Sluffing the Backbone (Happy HNT)

What a wacky wednesday. So full of events turning left and right... what is a good friend to do? I find myself wanting to whisk away to the far corners of the earth to hold my beloveds who seem to have lost a piece of their lives some where along the line in the last 24 hours.

I, myself am actually at a loss for words really. There's no way to emphasize how truly helpless I feel not being able to comfort... Normally I hug a lot.

Depressing.

On another note, it seems my work load has increased immensely. I took a much needed break from writing reviews, Q and A's, and editorial articles for the elsewhere sites and publications the last few weeks ( i can do that if I want). But now it seems demand is high for Emma's attention and she must confer.

Sometimes you just gotta do what ya gotta do.

I'm taking a few days leave of absense so I can accomplish these things as well as do some Christmas shopping... any body have any idea what they want for Christmas?!!?

Comment or email me, and I may oblige your needs.


I contemplating removing the 'Jesse situation' post. Not because she was upset about me putting it there, but because I had no idea her issue had evolved into a more personal family situation. Had I know this, I would have been more respectful. After talking to her about the comments that you all were leaving she opted not to remove the posts at all, so she could read them later.

So, if you wanna go there... feel free. I think that we both agree in a weird twisted sort-of Hollywood way... The situation is funnier than hell. Either that, or we're just weird fucking chicks.

No, she didn't sleep with her brother. Well, she did.. but no sex was involved. Just marshmellows and informercials. Make sense? Okay. Good.

Alrigghhttty then. On to bigger and better things.

Remember last week when that whole comment situation totally fucked me up? Yeah you do. Alright so after some thought and a decision to never show my face in my pics again I decided that continuing to HNTing wasn't such a bad idea.

I mean really... what's an ass shot gonna hurt, right?

But then, today I had a change of heart (I'm a woman, I can do that) and decided that I need to give a big FUCK YOU to those troll bastards that think I'm so pitifully ugly. So no naked body parts...

Perhaps looking at the below picture will make you nauseous enough to not ever visit my blog again. And take your rude ass comments with you...




dick lickers.... eat me. Seriously.

Spread my thighs and dive in because Im not stepping down. This bitch is way stronger than that. Oh, and while you're down there, could you lick my ass at least once? ... and insert a finger...

and then -well- lift me up off the bed and let me cum on your face.

*sigh*

After I get mine lie down and let me hate fuck you. Why? Because it just sounds like fun... And if you call me those names while I do it, you'd have the ride of your life, I promise you that. Fuckheads.

K, i feel sooo much better now.

I'll be checking into the coffee house (otherwise known as the comments section) every once and awhile in the next couple of days, as well as your blogs to keep up with you all.

Happy HNT to all, and remember to floss.

... and see you Friday. Kisses and Loves from Everything Nice.

Holy Shit!

Reading Emmas post was fucking hilarious. At first I was a little upset that she posted the conversation here, but reading it back I can see why she did!

That's just really fucking hilarious right there. It's what? 7:30 in the morning and I have chinese eyes trying to type this so I will make it as quick as possible so I can go back to bed.

1. I did not sleep with my brother.

2. Well no that's not true, I did. But is was sleeping, not sex.

3. How did he get in my bed? Honestly, I didn't remember but he did. Apparently we were eating Marshmellows and watching those stupid late night infomercials when I passed out. He just slept there because he's lazy. Why naked? I dunno. My brother sleeps naked, go figure. I was clothed, so maybe he figured no big deal.

To make matters worse.

4. I found out yesterday afternoon that I am adopted. This was a huge shock to me. SO I suppose even if I had accidentally fucked my brother, technically it wouldn't be insest. did i spell that right...

5. My mother and father passed away some years ago, leaving my siblings and I to fend for ourselves. Yesterday after freaking out that I was naked in bed with my brother my sister got involved and we had a round table discussion about the secrets in my family. My family it seems has an awful lot of secrets.

I am taking the rest of the day to go back to bed, and then Im going to city hall for my birth records and some research. I'm glad you all got a kick out of my little situation.

No Emma you naughty bitch, I am not upset. You owed me anyway for posting that thing. And you know what Im talking about.

uh, whoa. seriously on pins and needles

****UPDATE: See below****

This afternoon I got a desperate phone call from Jesse to meet her in IM for lunch today. The tone of her voice was strange... almost nervous. Frightened and curious I told her I would, and hung up with her quickly. Best not to start chatting away with Jesse in a professional environment. The more you know her, uhh. The more obvious that statement will become.

