number I spoke about previously to wear? No, i didn't get it in time... but I have a nice pink number I could sport to the pahtay.
Happy Valentines Day people, regardless or your dating status... you'll always have love here!
*and my posse could kick anybody else's posse's ass... just beleive dat*
Apparently I'm not a female at all. I can be female at times... Well because I lack the ability to produce ample amounts of testosterone... But female female, nope I submit that I have been analyzed... And thus the answer rendered is that I am not a woman at all.
No people, I'm a man... and my penis is inverted.
So, you would think if somebody said that to you, the logical response would be... "Well yeah, *sticking out chest* see the size of my balls? And what a better place to have them than on my fucking chest."
I suppose for a woman to say that and have it be normalcy for her... Yeah, perhaps I do have a penis inversion dilemma.
So I take you to the other night when my editor and I were drinking and conniving what to do with the local rag we write for.
He had an editorial piece due, I had a self-help... Usually when we meet to brainstorm, it's a casual affair... Two drinks tops... Discuss only business... blah blah blah (that way he can write off the drinks as a business expense).
Needless to say, when trying to get creative about what to write in a sexually alternative forum... You talk about weird shit.
Shawn is my editor (you fucker), nice guy... Shy... Lives with mom. He's the one that lit the fire under my ass about the Emma 13 (plus hottie). And that was a hit! No wonder he's the editor and I'm a fucking administrative gopher...
He laughs at me all the time because I'm all about just being me, and not something well, that I'm not. Blondie can testify to this... I don't cater... That's for sucks. I just go with the flow and hang out but make the best of the situation or conversation... Or at least I try.
I like to have fun and not dwell... wtf.
Shawn finally called me on it. Yep, he did... "Emma, see, you're problem is that you're NOT a woman in the roundest of terms. On a steep grading curve I'd put you on the way end of being female."
"Shut up Shawn, you know I can't help looking."
"But you had the neck crane."
"She was hot" as I motioned to the waitress.
"You're buying her a drink, aren't you?"
"Maybe." And then to the waitress "Can you please put one of her drinks on my bill, preferably her first."
"Christ Emma, what's wrong with you? Women don't buy women drinks."
"Shawn, would you sleep with her if you didn't live with mom?"
"Fuck you... Of course I would."
"Fuck me? Wanna arm wrestle?"
And the night went on with intellectual conversation about why I'm not female in whole... I mean, my fingernails are painted (and yes they match my damn toes)... My body is smooth and soft, supple and I'm sensitive in all the right places. I have curves that make a cello jealous (K, not really but that sounds hawt), and breasts....
My argument was that I could be a bit unorthodox in my behavior as a female, but I'm certainly no man.
As Shawn put me up to the challenge with the Emma 13 (plus one hottie)... I put him up to the challenge of giving me 13 reasons why I'm a man with an inverted penis and not a woman with a guy's attitude, and then an explanation if it necessitates it.
Here ya go:
I believe my assignment was easier than yours by a short score but I was able to come up with a list of reasons you are not a woman, in the societal terms or dictionary text-book definition of what a woman 'should' be. I think you will agree with me, if not in whole; at least a small bit.
1. You don't go shopping. In the years I've known you, every single time we talk or I review your pieces you always bash shopping. Every woman I know loves shopping like an affliction in one way or another, but you simply don't.. You abhor it. The only time you shop, is when you shop with a woman because you have no idea what you'll look good in besides tank tops and jeans... And those Crocs.
2. You love sports. Sometimes and in some ways more than some guys do. I don't think any one really expects to see little ole Emma get all ajar in regards to how the score is going because you got money or something hinging on the game. Furthermore, you make excuses not to write during football season. You think I don't notice that shit, don't you?
3. You talk like a sailor and you really don't seem to care. You said fuck at the grocery store the other day as if it were a verb...
4. Speaking of sex, have you noticed that to you it seems more like a recreational sport than an emotional experience? I have. What is it exactly that gets your emotional goat? I would say that 99.9 percent of all the women I've dated would say that once they have sex with a man they would consider themselves involved in some way. You don't carry that though... That's a guy thing.
