The big comedown

I'm really hating this weekend. Just an FYI. I don't think I've had this much fucked up shit go wrong all at once in a long time.... But let's just say I'm feeling a little bit of every fucking emotion right now... and none of them are shiny happy.

That being said. I'm teetering on taking a long hiatus.

I dunno. Sometimes you want to run away, and sometimes you just want to stand taller, raise your arm in the air and give a big fuck you to the world.

I haven't decided which to do yet. But I've never been the girl that steps down and receeds when fighting the good fight is put before me. Never. Because of this, and my need to just keep on keeping on... things get skewed and messy. I start to yearn for things that I never needed before... like close friends to tell me it's alright, and a hug... hugs are good. Especially when the people you care most about care about you.

BUT. None of my close friends are close enough to hug. In fact, I feel caught in the wake of many people and reaching out to them is like trying to crawl through your monitor... Just doesn't work well.

You have to understand that sure, I have my peeps here. I can make a phone call and have somebody to talk to, or even to console me.... Not the issue. But, because of the 'world' I live in, these people also tend to mask themselves or be only half the people they really are. Why? I'm not sure... Perhaps because sexuality in whole is unacceptable socially. We can't just walk around in PVC and say we're normal... We can't tell you how wonderful the munch went last night over lunch with the other PTA moms.
And when we're together we do not discuss things like work, children, life goals and disappointments. We don't support each other in that way.

And what really is support anyway? And where the hell is it? Why can't you buy sympathy and comfort at the grocery store? That really sucks my right tit to feel like this because (no offense intended to any friend that reads this) but, my friends have their own issues in which I am being supportive and not the one to be supported. Some even have trouble formulating even HOW to comfort... what to do... what to say...

And you know what, that's alright with me as long as you don't run away when I'm like this. But understand that I'm only 24% there when you call for me and need my crutch. I think even if you didn't have the right things to say, to say anything at all would be enough. But I never expect this from anybody, nor do I feel compelled to think you're not genuine and you don't care because you can't touch me or feel like you can't make things better.

Anyway, it's 6 in the morning and I didn't sleep worth a shit and I'm just down right sad. Tears and all. And I know what would happen if I called anybody right now to try and extend my soul for TLC. Calling anybody would be for naught, because I would have expectations I guess.... I need genuine 'wow that's really fuckedupedness'.


Hmmm, re-reading this post sounds like a shallow cry for help but no, that's not really its intention. I think I just needed to vomit some raw emotion up in here.... *shrug* And it's disappointments and days like this when you say "well what the fuck, it's not like I'm gonna need to fufill any goals or directives longer than 6 months anyway. Just say good-bye and put yourself out of your misery."

But that message in your head is fleeting, and you realize that it's really not you to say or believe those things. How do I raise up from this momentary lapse of being alright?

A drive to my secret beach spot?
A drive to re-visit the plot and preparations I made a few weeks ago?
Ice cream?

No matter how much I try to grasp the fact that I cant get right, the more I sink. And without even one hand to hold, or one back to scratch, or any of the above to aid my depression today... I can only sit in my own mental stew. And say...

Fuck you world.