Era

Okay, I'm laughing out loud even WRITING this. But I needed a little humor today and by god I think I got it...

I went to the 'toy store' today, to pick up my product for a monthly review. I didn't have as much time to spend as I wanted (I'm a window shopper), but some things caught my eye... And I had to stop dead in my tracks and say... "wtf? You've GOT to be kidding me."


Like this... The Accomodator

I stopped cold and thought to myself immediately "I could see where this would be handy, but... I'd look like an idiot. Umm, okay, bad visual for me... Really. Just no, no woman is that special for me to strap this to my face."

But really, if I it was the heat of the moment and I wanted to give her a good jolt, I suppose... hmmm.

k, just no.
Nevermind, moving on.



So, I'm out of the dong section and into the anal plugs (always right beside each other). And I'm heading for the check out, when I happen to see this umm bizarre new item they're stocking... I had to look twice AND look at the box. Total double take:

The Derriere de Plume.


What the FUCK?!?!

Do I want to walk around looking like a freaking ostrich?
Do you?
I couldn't keep a straight face, seriously.. I just, no. I can't.

Y'all formulate your own opinion on this one.

I mean, what's the purpose? Tickling your partner? Noooo.. sooo.. It just makes no sense to me. I suppose you could tickle then stick? But still, would be kinda strange to be giggling one minute and ass pummelled the next.

I dunno... Seriously... just dunno. BUT... MOVING ON. I had to keep my mind focused on what I needed and get out of there, because for some reason the sex toy shop was a little outer limits for me today. I just couldn't help but think I had to spend some money...

But not on either of the above products!! JESUS!!!

Sooo...

This is a pre-product review. I never mention a product until after I've tried it, but I feel compelled to talk about this one before proceeding. Why? Because it's phenomenally weird and unexplainable as to it's construction... It's a curiosity perker.

Umm. This product so far... fucks me up. LMAO.

.
The Magnetic Attractor (cue big "duh-duh-duhhhhh").

This handy dong is made out of cyber skin.
Ever heard of cyber skin?
Ever touched cyber skin?

Well me neither until today.

First, a little background for ya... These dongs only come in big sizes, so ladies if you fit anything smaller than a 7.0, you're going to have to wait for the smaller, more compact versions.

Inside this little lovely are carefully placed magnets. Magnets yes (hence magnetic attractor), which are said to be good for blood flow circulation for specific areas. Meaning to somebody that may believe this is true, it would intensify erection in men and sensitivity in women.

Aha. So I purchase, take it home, hide it until my little men are asleep or doing other things... bust open the packaging and carry it to be washed.

WASH YOUR TOYS BEFORE USING THEM OR ANYTHING ELSE!!!
Can't stress that enough!

As I'm washing it I'm noticing how real it feels. Not just like real... But, REAL.

Like, for example: when you're giving a hand job- and the core of the penis is hard, but the skin kinda gives around it? Allowing stroking? K, you can stroke this. Yes, the skin moves but the inside stays firm. And yet, it bends easily... for manipulation. Hmmmm.

Or another example: the way the head of a cock gets extremely bulbous right before ejaculation? Prominent curvature of the ridge around the head? *sigh* It had that too.

So I wash it. Stoke it. Wash it and giggle at its likeness to the real thing. Shake it (because yes, it's compliant), pat it dry. Stare at it mystified.. run my fingers down it's pseudo-vessels. LOL. In comprehensible to the mind how to describe the similarity and well... jesus, its like holding one....

Smitten. K. Anyway.

SO, as I'm really taking in the fact that this is as close as it gets in my bedroom tonight to feeling somebody elses dick that's really not there but is there kinda but not because it's a fake dick... *shew*

*blink on the lightbulb*

DP?!?!?

And then my tongue twitched.

Ummm. So, I hate it when my tongue twitches because I can't just say no to my tongue and I find that I have to just let it do what it wants.

So I did it. I licked the fucker. Closed my eyes and said "I wonder if it feels as realistic on the tongue as it does in the hand?"

I'm a sick bitch people, somebody stop me.


*little smirk*.. Sorry, had to wax on about the dong.

On another note, somebody buy me this shirt... Well shit, the whole outfit. Hell, while you're at it buy me the freakin' girl!!! *wow*


If you do, I'll send you a picture of me licking the dong. I'll even autograph it for ya.

K, back to work!

******** For Madame X********

I took the slut quiz. I think I passed... but, I put in there that I never slept with my teacher!!!! I think that sould have made me a good slut, not a super slut!!!! Oh well, maybe it was the anal sex thing that pushed it over the top. Really people, I "board" nobody, but hey I always find myself asking (in my head) "have I done you yet?"

Congratulations your a SUPER SLUT! You get around! and Around! and Around! When you wake up in the morning, your not likely to be in your own bed! Oh what is that I see are those stretch marks around your mouth! Your Motto: "Have I done you yet?" Your Sign: "Now Boarding!" * Don't forget to pratice SAFE SEX! Better stock up on condoms and lube! And at your rate I am sure you can get volume discounts! Take The Slut Quiz Now!

"Slut Quiz - Female" is available here ***starXtest v2.0***