Anyway, I knew she had gone out to play last night, and I was anxious to hear about her evening of fun. But by the sound of it when she called, it was obvious that something was terribly terribly wrong.

I'm a good friend. So... I did what any good friend would do when a friend is not right.

Do any of you remember that movie "Life" with Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy? I love that movie btw. Do you remember the character 'cant get right' in that movie? He was the one that played baseball and got the wardens daughter pg? LOL. I still laugh to this day... cant get right... awesome.

Yea, well... Jesse was cant get right at the moment. ..I love using that term.

So the story goes on:
Chucking a couple of tasks so I could take lunch a little more convenient to my curiousity I get online to talk to her.
I could sit here and go on explaining to you what happened, but it seems the ol' cut and paste works well for us gals. And I don't think you as readers should have it any other way but in raw format.

raw. I love using that term too. Alright it's not a term, it's an adjective... but I don't give a fuck. The word says a lot in itself. There, that's my rant for the day too.

I just want to say before you read this... that, well. Put yourself in this position.. and let's hope that Jesse pulls through. lol. (call me jess god damnit.) Enjoy!

**********

E: Alright damn, here I am.

J: oh thank god. Im in a piss load of trouble.

E: obviously. and jesus jesse way to break in to my business here “holy shit, I have no idea who I woke up next to this morning!” Right, good plan.

J: Well dude it was totally frightening, I thought she was dead even! Like, she was just laying there like a lump. Covers pulled over her head, I saw blonde, but that was about it.

E: Did you ever find out who she was?

J: No she's still here, and Red and I are trying to figure it all out now.

E: I thought she was in California? How come she didn’t fucking contact me?

J: She is in CA, hold on a second, we’ll conference

}new room{

J: We all here?

E: Yep, let's make this quick though some of us gotta work for a living.

R: Hi lover

*edit*

E: So wait, getting back to Jess, are you saying that you have no idea who the blonde in your bed is?

J: No, and my sisters gonna freak when she finds out I brought a stranger home!

E: Well, alright. Did you nudge her to see if she was dead or not?

J: Yes, she’s not dead. She’s snoring.

E: Okay, so she’s still asleep then. Where did you go last night?

J: The Underground. It was a swingers party my brother was working so I figured why not go? I remember doing shots with a girl named Erin, after that it’s all a blur.

R: Only Jesse, you shouldn’t have gone to one of those parties anyway.
You’re not a swinger. Hell you’re not even married.

J: Right but I went with my brother

E: See, now that sentence right there is just plain wrong…. ‘went with my brother.’

R: Agreed.
R: That's like letting the dog eat you out and saying 'he was just licking the peanut butter I dropped!'

E: uhh. um. I need to pause on that and throw up.

E: Wait. There was a party at the Underground and you didn’t call me? Alright, it’s okay but I mean, well I’m a little insulted. So, do you think this Erin chick is in your bed?

R: Is she naked Jess?

J: Uhh I don’t remember. Wasn't cuddling or anything. I’ll brb.

E: K, Jesse’s flipped for sure. How totally stupid is it to not remember these things. You know, I try to look out for her while you’re gone but she’s such a free spirit that one.

R: I need to come home, and its obvious.

E: Yes, you do.

J: Oh my god you guys, it’s a guy! Holy shit I can’t believe I brought a guy home!!!

E: Uhh, stunned silence from this side of the room. Jesse, I thought you were a lesbian, men only as a side dish… blah blah blah.

R: You brought a guy home? Your sister will be so proud! So, is he naked?

J: I couldn’t move the sheet enough to see, I peeked and saw dick and that’s about it.

R: Hey Jesse, isn’t your brother blonde?

……

R: OH, good call Emma. Jesse, where’s your brother? Is he in his room?

J: I think Im gonna be sick.
J: I don’t know, but you’re right. From what I can see under the covers the guy looks kinda like my brother now that I think of it.

R: You can recognize your brother by his dick? Impressive.

E: Holy shit. Right now Im glad I don't have siblings.

R: Please just say no to incest Jesse, your brother’s hot and all… but that’s just well… I don’t think I have the words to describe how jealous I would be if you screwed your brother. I totally wanted to do that.

E: Umm alright you two, seriously… something is very wrong with this situation. Jess, go in and wake that fucker up. Find out who it is.

J: No

E: Yes, do it now.

J: I’ll go see if my brother is in his room brb

R: I just want to know if she slept with her brother or not

E: It’s apparent she might have. How can you be that fucked up to not remember climbing in bed with your own brother?!?!

