Death to clippy

You paint your nails to perfection.
Flip the hair up into a sloppy bun.
Slip into the powder blue business suit (no i didn't wear the penis suit dammit!)
and you kick on the heels.
You look perfect!!!

You have a quickie.
.... and then you start all over again depending on the damage factor of all the primping you've done.

The Seminar this weekend went off without a hitch! Seriously it rocked.
Not only was it fruitious for the paper, but for my career a bit I think as I was able to network and get information from some really heavy hitters in the local medical and journalism industry. Not benefitting to the career job wise, but man I sucked up some much needed information and advances in health reproductively. AND I scored on reminding myself of some techniques and facts that had been forgotten through time.

As well I got a nifty fistful of contact phone numbers.... For what, I'm not sure. I think there was probably some elusiveness to the business card hand-outs, but my perversion was on the back burner. I was trying to be respectful and noble.

Stop laughing.

I couldn't believe the audience response I got from my speech though, I was partially amazed really. People laughed and nodded more than I would have assumed, in places I would have never thought they would have. I'm thinking it was the delivery...


Or maybe it was my power point presentation.

I mean, I did go a little overboard with the slides... Some were appropriate and some were not I admit. But I felt a contrast was good.

So with every artist rendering of a man's scrotum, or a cadaver shot, I'd add a humorous one...going even as far to actually photoshopping a nice big smile on a prostate :) with teeth even!!!


Overall though I practiced control and tried to stick to the facts, statistics, controlled innuendo's... However I'd find myself straying and have to kick my ass back into reality. HEY you try staring at diagrams of peni (peen.eye) for hours straight!! It's a little taxing!!!

I wrote and deleted repetitively until I just said "fuck this" and resorted to a bottle... and well, tried to ignore clippy as much as humanly possible. Little sarcastic fucker....

Yeah this whole preparation of some uptight speech really got my panties in a bundle. I mean, I tried not to be snide... but really...

there was more tongue in cheek than a lesbian orgy.


So go me. Until... The next presenter after me.


The Vagina Lady.

The Vagina Lady begins her little schpeel on vaginal pressure points. Wait, how in the HELL did I get Healthy Ejaculation while she got the fun job? No clue to this day, I think my editor said some snyde remark to the wrong person like "Oh yeah, Em's the pro on anything ejaculatory". And he's reading this right now laughing. fucker. Because you know that's sooooo not what you meant!

Uh-huh, and as a sidenote let me just say, I love it when I'm called a cock holster.

But I digress, the Vagina Lady begins her speech, complimenting the contrasts between internal and external pressure... and then she takes the sheet off the table next to her. Low and behold, it is a dummy. It is very anatomically correct... only, it has no legs... and... and... her vagina was about 10x anatomical size.

Of course I'm sitting in the front row, and I'm a little stunned because I swear the lips on that thing were a bit intimidating. Even more so the faux pubic hair and the absense of legs.
*blank terrified stare* I never saw this model at any of the prac

The Vagina Lady continues, as she points along the labia majora with a steady hand... demonstrating all of the external sensual pressure points. Okay, good god be done with this 'cause after this pussy is not going to look the same for me.

But then she does the thing. You know the thing where she opens it to navigate internal pressure points?!?!? Sure enough, the rubber lips spread WIDE THE FUCK OPEN and there is the clitoris at the top, the full vaginal canal, and a great big purple fucking cervix winking at me.

I try REAL hard to surpress the need to bolt.

umm. hi. Im going now. But wait, this is kinda hilarious.... As I'm looking around the audience I'm seeing others with either looks of terror, or smirking while perspirating from not trying to burst out in laughter. I felt at home all of the sudden, and giggled to myself.

Anyway, you thought the ASSPRACTICER 5000 was bad?!?!! I am kicking my own ass for not bringing my camera! But I didn't think I would need it honestly! I was able to snap a shitty pic on my camera phone.. but it just looked like a bad picture of a gaper, so I deleted it hoping to GOD somebody wouldn't pick up my phone and think it was mine!!! *sigh*

So yeah, I don't have a shot of that for ya... But I have this.

After 15 minutes of being face to face with a legless stump of vagina I had come to many conclusions:

A- You could fit a basketball in that opening, easily
B- Ever seen little shop of horrors? The part where Audrey II eats the dentist? Yeah.
C- That's a really big pussy.
D- I have learned nothing since she unveiled that dummy.

What did I take with me from this experience?
*ahem* So yeah, I got to hear Mr. Oral man's speech about the history of oral sex which may have peaked the creativity in my brain... but.... I think I've bored you enough for one night with the seminar rant...

Either that or clippy thinks he's being real fuckin' funny. Little bastard makes me drink. Seriously, does anybody else have the bi-polar clippy issue? Or is it just me?

Anyway, We'll touch on oral tomorrow

I've also had some questions and requests on G-spots which I'd like to get to this week, the party story, and uh, The letter Z. :)