Delayed due to rain
For those of you that came to watch the Saturday Night Showdown, it has been
cancelled for the time being due to personal circumstances on both participants.
We will continue on task next Saturday as we are not anticipating any extraneous circumstances.
Thank You for your Understanding,
The Mngmt
---------------------------------------------------
Those of you that wish to read on, please do but I promise it will not be light hearted or even sexual to say the least. This is one of those times when I expound on my blog because it is therapy for me. I know many of you won't read this and that's just fine, believe me... But this way to expel the last days events is appropriate for me to feel all better.
You ever look somebody in the eye as they are suffering? When they reach out for you to help them but you are completely helpless to their needs? What if they are literally dying when they gasp for you and express panic?
and you can't do a fucking thing... Nothing. Just watch them go.
I did this three times today... Watched my grandmother to the very cusp of her life thread. One arm outstretched, the other clutching her throat... Mouthing the pleas of help while turning blue...
Eyes bereft of life. Will to only die. Suffering by suffocation.
And then the respiratory therapist would rush in (after my hitting the nurse emergency button 5 or 6 times consecutively...), and rescue her from certain death.
yeah, three times... Each time an emotional roller coaster of "should I say good-bye? I can't hold her... I can't say a damn thing but react to her immediate downward spiral as she fades... I want to rescue her. I want her not to die right now.... What do I do?!?!?"
So as she gasped for non-existent breath I freed her of her covers and rubbed her back as she faded each time... Since the therapist said to do so.. In this way I suppose I was to myself being heroic.
As the atomizer would puff away, and the last 'spell' was at it's abrupt end; she'd tell me how beautiful I am through tear stained eyes and admit that I was always her favorite granddaughter and how proud she was of me... And how it meant so much that I had come to be with her.
I went through a good 3 years of the same with my Grandfather who died of Parkinson's... What a nasty terrible awful way to die... Parkinson's. Yeah, he would just about get to the point where family was flying in and he'd perk and get all cocky again... Then he'd talk of the good old days on Catalina Island dancing with my grandmother when they were kids... blah blah blah "Where's my hat, I need it for the train?"
"What train grandpa"
"The one to Portland.. I need my hat before I go... I can't leave it, do you see it?"
"No Grandpa, I don't see your hat.. Can you go without it and get a new one when you arrive there?"
"OH NO, I can't I'm meeting with Andy, very important labor union meeting.. Have you seen my hat?"
Grandpa... You're sitting in assisted care with a feeding tube...
Oh, by the way.. He was on his way to Vegas apparently the evening before he died. Invited all his assisted care buddies to join him... Everyone was game apparently until good ol' Grandpa died in his sleep the next morning.
I think he hit it big and is faking his death.
Grandma began to fail shortly thereafter, as I have noted earlier in this blog...
It's been a difficult month being in and out of the hospital with my grandmother, my mother and I working in shifts to ensure her care (since she's stubborn and doesn't take care of herself). Most times I would take the evening shift so mom could sleep... But we both admit that Xanax could have far assisted our needs more so than the Tylenol PM... Or just lack of sleep thereof.
It had been a week since I had to babysit her, and she was in therapy from the strokes and the congestive heart failure... She was doing well... She was striving... God damn spunky ol' lady already had a biker boyfriend (in rehab for a staph infection)... She was happy, my mom was happy, I was happy....
Okay shit people what can I say? 91 year old broads need love too. Nothing wrong with tattooed bikers with staph infections...
Yeah, that phone call I got as I strolled the aisles of the local store with my kids came all at the wrong time. I did not need to hear my mother say that now grandma had caught double pneumonia... And I should come to the hospital right away... or that it could be any minute... No, because I was at least an hour away from her by that point. So, like a crazy woman I rushed through the aisles haphazardly to grab what I could, suppressing my tears... Hoping that I could get the kids home and leave to be by her bedside in time.
god damn, im glad I could. So glad.
I brought her Irises today. I love Irises... It's my absolute favorite flower and it's just the beginning of the season so I was quite surprised to see them at the gift shop. Lovely deep purple .. And a cobalt blue vase.... She couldn't get over her beautiful flowers.
And as we said good-bye to her this afternoon with a promise to see her tomorrow I almost feel as if she will not make it through tonight. Honestly, if she does it will be a miracle... And it sucked to walk out that door, to leave her alone with nothing but her plastic cup of water and a panic nurse button... But if we had stayed she would not have slept, damn the lady probably wouldn't have ever stopped chatting. She loves to chat, that one...
I did kiss her and tell her I love her. And then she had to go and recall the one special moment we shared together... The poignant one... Warm grandma fuzzies.
I wept... And just reliving it makes me weep now.
This post will disappear in the morning most likely, replaced by something more upbeat and not so deeply personal...
But it served it's purpose:
-- To aid me by letting it 'go'
-- To let somebody know that 'yeah, I'm still the same but thank you for letting me hear your voice today and being there when I needed you.'
