Too short for snap on tools

The following is an article I originally wrote for one of the variety sites I do some editorial and review work for. I know some will find it useful, and in light of checking and sending out emails *joy*.. I had no time to write any thing neat. Enjoy!

I am on a mission.

A covert operation to find gear that fits me.

I'm not talking about galoshes and goggles here people, I'm talking about strap ons.

That's right, strap ons.

In reference to the June 2005 article "pervy" in which I commended the makers of all that is indeed prosthetic. You may also remember in that article I reveled in the misery of never finding any hardware that fit a chick 5'3" and 105.

The trials and tribulations of being a petite bi-chick never ends for us cute little button nosed part-time lipstick lesbians. It's almost as if the industry had forgotten that many of us women don't reach the 5'7" mark. It makes me want to say:

Short chicks don't like to fuck somebody, or what?

Reluctantly, I was hesitant to close that chapter, but I knew I had to move on to never ever attempting the scourge of my local kink-stores pining for a device that would work for me. In the long run, I was cool with this.

I mean, it makes sense right? Since all small women are submissive? So basically am I assuming it's stereotyping my littleness. Right then, let's just leave the strap-on wielding to the 5'7" long-legged clit piercing dominatrix's shall we?

I will get down from my soap box and continue with the story at hand then.

It seems like every other petite lesbian or bi-sexual chick in the continental United States (and some in other countries) shared my pain in regards to this bungling apparatus. Thank you so very much for your support on this subject and thank goodness for Babelfish.com or I never would have been able to understand what you wrote. Apparently I had struck a nerve in the July 2005 article so much to the point it necessitated a phone call from guess who..

My ass hat editor confides over the phone that he has written me a check and says "it can be done, there's got to be small gear somewhere. We're all about our readers Emma, and it's obvious that you need to make this an article follow-up."

First, he emphasized somewhere.
I hate that shit.
Second, he emphasized obvious.
Why obvious, because I'm the smallest thing on staff... And the most brutally inquisitive too.
I hate that shit just as much.

So here I am with a $100 bill and a solid constitution to shop for an item I know I'll never find.
Thanks so much guys for putting this bug in the editor's ass. You just like to see me all sorts of pissed off and frustrated, don't you? I don't blame you after last months expose' into the uses of dental dams in relation to oral sex. Again, Editor.

I recall the last time I did the hunt for the almighty dong-harness, I ended up slipping on and binding myself to just about every style and maker of harness stap-ons imaginable. It took me the better part of a weekend...

Why the hell am I doing this again? That's right, the readers.

Four hours of pursuing the walls and shelves of the dirtiest, craziest BDSM stores! But for what? It led me to only the basic gear I had tried on previously. Let's recount how fucked up that was from the git-go, shall we? Because not much had changed about the experience in the last 6 months. I hope you understand this.

First item I tried was the inevitable thong harness, which deems to be the 'sexiest' way to wear one;I can see how this could be sexy.
Being that the bodice of the harness is barely there, and the thin elastic straps are supposed to fit across the hip bones and be tight enough to hold any size dong you choose.

But, you can't choose since it comes with a dong and is not interchangeable.

The concept could work, only there's no way to adjust the straps that hold this 'panty' to you; and they only come in small, medium, and large sizes.

Like I mentioned previously, no interchangeable dongs to wear with it, just the one that comes with the gear. Fushia silicone, and small for some ladies. So far all big points lost on this concept before even wearing, but hmm, maybe it's worth it once you get it on?

I tried the small size, it slipped down a bit almost immediately. Now I ask you, if it falls off in the dressing room, is it going to stay on once you're doing the dirty? Probably not then. Alright, it's no go on the fitting but then you do the pull test. Yes the pull test; pull the dong and see if the panty stays firm.

Nope, no panty staying firmage. Looked more like a slingshot being recoiled and ready to fire! I did try on different makes in the same style, but alas.. No win on this for petite bodies. Sorry ladies, small chicks don't do sexy string-bikini strap on's apparently... We need coverage. Please write your congressman about this, I would actually like to own one some day.

Moving on the the number two item then, and another trifling sexy type choice:

The Invisible belt not-really-there-kinda thing. This clear number was just plain scary.

Maybe if I looked like the chick on the cover this would work for me in a positive way. She's gotta be like at least 5'8" long legs, long torso... Right? So I check myself; long legs... No. Long torso... No.

And the comment on the back of the box that states "one size fits all" comfortably?
No. Honestly it was ridiculous and a bit hysterical.

Thanks to the soft clear plastic like see-through material; I felt like I was wearing a blast shield over my pelvis and pussy for god's sake, and a tool belt around my waist (complete with rivets and all). Really there was no way to adjust the panty part, so it sagged. Very good rendition of a bad diaper wearing experience (kinda).

To make matters worse, once the dong slipped in the damn things pulled down, resulting in what looked like an upside down hard on. Evil bad. Also another negative was that not all dongs are interchangeable in this style strap on. Wow, long list of minuses really.

I tried to adjust the belt and hope for the best, but hoping doesn't make shit happen any easier, and well... I hang my head for the disappearing strap-on look and start again I guess.

Pull test? What pull test?... I was afraid I'd break the blast shield! No on that or any other type of belted harness. I'm discovering that we need a smaller pelvic measurement stap on. Almost like a corset.

Feeling a bit reluctant I move over to the hard core S&M section to find this beauty.
Awesome! Top notch good stuff, I enjoy the BDSM section always.

I'm grabbing this one, it's got different size O-rings. The o-rings allow you to shop for just about any size/style dong you want, so that's a bonus to start with. Score one point for the corset harness.

Plus it has garter straps for effect with stockings, and ass straps for stabilizing frontal weight and motion; which I find suits the smaller built women since it gives a little more 'stay' to the harness without slipping. Even better that this is a corset so more stability. This is gonna work, I can feel it way down in my wish bone. Let's go!

I took a small in, and just about cried when I tried it on.
The patent leather was so *neat* but the ass straps were very loose even at their smallest . The damn thing didn't fit, and there's a reason why it boasts that it will fit a 48" waist so clearly on the box. Because it will.

The manufacturer needs to put on a disclaimer that actually says only adjustable to 34" waist. I'm not a 34.... Again. Fuck me. I really liked this one too. As well the corset was loose around the abdomen but really tight against the ribcage when it fit accordingly. The room in the abdomen area was bad for thrusting (too much give). The tightness in the rib cage is almost life threatening in and when I feel I need to breathe a bit.

Getting rather defeated I tried other styles of the same, just like the first two; thinking that perhaps it was that particular make or manufacturer (some fit small, some fit big, right?)

So I begin again... Shopping. Knowing that somewhere out there I can find something for me.

Stay tuned for next months edition for more on *edited*'s shopping dilemma!