This 'policy' you speak about can kiss my ass

Honesty is more effective than dishonest scheming.

-- Don Quixote

I've written and deleted this blog post about hmmmm... three times. I'm caught in a strong flux over whether I should be me and have it out on here, or just give cadence to my feelings and toss em like last months Forum.

...
I want the ass hat that derrived the term "Honesty is the best policy" in front of me, now, on his knees begging for mercy before I force my fist up his ass. Seriously, I want to mame the fucker that put those wheels into motion.
Because although I believe in such things... It's brought me nothing but trouble, and people seldom believe or listen any how.. so why bother if it just hurts instead of hinders.

Cue Friday night when yours truly was being thrown into a table, and rebounded to that with a quick right to a jawbone. Of a beautiful redhead I cared nothing more for but the best in everything. She fucked up though. She wanted the truth, so I gave her the truth... she deserved the truth... but yeah, like good ol' Jack Nicholsen said:

"You can't handle the truth." And she really didn't, at all.

Yes, it was a classic cat fight. With breaking furniture, fists flying and hurtful words exchanged in a public spectacle that would put Fight Club to shame, honestly... And my sarcastic ass had to remind her after she chucked the glass and hit a patron that a lawsuit was possible if she continued.. but not in so many kind words.

Was the fight justified or even necessary? Well, fuck yes.. Because I was being honest.
But somebody didn't send the memo to her that it's the best fucking policy.. and I got reamed for the one golden rule I believe in the most.

She didn't listen to me when I told her my true feelings, I didn't elude or deceive her. Yet I feel like the ass because instead of leading her on under false pretenses... I simply told her the truth from day one. I guess that was a picture she didn't want painted, and that's sad... because i've never ever laid my hand on a woman in contempt until then.

And I never will again.

But Reality check was necessary.. and after my sad exit and all the "what the fuck just happened's" I lost a good friend because I was.... ready?
Honest.

*** More over and just as frightening. It seems that sometimes the blackest and whitest sides of your life can indeed bleed over onto the others, and form a grey messy area. And it is never due on your own part, but instead by some cosmic ass-reaming in the form of something you have no control over whatsoever.

Que Saturday night family dinner. Sitting and chatting with both immediate and close family when somebody passes by the 'banquet room' that knows me from one of those places. Her lips start flapping and my face turns pale and before I know it, my father is already eye-locked and taking my freaking inventory.

After a quick shunning to the restroom for myself and my acquaintance, I had no choice but to return to the very silent, very confused table and say....

Nothing.
Why? Because god damnit honesty is the best policy, and I'm a fucked up liar because I simply don't do it enough. I stayed as hush as possible about it, even during the grilling I got by said father out in the parking lot soon after... But you can't really delve on matters of alternative living in the parking lot of the chinese place, nor can you take back the way you approached the scenario inside just a few moments ago.

People ask questions, people want to know something about you, or have faith that you are truthful and can be trusted. Understandable, you'll get nothing less from me.

I think there are so many deceiptful people out there that we tend to trust the fact that 'you' are lying unless it's proven otherwise by some sort of media or word of mouth.

I think it's sad that people hurt people. i think it's sad that people get so lonely they manifest a desirable scenario for themselves and then just 'set' you in there like a puppet on parade. I think also that it's sad there are so few of us out there being honest... that honest is lost in translation and the truth is so generic and boring that they strive and reach to pluck pieces out of every word from your mouth that my benefit their fantasy of what they seek to have from you. Even if you're saying otherwise. And I do say otherwise... you just don't want to hear that.

I'm not that person, or any of these people. I have lied to protect only some people very close to me... But the one thing I don't lie about is myself. Why? Any idea how much effort that involves? It's tiring and tedious. I'd rather just not have an attachment with people than mis-lead them from the beginning... honestly.

Let's say as a side note that sometimes, and in some ways, lying is necessary and we all have our own reasons for not speaking up or hiding some skeletons in our closets. I still accept my good friends that are not so truthful at times, because life dictates that we stumble or need in ways that lying is a nest for birds who quell their feathers. They deal with their own everyday, and I have been mentally molested in my day by many liars... only to finally break the feathered exterior to reassure them that I like their honest person much better.

But still here I sit, feeling like an ass... more so than some liars... because I chose to follow the baseline for everything I hold dear... which is honesty.
And whatever policy it was that ass-stick jabbered about being the 'best' apparently never got tackled by a fuming red head with a mission to gorge your eyeballs out because you called her bluff on shit she didn't want to absorb into her thick hot head in the first place.

God love those catty bitches, I feel sorry for any man that deals with that high maintenance bullshit. I would never act that pathetic... ever. If your girl throws shit at you, then you have my sympathy.. truly.

Therapy? Yes, I had some.

Today I drove. I drove very far. i drove to the beach. I drove to the pass. I drove to places I hadn't been in awhile. I just drove. Driving is good. I like driving.

Tomorrow I will drive again, to work, and pretend this weekend never happened. What the fuck kind of logic is that?!?!? No clue, but it will help me to sleep tonight.

I told you I had a fucked up weekend!!!!