I may remove this....

There are times when we blog for pleasure, times when we blog for pain, education maybe... Entertainment. A lot vent and question the world and it's motives...

But there are times when you need to be honest and upfront. Deceit paints an ugly picture on beautiful things at times. I had a great, and well at time emotional conversation with a good friend this afternoon because well... My day had been challenging. I said something to her that I'm going to say to all of you... And then I'm going to practice it as well.
Thus, proving that I am NOT a hypocrite :)

"To have some body truly care, respect, look out for you... You have to be honest about who you are 100% and present every piece of that first and foremost... just present yourself. That way you filter out the trustworthy and loyal.. you know they accept you fully. And well because that way they know how to support you, and help you/give you with what you need the most... Because when you do that, you'll find that those people will be your allies, your friends, your ultimate support group- the people you want with you to endure life challenges with... Because they got your back."

*ahem*
So many of you delve into your childhood, your history... Your families and the way they work.. Your health issues (no matter how frightening on your blogs). Notice I don't? Notice I don't wear my life on my blog sleeve? lol.

I know, I know... I do and I don't. Sure you know I'm a happily married mother of two fantastic boys, I'm a sex maniac, I'm bi-sexual, and sometimes I get sick. I write self-help articles and write short story erotica... Cool. That's Everything Nice, right?

But Emma... What's really going on? Alright I'll play- tonight I feel like taking a slice of Emma out and just presenting it up front and honestly. Those of you in my chain of allies will appreciate this stepping out... My deep thinker crowd will applaud me I'm sure.
Others will scan this post and see nothing... *shrug*

**I do battle with hypersexuality, every day. Some days I'm cool, others... Not so good. It reflects in my blog posts all the time, I've never just came out and admitted it. That doesn't mean you have to be afraid of me.

**I was never supposed to be here... I'm a medical freak of nature. My grandmother took a drug to prevent pre-clampsia in order to carry my mother full term. In term this fucked up my mothers ability to have children. Her and my father tried for years, they gave up hope completely after miscarrying two before me (one that almost killed my mother). They did surgery to correct the issue and were told no children for lack of 'equipment'... But there I was. She amazed all of her doctors... She calls me her miracle.

**Because of this, and the fact that my genetics dictate I should also be screwed... I was born and am afflicted with a rare disorder called Addison's Disease. As well I have two bunk kidneys that didn't appreciate me 'carrying' two children... And a body that wants to reject itself constantly. Three years ago after the birth of my second son... I was given a short life expectancy without a donor. I do dialysis when I need it.
I have a hard time finding a donor because of my blood-type.
The only match I've found so far was offered by Castu... I cry to know that there's somebody out their willing to assist me when ready. Thanks Castu... for now donate blood as much as possible if you can... Even if it doesn't assist me, it assists many just like me. If I do make that call LOL.. you better not have drank a glass of wine the night before surgery LOL... oh man. I did get your email, and I will reply.

Because of the short life expectancy I believe that I should live life with no regrets. So I do, hence my sexuality as it contrasts to my 'normal' life. I want to experience pleasure and hapiness... not blatent disregard of my life and not taking care of it. I do want to live as long as possible of course. But if I want to have sex and go fishing... yeah, I'm doing it.

**Three years ago when I had my son the anesthesiologist fucked up the epidural and tapped my spinal chord instead. I was paralyzed for three weeks... As you can imagine there was some rehab... I never got right after that. But the pain was emotional as well as physical...with a new born baby that I couldn't breast feed, couldn't touch. Took me two months to try and get my milk back... Any body who has ever had to do this knows that it's more painful than childbirth (and flinched when they read 'get my milk back').
Ultimately I cried when my baby cried... Because being paralyzed dictates that well... You can't hold them to comfort them.

**My youngest is three and he is Don Juan. My oldest is a 'tween'. He is intellegent beyond belief. It's been a struggle to keep him motivated at school because he is ahead of the honors class at this point. To add to that; no longer the boy, he now has shifted into a more well, male facade. I can expound on that another time... but basically when I talk to him now.. "It's yeah, and?" Instead of "Okay mom... no problemo".
Amazing how the respect changes as they get older and hit puberty... the meter just kinda plummets to the negative, doesn't it? JOY.