R: I have no idea. Her poor poor liver.

J: OMG. HIS ROOM IS EMPTY.

R: Dude, Im sorry but… I think you fucked your brother.

E: No, say it isn’t so Jess… something’s wrong with you. Go in there and wake up whom ever is in your bed. Do it now.

E: Calmly, collectively.. go in and wake him or her or whoever the hell you brought home with you last night up so we can end the drama and I can get back to work.

J: I’m sick, and I’m crying really. This is wrong.
J: Alright, I’ll go in and see.

*time elapses 5 minutes*

E: Hey, she’s not back yet?

R: Nope. And Im beginning to wonder what the fuck…. Do you think she fucked her brother?

E: Well, if she did… I mean, what do you say to console somebody who just slept with their sibling? I mean, that is errr… that is if you didn’t mean to? Is there a specific way to do it? Condolences?

R: Sympathy maybe? We could send her a card…. Or a free counseling session. How long has it been?

E: About 10 minutes now. Maybe it wasn’t her brother and she’s getting some more? I don’t know hun, but I’m swamped… I gotta go. Let me know what happens.

R: Alright I should go find something to do to keep my mind occupied for now.

E: Why are you upset about Jesses situation?

R: Absolutely not.
R: Im upset that she fucked her brother before I did.

E: Hmm.
E: What if she’s passed out and vomiting or something. How would you react if you found out you just slept with your brother? And to make it worse, you’re a lesbian that slept with your brother?

R: I just don’t know. I would give myself to God or something….

E: Well now see honey.. God wouldn't have you after something like that.

R: Obviously you're not catholic Emma.

E: Noted, tt you later. Let me know if you hear from her.

R: Right, you too.


Jesse, we haven't heard from you yet. Was it your brother... or not?

UPDATE: First I want to say DO NOT call Jesse before at least 10am, it's frightening.

Second, I told her I posted her conundrum on the blog and you all were barfing about it. She said she'd get up and post the final conclusion to this situation.

No, I didn't even get a straight answer outta her.... so, uhh yeah.

Change in the weather

It's supposed to snow here tonight.

The air outside is clean, cool and crisp as I inhale deeply.. only to watch the breath escape from my lips as I exhale in a puff of steam wafting towards the sky.

I had a busy day.
I'm tense a bit... I need a release in a bad way.

But onto my thought... Have you ever had sex in the snow?

I'm not talking about clothed, with unzipped snow suits and appendages hanging out to meet with a hot spot. Clumsily hurrying to just get it over with so you can say you did it...

No.

I'm talking about full on nakedness in the ice cold blanket of frosty fluff. If you're doing it right you don't even notice how god damn cold you are until after it's done, and if even if you do notice... you don't care. Feeling somebody full and hot inside of you... or, being enveloped inside your lover; moist and heated.

Fornication in the slippery silence that is winter, with nobody around but you and your partner loving each other without abandon. Yes, it's unforgettable.

Ever notice how the snow seals the ground creating a soft echo of your moans when you cum? Sound waves reverberating through the thick winter blanket that covers the trees... It's the most beautiful heavenly sound I've ever heard.

Or how the snow pack kinda melts around your bodies as you're fucking?

Creating the best kind of snow angel ever.


It's supposed to dump snow here... tonight.

So all ya'll perverts better stay out of my backyard tomorrow.

Prelude to a subconscious kiss

If you kiss me now there's closure...

No, I think renewal.

If I kiss you then you will want more...

No, I like the tease. Kiss me once only... If you want to kiss me again after that we can discuss whether I'll let you.


We will end up sleeping together.

No, we wont.

And then the charade will be over...

No, it will only have just begun.

It will be the same then?

No, it will be better.

Better how?

If I taste you, and it suits me... Im bound to persist.

Persist huh? But I thought we weren't sleeping together.

No, we won't have.

So things will be the same then?

Alright Yes.... and no. But Im not agreeing with you.

Even though we will have done nothing.

No, there will be something. But you will deny it.


I will?

Yes, you will.

But you will too.

Yes, I will.


So why don't we just kiss then and get this shit over with?

Because you're over thinking.

I'm not.... really Im not. I'll leave that up to you obviously.

Alright then.

Why are you staring?

Because I can. Does it bother you?... Well that and you have a little whip cream on your upper lip.

I did? Jesus, why didn't you tell me?

I just did.

If we kiss now, there's no going back.

Then I've been warned, haven't I?

.......

Ain't it a Fwiggin' Shame...