5. The other night, I saw as many as 5 very attractive men walk by, and you glanced. Then, that one girl walked in (with the green sweater), and you could hardly contain yourself. So, you buy her a drink and what did you say when I asked you why you weren't buying drinks for the men... You said:
"I would have to put up with all the bullshit before sex if I buy one for a guy. If I buy her a drink, she may sleep with me... And then I just don't leave her my number so I don't have to worry about the after sex bullshit."
SO, what was feminine about that statement?
6. Women go to pampered chef, you go to poker night.
7. You smoke cigars and talk about women better than the men do. You've written about this before though, so you're fully aware by why it's odd.
8. You react, you get destructive.... Not vindictive. Emma you wreck shit, like filing cabinets. I would almost rather you put on your blog that I live with my mother than for you to dent a filing cabinet one more time. I keep trusty dusty here now just for your abuse.
All my ex-girlfriends have done the revenge thing pretty well... Why don't you? Well, because you are either at two extremes here; a- you really don't give a fuck and blow it off, or b- you punch something, stew in it, and then it's like nothing ever happened. I'm still waiting for you to hold a grudge.
9. You're an outdoors freak on a leash. Camping, fishing, hiking, boating, running, whatever... If you're outside chopping something or lighting a fire with dust and a fart you're hip to it. I would like to know though, what possesses you to be naked when you're in the wild? Alright, maybe we should save that for another time.
10. You eat bugs, drink beer and burp, operate high-powered machinery... You never ever ever wear a dress. I'm not talking about skirts, im talking about dresses. When was the last time you got all pretty? You don't go to spa's, or out with the girls unless you're sleeping with them. If you do go out with the girls, you're buying them drinks or ordering their food for them.
11. You need sex more than the average 18 year old guy with a swingin' dick and no agenda.
12. You shelter your emotions really well until you need to apply them. Most of my dates start crying if you tell her she doesn't look right in 'that' color... You always tell me not to fucking look then...
13. The selective hearing and vague response thing you do is almost uncanny. I for one, don't appreciate that you know our tricks. The 'uh-huh's and 'really?'s you pull when you're actually to enamored with her breasts to notice what she's saying. Or the times when you hear only the part of the assignment or criticism you want to hear. Although, it's nice that you don't go all flighty and off the hook when I don't give you proper kudos or constructiveness.
Now, please do your stupid movie review so we can make the deadline without having to work into the early morning hours this weekend, please? And make sure to report back about your Valentines Day party tomorrow or I'll have your ass in the palm of my hand.
Happy V-Day from a singleton.
Shawn
Okay, well... I'm not going to overthink this. I'm just going to say this...
HOT SHAWN, I love it when you talk dirty to me! That's new for you... you didn't hurt yourself doing that did you? I think Mom will need to get some band-aids....
Am I doing anything special for Valentines Day? Hell yea, Johns having a party... And there will be no Dominatrix there... So my ass will be happy. Literally and figuratively.
Did I get the red number I spoke about previously to wear? No, i didn't get it in time... but I have a nice pink number I could sport to the pahtay.
Happy Valentines Day people, regardless or your dating status... you'll always have love here!
*and my posse could kick anybody else's posse's ass... just beleive dat*
posted by Everything Nice at 8:58 PM
26 Comments:
i want to come to the party
Naah, you're not so much an inside-out man as a walking, talking iconoclastic woman. Tell Shawn that a good debater (or a good editor!) should be able to report either side of the story. Ask him to (no, wait, bet him he can't) produce 13 ways you're a woman and see what he coughs up. :-)
Happy Valentine's Day, Emma. All the best to you.
figleaf
Damn, Girl. I have to admit that list got me turned on.
I think you're amazing.
Nah, I don't buy it. Nice try, though! I agree with figleaf.
So if your penis is inverted does this mean your fucking yourself constantly?
Damn...I want me one of those inverted penis'
Happy Velentine's hotstuff!!
MUAH!
OXOX
Well...even though you are guy-like and I'm straight, I still want to fuck you.
Sorry I haven't been by too much. I'm sharing my office with another guy right now so I can't blog from work as much. I'm actually getting shit done though!