-- And to tell a totally different person that has just lost a grandmother how absolutely fucking shitty this is and honey you have every bit of my hugs right now. Every bit.
I'm taking a bath and trying to convince myself that now, I will not catch pneumonia.. Because that would kill MY ass for certain... oh yeah people... crappy endoctrine systems and bunk kidneys LOVE pnuemonia... A LOT.
toodles.
cancelled for the time being due to personal circumstances on both participants.
We will continue on task next Saturday as we are not anticipating any extraneous circumstances.
Thank You for your Understanding,
The Mngmt
---------------------------------------------------
Those of you that wish to read on, please do but I promise it will not be light hearted or even sexual to say the least. This is one of those times when I expound on my blog because it is therapy for me. I know many of you won't read this and that's just fine, believe me... But this way to expel the last days events is appropriate for me to feel all better.
You ever look somebody in the eye as they are suffering? When they reach out for you to help them but you are completely helpless to their needs? What if they are literally dying when they gasp for you and express panic?and you can't do a fucking thing... Nothing. Just watch them go.
I did this three times today... Watched my grandmother to the very cusp of her life thread. One arm outstretched, the other clutching her throat... Mouthing the pleas of help while turning blue...
Eyes bereft of life. Will to only die. Suffering by suffocation.
And then the respiratory therapist would rush in (after my hitting the nurse emergency button 5 or 6 times consecutively...), and rescue her from certain death.
yeah, three times... Each time an emotional roller coaster of "should I say good-bye? I can't hold her... I can't say a damn thing but react to her immediate downward spiral as she fades... I want to rescue her. I want her not to die right now.... What do I do?!?!?"
So as she gasped for non-existent breath I freed her of her covers and rubbed her back as she faded each time... Since the therapist said to do so.. In this way I suppose I was to myself being heroic.
As the atomizer would puff away, and the last 'spell' was at it's abrupt end; she'd tell me how beautiful I am through tear stained eyes and admit that I was always her favorite granddaughter and how proud she was of me... And how it meant so much that I had come to be with her.
I went through a good 3 years of the same with my Grandfather who died of Parkinson's... What a nasty terrible awful way to die... Parkinson's. Yeah, he would just about get to the point where family was flying in and he'd perk and get all cocky again... Then he'd talk of the good old days on Catalina Island dancing with my grandmother when they were kids... blah blah blah "Where's my hat, I need it for the train?"
"What train grandpa"
"The one to Portland.. I need my hat before I go... I can't leave it, do you see it?"
"No Grandpa, I don't see your hat.. Can you go without it and get a new one when you arrive there?"
"OH NO, I can't I'm meeting with Andy, very important labor union meeting.. Have you seen my hat?"
Grandpa... You're sitting in assisted care with a feeding tube...
Oh, by the way.. He was on his way to Vegas apparently the evening before he died. Invited all his assisted care buddies to join him... Everyone was game apparently until good ol' Grandpa died in his sleep the next morning.
I think he hit it big and is faking his death.
Grandma began to fail shortly thereafter, as I have noted earlier in this blog...
It's been a difficult month being in and out of the hospital with my grandmother, my mother and I working in shifts to ensure her care (since she's stubborn and doesn't take care of herself). Most times I would take the evening shift so mom could sleep... But we both admit that Xanax could have far assisted our needs more so than the Tylenol PM... Or just lack of sleep thereof.
It had been a week since I had to babysit her, and she was in therapy from the strokes and the congestive heart failure... She was doing well... She was striving... God damn spunky ol' lady already had a biker boyfriend (in rehab for a staph infection)... She was happy, my mom was happy, I was happy....
Okay shit people what can I say? 91 year old broads need love too. Nothing wrong with tattooed bikers with staph infections...
Yeah, that phone call I got as I strolled the aisles of the local store with my kids came all at the wrong time. I did not need to hear my mother say that now grandma had caught double pneumonia... And I should come to the hospital right away... or that it could be any minute... No, because I was at least an hour away from her by that point. So, like a crazy woman I rushed through the aisles haphazardly to grab what I could, suppressing my tears... Hoping that I could get the kids home and leave to be by her bedside in time.
god damn, im glad I could. So glad.
I brought her Irises today. I love Irises... It's my absolute favorite flower and it's just the beginning of the season so I was quite surprised to see them at the gift shop. Lovely deep purple .. And a cobalt blue vase.... She couldn't get over her beautiful flowers.
And as we said good-bye to her this afternoon with a promise to see her tomorrow I almost feel as if she will not make it through tonight. Honestly, if she does it will be a miracle... And it sucked to walk out that door, to leave her alone with nothing but her plastic cup of water and a panic nurse button... But if we had stayed she would not have slept, damn the lady probably wouldn't have ever stopped chatting. She loves to chat, that one...
I did kiss her and tell her I love her. And then she had to go and recall the one special moment we shared together... The poignant one... Warm grandma fuzzies.