I'm tired, tired of being in love...
I've had my fill of love...
From below,
and above.

I'm tired. tired of being admired
Tired of love uninspired...

Let's face it I'm tired.

Lilly Von Stupp is my hero. Just want that said first and foremost.


Holy hell people, I can't believe that we blasted my comments section yesterday with 300+. LOL! Well granted a good few of us were drinking, but still. That was worthy of a gold schlong award for sure. If you have a gold schlong, please send it over. No actually wait until tomorrow... no mas.

It's Saturday today, and my body feels a bit like yesterdays comments section.... worn the fuck out. Seriously, I hadn't had that much sex in one day, in a very very long time.

Here, do the math with me:

Stayed in bed from 7:30 - 1:00 all by myself, completely undistracted and intent to focus on my sexual neediness. Did that, ummm.... at least 3 to 4 times between nodding off into a slight sleep and checking blogs.

Jesse arrived around 1:15, helped herself to some thanksgiving left overs- and then had me for dessert... After I showered, we decided not to go out for drinks like we had originally planned but stay in and drink some left over wine. This of course dictated secondsies... not on the food.

Husband arrives home wayyy earlier than either of us had planned, with my youngest son in tow. We hear them come in the door and freak out. Clothes clothes, where's the clothes?!?!

We were dressed in time, but in each others garments... which prompted a raised eyebrow from husband and an akward meeting for Jesse and my son.

"Honey, this is auntie Jess... uh, Auntie Jess... this is my youngest."

My little one, who is a tremendous flirt already (at the age of 3), bats his eyelashes and smiles "Hi Auntie Jess, you want to see my bedroom? "

What an akward fucking moment.

Right, so we stand blush faced and still concerned about the piquant smell of sex coming from the master bedroom. Jess heads off with my kid to his bedroom... so cute, holding hands and all. I rushed for the master bedroom to crack a window and strip the bed sheets.

Husband gives a look of god damnit, don't tell me you had sex all day while I was at work...

whoopsie. poor husband.

Dinner, playing with kids, 'nother glass of wine.... and second shower. Pussy recovery time, awesome. I intended on chatting with you all and then going to bed... I really did. Exhaustion on my part from rubbing (hmmm, where we at --9 orgasms) outta me. Sleep was on the menu for En around 9:30.

But no, no no no.

Husband with raging hard-on decides I just haven't had enough. And to this very minute Im still wondering if it was revenge for my sexcapades earlier in the day... No rest for the weary y'all.

He climbs in bed.
Starts working me over in all my secret that drives me fucking crazy places.

I accept. Well come on, what did you expect? Im not passing up on husband sex, no way.

He slams me with a pinnacle erotic sex session (with tons of great oral skills), and some really really good ass sex and hair pulling. Yes I said ass sex. It was fucking great too... *sigh*

Make that an orgasm count of 14, with two multiples. And hurrendous chunks of fluff astrew from me biting holes in the pillow.

Last night, around 11:00 or so... I laid there on the bed saying "no mas."

Today no sex for me. Yes you heard me. No mas today.
Well.... I can't promise that, but I'm trying.

Happy Triple FFF

Well my little lovelies, Happy Fun Fucking Friday to ya!

Today is a special day for Everything Nice... and I'm celebrating it with a nice steep cup of Bailey's and Cocoa.


Why special EN? Because It's my kinda day, that's why.

-- There's nothing to do - I have the day off from work. Shocker, I know!

-- It's peaceful here - I am alone, house all to myself. Good time to practice my stripping skills! lol.

-- The seating arrangement is perfect - I'm in the bedroom, in bed... all god damn day. Not leaving my bed unless I have to well, you know... grab a towel.

-- My clothes are comfortable - What clothes? I'm not going anywhere, to hell with getting dressed. I plan on being as naked as possible all day... no exceptions.

-- My task list is easy as hell - I have no priorities or engagements, except to play with myself as much as humanly possible. And it's about god damn time... I was getting jealous of myself over here. Not a pretty picture.

How can it get any better than this?

It can't.

Happy Triple FF Friday!

Sharing IS Caring

First of all let me say damn. Just damn.
(and then we'll talk about my new room mate after)

I had never planned on going any where, I do plan on continuing to blog. I hope that some where that was understood... My inbox was over 200 strong; some just comments, and some emails. I had no idea that so many of you were out there touching a piece of my life every day. My warmest heart-felt thanks to each and every one of you... yes, even you.

