What the hell was that?

as a disclaimer to this post Im will say that I am extremely intoxicated. extremely.
I will not be held liable for any typo's or mis-spellings as I really don't give a fuck enough to run the spell check. K, that said...

What a great Christmas.

No really. Swell.

That's blatant sarcasm folks in case it didn't come across in type.

Now don't get me wrong, there were things about the last couple of days that I enjoyed extremely, such as:

1. Watching the joy on my childrens faces (always a plus)

2. Listening to my mother-in-law tell me about all the dorky things my husband did as a child.

3. Explosive ham-like personality traits from my youngest (prompting mother-in-law to tell such stories about hub).

4. Hugging martini mini... and watching him freeze his ass off (i heart ya!). I want your hat by the way... I'm expecting one for my birthday.

5. Playing Santa. Love playing Santa on Christmas Eve... awesome wonderful moment. Can't describe it.

6. Spending time with my family.

7. The Southpark Marathon on Comedy Central and a good stiff drink or five after putting the kids to bed. Mr. Hanky, we love you.
And that whole bit about jesus dying in Iraq to save Santa just about made me piss my pants.

8. Getting that text message from you. And you know who you are, thanks sweets:)

.........

But, BUTT there were some things that tore me into the holiday dark meat on occassion, such as:

1. My youngest sneaking into our room to see his santa presents. Little fucker... he's sneaky as hell people I tell ya. With the charm and motivation in that one, I do believe we'll have a gigilo-con-artist on our hands in about 20 years. No doubt.

So, the rest of Christmas Eve afternoon all we heard is "I want Elmo, I want Elmo..."
Needless to say, we gave him the Elmo and then it was off to the frenzied stores to find a new Santa Gift. Which wasn't so bad for my husband after hearing "Elmo's got a boo-boo on his foot" Fifty-something fucking times.

**** Which sounds remarkably close to him actually saying "Elmo's got a pimple on his butt"... That's how I kept sane during the other fifty-something times I heard it while my husband was gone. Elmo.. sheesh you drive me to drink.

The plus to that is: The new gift was wayy cooler!

It is the Superman Electronic cape which you slip over your shoulders and when you "fly" or throw a punch/kick... the cape makes noise. Really, it was good for more than one laugh... and the little guy really liked it to boot. Good job there Santa :)


2. Bummer. I tried everything to see my eldest on his birthday on Friday, but was never able to connect with him (even though he was only 30 miles away). Depressing for me as a mother to not see her baby turn the big 1-1 on his birthday. I think I cried.

3. My family is dysfunctional just like any other family... but in very strange ways. That would be a whole nother post. seriously. I won't bore you with my family qwerks. yet.

4. Children on sugar highs, laden with carmalized faces of goo... running 150 mph down the hallway just to bust somebody in the nuts on a moments notice. Nothing like being busy in the kitchen and hearing "IEEYYYY... no no, I'm okay... I think he just grazed them, but still..."

5. Zip ties. which goes like this (RANT ALERT):
I understand that the toymakers want to keep the products in the boxes...and I appreciate that because the less stolen, the less prices are. But really, how many twist ties does it take to secure a piece of toy train to a cardboard box.

The answer to that would be anywhere from 5 - 8 depending on the size of the toy train. Among the gifts that the boys recieved, most (of course) were adhered so strongly to the packaging I dreaded the opening of them. Not unwrapping mind you, opening.

Oh, and keep in mind that when you have a 3 year old that really really really wants to play with his Toby the Totbot right now, there is some pursuading that has to be done.
"Okay honey, just a moment while Mommy gets him out..."
5 minutes later
"Almost done "Sweetie...almost done...please don't pull on him yet, I am almost done, be patient and wait please."
So he waits patiently, and though I tell him he's a good boy for waiting, the minute I pull the trapped toy out of its packaging he's on to something else and has long forgot the need to play with it.

It's almost like an episode of Survivor if you will...I can hear Jeff Probst now:
"The challenge today is a difficult one, it will test your coordination skills and patience.

First you must wade through the piles of styrofoam without stepping on the hidden Hotwheels Cars to get to the excited toddler holding the toy box.

Then you must attempt to open the box without scissors...if you must use the scissors then you have to dig through the piles of crap on the bookshelves and desk to find them (cutting your finger when finding them of course).

Once found and while bleeding, you must take the toy out of the box, release it from its zip tie and tape prison in less than 15 seconds in order to keep the toddler climbing on you happy.

Once your gift is released and you have given it to the toddler, you must wait and see if in fact the toddler will or will not play with the toy. If you have taken too long, the toddler will find another one unopened and you will have to start all over again. Everybody got it?"

Can't you see it? Imagine...

6. Cooking for nine people comfortably, while knowing your mom is rushed to get Great-Grandma home at a decent time.... meanwhile Great-Grandma is hammering the glass of straight Rum she requested and hamming it up with the in-laws.

Ultimately this point is self explanatory.

7. It was my first Christmas without my Grandfather. It was tough not seeing him this morning in all his parkinsons delirium. I miss you Grandpa.... I found your hat.
..................

Besides all the ups and downs of jingle jive foder, I did have a moment to enjoy gift receiving as well as giving. I noticed a lot of you posted about what you'd received... I'll do the same if ya want :)


--There were a lot of pink boxes under the tree this year for me. Satin pajamas, velour VS pants (my favorite), husband picked out some nice hipsters for me (good job honey)... all in all these gifts will be most used, as I thrive in Victoria Secrets shit.
Sorry gigi, I just... i just do.

Luckily for me as well I have a nice LARGE gift certificate... so it's gonna be fun seeing what kind of damage I can do with $250 at VS. Anyway.

-- Some of my all-time favorite you-can-only-get-them-here creamy yummy chocolates.

-- Jewelry, lots of jewelry. Which is never a BAD thing, right? In an attempt to re-fill my empty jewelry box from our break-in around October... I got some beautiful Emerald earrings.Onyx studs and necklace as well as some gold chains.

But the show stopper was this beautiful Silver Blue Topaz and Lemon Quartz necklace (my all time favorite) as shown here.
Not only is in indicative of my overall style, it's the most beautiful necklace I own now. So there.


-- My kick ass fucking awesome Sunday morning easy breakfast for three hungry men toaster. This toaster is gonna perform better for us on the weekends than the Seahawks.
I fell in love all over again when I got this thing.
Bow down breakfast jack bitches... momma's cooking some sammiches!


As an end note, I did not clean my house after everybody left this afternoon.

Sure, we picked up the paper, zip ties, and crap that needed tossing. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna do shit after cooking a big ass Christmas Dinner after chasing glucose enhanced mighty munchkin and his side kick 'dog' all day. Furthermore, I kinda like the destruction tonka/hot wheel zone in my living room. Until I step on a piece... and then it fucks me up.

I now return to my previously scheduled program of drinking oreo's*** and trying to decide whether Blade trinity should be for my viewing enjoyment tonight.

Perhaps no. Perhaps porn. Yes. porn is good... we'll do porn.
MERRY POST CHRISTMAS TO YA!

** An Oreo (in case any one was wondering) is as follows:
One shot Baileys
One shot coconut rum (recommend Malbu)
two cocoa packets

Combine alcohol and cocoa in mug, add hot water... stir loosely leaving a bit of dry cocoa at the top (to give it crunch). MMMMMMMM. Yummy.