**If you have a young child, hold them tighter... hug them more. When they grow up it's a bitch... I need a fucking support group JUST for this.

**My father is a Vietnam vet with PST. He spent a good portion of my childhood being conveniently unavailable. My mother, who left the beauty-queen/Las Vegas show girl life to settle down with my father, was a good natured person who became a very good enabler to my father and a wall for me. My mother is my special, I love my mother.

It's difficult to see the pictures of her dancing with Gene Kelly and Dean Martin adorn her wall, and know that she gave all that up for my father.

**Her and my father were not close. They didn't ever sleep together-EVER. And I mean literally... He slept on the couch people. He did't respect her, covet her, compliment her, love her... Show affection for her. Ever. He asked her to get him coffee... that's about the extent of it.

**Ditto for his attention towards me.

**I lost my virginity at 15. Had my first bi-sexual experience at seventeen. The first time my heart was ever broken was by a girl.

**I am divorced and remarried, but maintain a healthy friendship with my ex. He reads this blog... So everybody play nice and say HI.

**The absence of my father allowed me to have a very close relationship with my grandparents. It was not uncommon for me to be there for long spurts of time. Some of my warmest most comforting memories of my childhood are with my grandparents. And as I grew I continued to keep them close in my life - always - as a second pair of parents.
My grandfather died just this last August.

** My grandparents had been married 68 years. They married at 16. She was a teacher for a brief stint, only to become a great home maker later. She bore three beautiful children. Two boys, one girl. My grandmother was the den mother, cookie baker, volunteer in your classroom type... My grandfather brought home the bacon, scrimped and saved, hid money in his coat pocket always. Worked his way to the top of the ladder in the telecommunications business... His name was well known. He was a complete success and my grandmother never needed anything. Nothing. She had him.. And in turn he had her for meals and laundry; happy kids. See how that works ladies? Ha.

**They had a great family and a love for one another that you only read in Shakespeare (well, before the expected Shakespearean tragedy anyway)!

So you can only imagine what I'll say next....

No, not yet.

**I have an IQ of 167. I do belong to Mensa. I play stupid most of the time because it protects me... Thats a habit I will never change. For all the people who think I'm utterly clueless... surprise!

**I never went to college, but I was a reference book-worm.. and only on topics that intrigued me. Okay so I shifted mostly to sex.. and the phsycology of it. I studied kharma sutra and tantric sex... BDSM and fetishes. I know more about sex than anything... It's frightening.

**I make a salary higher than many college grads... and that pisses me off because apparently my family still hates me for not going to college. It's mentioned all the time. Although I feel the need to expand my mind and better myself... I am just as successful right now in many other things like raising my boys, dealing with my health, and writing.

**I once wrote an action novel. I never submitted it for publishing... it sits and waits to be printed and sent but I can't do it. I have a fear that it will get rejected. Even though I can write about sexual produce and not be concerned at all.

**I share well. It goes hand in hand in my marriage. I never get jealous, over bearing, or evil- It's when you go behind my back or sneak that I rage. I would have been the perfect girlfriend who always had the friend that you uhhh.. really hoped they would..... yeah, that would have been me. I always shared my toys.... my sex life and relationships are no exception.

**Thanks to my mother and her stunning beauty, my fathers charm and charisma... And the problematic IQ combined with physical ailments and the eclectic sexual disorders....
You got me. I'm a fucked up mess, aren't I? HA.

But that was my inventory.
And if you took the time to read the whole thing then you are definitely somebody I want to be my support group. I value your friendship. I know you read it more than for just the smut if you've hung and understood on every one of the above instead of skimming it.
I commend you.
You have my heart.

My grandparents loved and relied on each other so much. They say that when two people are soul-mates, one cannot exist without the other. How appropriate should it be that now my grandfather has been gone only a short time... That my grandmother should now be going as well?

Very fitting.
That's right T.. Right after we hung up and I felt all shiny happy? My mom called... How very roller-coasterish and shitty is that? Dude, what a fucking come down.

She's not gone yet. But... Well... I mean, how hard will it be to keep the warmth of those happy childhood memories (and there are so few) alive when the last piece of it is no longer there to re-live the full picture?

I think that well.. As an end to this entry I really for once don't know what to say. Typically I might end it with some shitty comment. I don't have one of those tonight....

Tell you what? You finish it for me...