I feel like an ass, maybe even a little guilt about being reactive in regards to my pictures. Most of my life I was over weight and akward, only recently getting to a point where I turn heads. Some of the emotional wounds that I endured earlier in life still surface... I'm certain that many of you relate to this, or are dealing with it still. Perhaps in retrospect that is why I took those comments to heart strongly... I've been lied to so many times the truth gets blurred.

Anyway, I then need to remember common sense. There was a rhyme and a reason to not posting my face in the first place.

I'm absolutely no celebrity mind you. But my stuff is read, heavily. By that I mean my publications, other alternate site self-help and reviews, and the readers that crossed over from the last place I contributed free erotica to. That's what this blog was originally designed for... to get closer to my readers and provide them a forum to 'touch' me on a daily basis.

I do have fans, I know nothing really about them... they could be in prison *shrug*.
But without them, I wouldn't be me... or successful in what I do.

So, if you're a fan sitting in prison right now, yes please enjoy my stuff... but for gods sake, Im not sure I want you knowing what my face looks like. Look at my pussy instead.

I feel warm and fuzzy thanks to you. I'm keeping every thing the way it is right now (including pictures), but the road ahead will be a little different.

Blondie, we're still going to Vegas... nothing has changed there. ;)

Why is Sharing Caring?

You'll notice things are a little different around Bubblegum Meltdown since Jesse moved in.Aah sweet Jesse...

Sweet sweet Jesse, who seems to have fallen in love with my blog, and then proceeded to email me frantic over helping her with her profile picture and basic html code (not too IT savvy that one).

Jesse will most likely pop in when I need a rest or she feels like it... which ever comes first. Honestly I think it will be a nice change to share my space for a while. Almost borders on comittment in a fucked up sort of way.

Well anyway, she'll be here as long as there's room for her shoes.

I cleaned out half of the closet to make room, I feel confident I did my part now.

The power of the almighty comment

----Written by JesseJanes, green blog writer and future member of Bubblegum Meltdown(hooray).

Today a good friend of mine read some rather distasteful comments which hurt her feelings, to the point of taking down some really great photos that I know we all enjoy. Seeing those photos (and even her comment picture) out there was something really cool to me, because it gave me license to see her every day. Sure, we live close and can pick up a phone to talk. But we both get busy with life, and our visits aren't too often.

I have been in her company more than once, she personafies so many things to me. I admire her, look up to her, envy her. I know it sounds like I'm ass kissing, but it's the total truth and so much more. Her eyes light up when she's excited or amused, her lips tighten when she's upset, and her pout is to die for honestly. Once I even saw her tears well as she got upset. It's a sad look really, and you don't want to witness mascara running. It's just damn depressing.
I could see her in my head making this look tonight as I was reading her latest post. If you haven't seen it, scroll down... it's the one below this one.

Anyway, my point is that we all have these looks. We are unique to these traits and it is different for every one. I for one love the expression of a face, it captures the essence and soul that is the person. We, as humans, classify these expressions with feelings. Yes, feelings. Some of us actually have them.

Being a silent witness all the time (and not finding courage to comment), I notice that my good friend has a tight knit blogger community here. And a wonderful forum for her friends and fans to enjoy not only her pieces of work. But her attitude, her daily strife, and her wonderful vision. When I plug her blog address into my browser and see the comments, I assume there will be chatter. And I have to add that I absolutely love that Emma has her own chat room here! *lol*

For all of her daily readers and friends I have to say thank you so much for your comments to her when she decided not to post any more pictures. I know to some this issue seems so trivial... but I think that when you approach it out of the box (so to speak), you get the overall jist of it.

Which, if you think outside the box like I do, you will see it this way:

A comment on somebody's blog is a very powerful thing. It has the power to enhance somebody's day, or break it into pieces. Blogs are such a personal forum for most, and when somebody presents themselves out there for the world it can get a little well -scary- (for lack of a better term).

You don't have to always be kind.
But if you don't have any thing nice to say? Don't say it at all! Sarcasm does not project well in type. Often what one person may deem as a joke is not at all.

Even more often when some asshole comes around and feels jealous, cocky, or traffic hungry they will leave some dunb ass comment just to do it. Because yes, I guess it feels good to them. Personally it just doesn't make a bit of sense to me.
Comments are for genuine responses. I think that we all agree on that.

Let's remember that there's a time and a place to be an asshole. Apparently for some of you people it's in traffic lately. Or at the god damn grocery store when all I wanted was a fire log.