I wept... And just reliving it makes me weep now.
This post will disappear in the morning most likely, replaced by something more upbeat and not so deeply personal...
But it served it's purpose:
-- To aid me by letting it 'go'
-- To let somebody know that 'yeah, I'm still the same but thank you for letting me hear your voice today and being there when I needed you.'
-- And to tell a totally different person that has just lost a grandmother how absolutely fucking shitty this is and honey you have every bit of my hugs right now. Every bit.
I'm taking a bath and trying to convince myself that now, I will not catch pneumonia.. Because that would kill MY ass for certain... oh yeah people... crappy endoctrine systems and bunk kidneys LOVE pnuemonia... A LOT.
toodles.
posted by Everything Nice at 7:49 PM
16 Comments:
Sweetie, I wish there was something I could do, something that would ease your troubles.
I know that it's theraputic for you to write so write away and delete what you must.
Holding you in my arms and rocking you into a dreamless sleep,
G
*huggs*
As you felt helpless with your Grandma, so we feel helpless too. I am so glad you were able to put your feelings in words and I hope it helped. I am also thankfull I was able to share your moments before they dissapear.
I send you warm wishes, a giant teddy bear hug, and a few prayers your way.
Even though my grandmother was in a morphine-induced coma for the last 48 hours of her life, I think she knew that her daughter and three of her grandchildren were with her. Even though I didn't get to hear any final words from her, I'll remember those last couple of hours for hours. We all feel helpless here for you, but offer what we can--an ear, a shoulder, good thoughts and a few prayers!
i'm sure i can't say anything that hasn't already been said to you..
and as is totally obvious, i'm not good with the emotional....
but, i can say that my prayers are with you, and if there is anything i can do..even if it's just a silent ear to talk to...please let me know.
i love ya girl. i really do. and i send you all the cleavage hugs, kisses, and hot chocolate with the cute lil marshmallows i can muster.
Emma, I weep with you ...
Emma, it is such a privilege to hear you share this side of you. I wish the circumstances were better, though. I will keep you, your family and grandmother close to my heart, next to my prayers.
Em, our thoughts are with you. Let out your emotions as much as you like here, it's your place, just let it go.
*Hugs from over the water*
Oh how helpless you must have felt darling. I feel like I should run to your aid... I don't carry Xanax but I have some Atroven and a bong. Call me if you would need either today.
I still attest that there is nothing better to aid your sorrow than a double Strawberry Daquari with the sugar rim!
You know that I can be that guy you run to if you need guy hugs and support. I'm not emotionally retarded in the least bit and I am a good listener, holder, kisser, whatever. I'm very perceptive too. Yes, I noticed there was a comment or two missing... see, SEE?
Alright, I'm just kidding there you know this, but I swear I'm turning this comment into a singles ad.
WBM seeks WBF for BDSM with ASPM/F for some bondage bubbles and bullwhips. Must be HF, STM, and willing to JTFOMCIN. no STD or DU.
There, now it's alternative.
I love you dear, feel better and call me for mexican food.
Your asshole editor, Shawn
PS - I hate to be an editor but we really need to know which Vogue ad to run by the end of tomorrow. I spoke with Louisa but its all in your hands since it's your face in the works. Let me know or else I'll pick for you.
((((Em)))))
Love and hugs for you!
I spent time like that when my Dad was dying from tumors in the brain six years ago. I kept it all in and ended up in the hospital - twice. Let it all out, honey! Share it, spread it, thrash it out. It hurts but it's good for you in the long run.
emma, i don't have the words ...
if i was religious, i would say that i will pray for you and your family. but, all i can say, is that you and yours will be in my thoughts.
take care
Dearest you know I am here for you if you need anything. YOu can IM me, or call, or do nothing if you choose. I just want you know that you are loved by so many and we are all here for you! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
I did this 3 years ago when my nana died. She was my hero, my friend and my mentor (she had her own dance studio). Very long story ... but I'll spare you. Just know that I understand if you ever need anything. You are in my thoughts.
HUGS!!!
I lost both of my grandparents from my dad's side in Sept and Nov of last year. I was home for my grandfather's funeral in Sept and my Grandma was already hospitalized from a stoke and she had nearly every organ failing her. Unfortunately, I was horribly ill and forbidden to go see her due to the risk of passing my chest cold onto her. 2 months to the day that my grandfather died, my grandmother passed as well. It was the night before I was scheduled to make a 2nd trip home to see her since my father informed me that she didn't have much time left. It kills me that I was so sick and unable to spend time with her before she was gone. You are blessed to have those moments - even as difficult as they must have been for you.
You're in my heart and in my thoughts. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease the pain but I completely understand what it feels like to miss the warm grandma fuzzies...
*kisses to you*
Leave the post up. It's ok to let down that exterior sometimes and let others know what's going on.
I've lost both grandfathers....
*kisses and hugs*
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