Damnit!!
HOLY FUCK!
Now it all make sense, I am a guy!
That is why I can have sex without feelings, love sports of all kinds,actually enjoy getting muddy and sweaty, dig fast cars and bikes, hate to shop, could care less about my hair and makeup at least 70% of the time, and am infatuated with my breasts!
Thanks for the insight!!!
13 ways Emma is a woman?
I can think of three, and I attest that Murphy nailed those directly.
Has any one seen Emma do the shower dance to When the levee breaks by Zepplin?
NO? Would you like to?
*That's what you get for blabbing that I live with my mom Em*
so does it make me gay when i talk all dirty and shit to you?
Bill - I don't know what frightens me more... the fact that you know I have a shed, or the fact that you know I have big ass rocks behind the shed...
Hit me baby one more time, I'll get my rocks off.
Sass - You're invited, can you be here at say... 7?
Figleaf - LOL, awwwww. That's funny!!! And a very good point actually... Happy Valentines Day to ya!
Kristen - umm, uh-huh, okay.. but did it make your nipples hard? Say it did...
Shy - You're just upset because I rock at negotiating... and I wear a skirt with no panties to the bargaining table. It's alright honey, you'll get over the shock any minute.
Madame - Holy FUCK, good point! That's some hot shit right there! LMAO... wow... fucking myself constantly. Well, regardless of the inverstion I do that anyway...
Happy Valentines day Madame :)
*blush* KB called me hot stuff and kissed me.. tee hee... aww Happy Valentines Day sweets!
Dan - No worries at all... and well, you can still fuck me... last time I checked i still owned a vagina... wait, lemme look again..
yep. it's there!
Murph- My toenails are painted. And well, that kind of attitude will never get you laid.
So, Miss Innocent, what do you say we get together for a little guy on guy action? I'm thinking virgin olive oil judo.
Scumbag - Why? DO you think you have tendancies? Should we discuss this while we install the track lighting? I'd still fuck you.
Shawn - You suck for that. Thanks! There's no way you still have that.... um. I told you to record over it ass... fuck.
Get outta my comments section before you insight a riot. AND NO AGREEING WITH MURPHY! That's just plain wrong!
Great, see... SEE?!?!? It's already too late...
GOOD JOB SHAWN!
It's called 'Rick's' Murphy, they host a competition once a year which our paper sponsored for a short time.
We were also to supply a participant for the competition to entice the ladies in the audience to be more anxious about joining.
The staff picked Emma, and she did her thing. Nicely I might add. The evening was hopping with ladies wishing to get wet after that one!
I wouldn't record over that ever.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shy, why do you post twice?
Shawn needs to fucking shut up.
Blondie - I LOVE YOU!
Happy Valentines Day sweetness, hope you liked the uhh.
(shhh)
Guess I'm a little late, but I have only two things to say -
1. You are HOT.
2. You are willing to have sex with a man.
Two things about me -
1. I enjoy sex with hot women (any woman actually, if she's hot its like icing on the cake)
2. I am a man.
I really dont give a shit what your editor or the rest of the world thinks...
Umm, Murph? That's claw FOOT I believe!
Hey EN, make that butterscotch pudding and you're on! (Gawd help me...you're HOT!)
hey emma, us and calzone are fittin' to get into some gangsta shit. you rollin' w/ us or him?
Shower dancing?!?!?!
I just got a new idea for my next class at the gym.
Wonder if they'd mind if I held the classes in the men's locker room?
Aside from #9 I think your editor has me pegged too...
Happy Valentine's Day to you!
*kisses*
I hate to break it to you, but my highly trained analysis (looking at pics of you, reading what you write) indicates that you are indeed a woman.
That your femininity might emasculate some men is their problem.
Emma in the middle! If you're a guy, I'm gonna be bi - but only for you, nobody else, nobody!!!
Giving my love right back to ya hon.
Very interesting!!
One question --- Why does your editor know what you look like when you dance in the shower??? Hhhhhmmmmm....
Happy Valentine's Day!! Mwuah!!
ummmmm what he thinks makes you have an inverted penis..
uhhh, well....i'm like that too
shit.
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