Since Emma won't post her HNT, and it wouldn't be right with out her. I'm taking the initiative to post a picture she sent me this last weekend (when she couldn't figure out which HNT pic to post).
I am sure that she will most likely yank it off, or get upset at me. I'm willing to take that risk because I don't believe listening to some fucktards (did I spell that right sugarpunk), decided to take a break from mouth-breathing to formulate a shitty comment should mean a puddle of piss to my good friend. She's absolutely fucking cool as hell.



So here. Happy HNT all, and Happy Thanksgiving from Jesse!

Now you see it

Now ya don't.

I did take my profile pic down.

I did decide that all the nasty mean comments about the way I look on others blogs comments sections have pushed me back a couple of notches. ... It's interesting what you find when you blog surf through your friends blog links, and on... and on... and on.

No, this is not directed to anybody close enough to shout to. My circle of friends is very much intact.... but damn. Why didn't somebody just own up and tell me I wasn't as hot as you said I was. Honestly people..... honesty.

To the ass hats that said rude things about me... that just wasn't nice.
But, I guess the fact that ya just came out and told it the way it was is... well... I dunno. But...
Thanks for the insults fuckers, next time balls up and say them to my face instead. I'd respect you more for it really.

In the military when one member of the team does something stupid, the whole platoon suffers.

That being said:
I want all of you who actually enjoyed the way I look (and I thank ya if you did) to turn and thank the fuckwads that have enabled me to decide not to post any more face pics of myself from here on out.

And to ditch the ones I have posted in the past (yes I will be removing them tonight and tomorrow).

And to not post any more HNT's.

Yes, thank them... It's Thanksgiving after all.

Happy Thanksgiving From

First I want to say how unimpressed I am that nobody commented on the position of the landing gear in that last post! LOL.
Come on people, look at it again... and think fruedian for me. LOL.

K, do you see it?

Alright then, did you smile? and say "that figures En"...


Now, I want to say thanks for the airport sex tips, and give you some feedback on that.

Most of them worked just fine, though of course some were better than others. Here is a break down of the areas and experience on a "O" rating, with four being the highest:

Vip Room (OOOO) - I especially enjoyed the VIP Room.
Dimly lit in areas of it, big comfy couches... separated offices (some with doors). And barely anyone in the place. Good, good.. this was my favorite experience by far; comfortable and classy even.
Nothing like a desk and opportunity i tell ya.

Got a drink afterwards too, thanks to the small bar they had in the lounge area. Had to wash the mouth out... you know... well. *ahem*

Empty Kiosk (OOO) - Well, yes. this was alright.... except for the 3 year old talking to Mommy and Daddy about Mickey mouse on the other side while I was trying to get off. And trying quietly even as not to corrupt Jr. on the other side.

But on another note:
Why do people insist on disciplining their way ward kids near or leaning up against empty kiosks? Don't do it people, we're trying to fuck in here.

Bathrooms (OO.5)- I opted for the mens room, because damn I get a kick out of the urinals in there. How cool is that! Honestly, I think somebody should invent something that caters to the vagina just once... and don't say it's a beday. We all know those are for assholes. Well, and they have assholes too.

Bathrooms were busy. Real busy. And something about somebody taking a dump in the next stall over was sooo distracting. Furthermore guys, your bathroom smells a bit... really. jesus.

Those diaper changing tables in the airport restrooms do not support a full grown adult. I weigh maybe a buck-o-seven right now... and my ass busted through that thing like nobody's business. Perhaps it was the pounding I was taking... but pay it no mind... I'm pretty sure it was just my weight.

Also, thanks for catching me.... appreciate that. So did the guy in stall #4.

Transportation (OOOO) - This includes busses, shuttles, trams, otherwise...Oh! and golf carts..
Good gawd. Vote Yes on the transportation, always.

Trams are hot because if you get on the right one, nobody is in the same 'car' with you, but you have the glass windows in which to show everyone on the other trams in front and behind you.

Busses and shuttles are different though; hop on a shuttle with the high back seats... sit way in the back on his lap... oh yeah baby... a ride in a ride.

Remember ladies, no panties... long skirt that hikes and spreads well... *sigh*
Moving on.


Moving walkways (O)- Includes escalators as well.
Not happening.

Can't do that in public apparently... didn't know that. Hmmm. I thought it was legal here.

I tried though Suze... I waived and all!!! The lady in the moo-moo didn't think it was funny, but I think it was because her husband was staring.... and pitching a tent. Gross.


Glory holing (?) - interesting idea. didn't have a suitcase big enough... only had a carry on. Since, well you know.. i don't wear underwear and all.

Golf carts (-) - Tried.
Couldn't pay the attendant enough to parade us through the airport while we 'did it'.
Nope.
dammit, i don't even think they took us seriously... hence the laughing and calling security.

Tried also to hijack one... wasn't pretty, can't screw and drive and expect to NOT hit an innocent bystander. Messy....
and since we already pushed airport security with the moving walkway incident and the suspicious person call, we decided to move on.

Luggage cart (OO) - Well, the inside luggage carts are easier to bend over when there's luggage associated. Kinda hard to pretend leaning on luggage so I assumed that perhaps I should go perch on the outside luggage carts.

K, no trench coat but the big puffy jacket worked...
Anyway, bad scene there... it was icy.. cold... my nipple froze to somebody's luggage handle...
nuff said.

btw... if anybody wants to know how to remove a nipple frozen to a piece of luggage, let me know. First clue.... don't rip it off like a freakin' stuck band aid.

Security - (-) was going to try the frisking thing... but no. They knew who we were (since security made us infamous there... sheesh, just trying to have a little fun!) and shot us the evil eye from across the airport plaza. I said no to that.
Nobody needed jail time during the holiday season.

The Lounge - (OOO) Good. Because damn you're thirsty from fornicating and you really need a drink. Further, sitting on a lap to fuck in a bar:

a) while every one else is just as fucked up and not noticing

OR b) noticing and not minding is hot. Just hot.
Thanks, I needed that.

Really it all ended at the lounge. Because then ya gotta start having shots.... with a guiness backer and it's all done after that. Call a cab...

Hey, everybody... Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I mean that sincerely... you've earned it.

Why not go stuff your face with some meat and fall asleep afterwards? Right? right.

I prolly wont post on Thanksgiving day... I'll be busy and enjoying other things, but thinking of all of ya and wishing for the very best for your friends and family.

K, with that said... I gotta go help Murph with his turkey.
Poor guy has no idea how to cook one (needs a woman, that guy).

But hey! You should see what a great job he's done to the basement!

Spark it

Aww man. I've got it bad.

See below for airport sex.


NOTHIN BUT THE TRUTH

I'm free-writing a bit tonight. I know you've all waited so patiently for the exciting conclusion to the Halloween story, but I just can't bring myself to write it for fear you'll all be disappointed. I dunno, call me silly. Am I wrong?

ALL APOLOGIES

It is apparent to me that some think I'm being a bit bitchy lately.
Well, I'm sorry if that's projecting... I've been terribly ill and have isolated myself as much as I can socially.

It's not something as simple as a cold, and it's not something I can take antibiotics and wait for it to improve. It's a life long condition that I have struggled with... it comes and goes.

Only this time it has come back with a vengeance and I have spent more time analyzing what would happen if these were Emmas last weeks, than what to do going forward from here.

Call it depression, I don't think so though.. I think it's more like a brief interruption. Im dealing with it. I didn't really want to say anything because I despise being pitied... and I hate people being too overbearing of me and my health. But since I:

- have spent less time visiting your blogs
- less time wreaking havoc on my friends and family
- and zero to no time having wild sex with my girlfriends...

then this is why.
Im sorry.
Cope with me.

WILL SOMEBODY JUST DO IT ALREADY?!?

Moving on...
Since I have been sick, Husband has been careful not to approach having sex. God forbid he aid me in my recovery for fear his own personal sexual stability would suffer? No no, he likes me well and frisky. Smart man.

Also since sick, I can't find the energy or motivation for masturbation. I know, I know... shocker. No, it should be. I can't keep my hands off myself when Im 'right.'

But today, I'm feeling better and it's becoming apparent to me because I'm getting real horny. Hence, here comes my frustration...

do i do it and possibly get sick-er?
Or do I wait and feel like a cat in a microwave until Im recovered?

the keyword in the first choice is possibly. Im reeling husband in tonight, let's see if he bites.
if he does bite, that would be cool.
I'll let you know on that one... perhaps he can also pursuede me to just finish up the Halloween story.

LASTLY, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT (how many of you srolled right to this part? perverts, i love ya... but you missed my apology and explanation above).
k.
I need some assistance from ya...

Is it possible to have sex in an airport? I mean, not standing up?

I thought on this for some time...

I figured perhaps the carry on x-ray screening belt at security. Could be fun in front of all the commuters... maybe have the screener take a picture. Fun.
But maybe my partner wouldn't fit.

A good suggestion from a friend was the massaging chairs at the airport. Perpetrating the whole sitting on the lap position. Me wearing a skirt with no panties... long enough to cover the nakedness of your pants wide open as I slide up and down slowly, grinding... burying deep. Nice. Trying hard to disguise the overswhelming look of pleasure on my face to the passers by?!?!

uuuhhhhhh. but anyway....

Then I thought the baggage belt... that would work, be a nice ride.. perhaps get your clothes a little dirty. You couldn't bend or get on all fours, would have to be missionary or something... then eventually you'll shoot out in front of everyone in the claim area. That would be a bit of a shock to them... but it would be cool for me.
OMG I said shoot out.

jesus.

I'm going to go molest my husband... you guys be cool and help me out with this predicament. Remember, not in an air plane, in the airport. No standing positions... would have to be laying, or sitting, or.. bending. err. christ.

-- Thanks in advance, from me and the person picking me up at the airport.

Jesus George!

So this is the news hurrah for the day!!! Pretty fuckin' hilarious!!!



FYI. My 3 year old son makes this same face.


For those of you that have no idea, here's the story.

Hope you laugh as hard as I did.

In need of the bad touch

So I awaken and it's Monday all over again. Whadda weekend... actually, it sucked but that's beside the point. I'm horny as hell today, dunno why... have no legitimate reason for it.
So, I feel for anyone that comes in contact with me today. You will not be taken seriously if you want to talk frank. Nope, sorry bout that.

I'll most likely just be staring at the bulge in your pants....
To kick off this wonderful holiday weekend I'm gonna hit you all with a song that describes exactly how I feel right now. Hope it gets my point across well! Happy Monday!!!

Ha-Ha! Well now, we call this the act of mating... But there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about... I'd appreciate your input:

Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up

You've had enough of two-hand touch
you want it rough you're out of bounds
I want you smothered want you covered
like my Waffle House hashbrowns
Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex
just like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined
To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

Do it now


You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammanls
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it


Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt
only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific
I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean
means "Small Craft Advisory"

So if I capsize on your thighs high tide,
B-5 you sunk my battleship
Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours I'll show you mine
"Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "X-Files"


Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

:) (:

I'm on to something here, bear with me...
So I went to leave a comment on Castu's blog this evening, and typo'd. Right, right. Nothing new.
BUT.

As I'm re-reading my comment I observed the way the smiley :) was instead looking like a, well here I'll show ya:

:" <----- Is it me, or does this look like "smooches?"
*giggle* cool. :" ": Really neat smooches!

And if that looks like smooches,
then what does this look like -----> :$ ?!?!

Perhaps a messy mouth?
Not commenting on how the bar in the dollar sign almost insinuates pubic hair stuck in teeth...

~So now I'm on a roll of course...

/**\ <---- Well then, how about that beauty?
Or maybe even this -------> :%: ?!?
*feeling perverse just for the moment on that last one. I'm sooooo glad this isn't an inkblot test.

- Lying down ^^

- Standing up OO

- Getting old VV

- Hula dancing ~oo~ !!

-- Bending over ^*^
-- or legs spread <*>...
-- getting a closer look<0>? Sideways { ? ...
Flip it over for some fun then and look again (o)!!!

I'm dyin' here... really.

@ <------- hmmmm. Not going there.
Or here either -------> <()> (yikes)!


*!* <--- alright damn, I want one of those!
But is needs to look like this ---> .!.

So I can -------> :*
and perhaps if you're lucky---> :()
So you can make my face ---------> :$

Fucking hilarious beyond belief! Oh jeez. People, save me from myself tonight, wouldja?

#o# <--- In need of a shave, seriously.

*?* <---- uhh. Yikes. wtf?

:O .!. O: <--- You wish.

I'm down, no.. I mean first down! yay!

First off I think an apology may be in order for those of you who have missed my comments gracing your blog pages. And for those that have emailed me but not heard a response... It's not as if I'm ignoring you, I just haven't exactly been well...

Sure I've surfed your pages a bit, even skimmed... but pain killers make the rationality of content and commenting about such extremely interesting and really it makes no sense. Furthermore I've been bitchy due to discomfort and I'm trying not to project it.

I'm a nice girl, really I am.

But I digress. Im working on getting better currently, and I think this weekend is exactly what I need to rest and enjoy the finer things in life so I can get back on track. So whilst kicked back on the couch with my drugs and water bottle... I'll have my pom poms with me. And most likely the Tivo remote for pause and play back.... because:

Are you ready for some football?!?!?

Yes this weekend brings on the game that my husband and I wait for all season.
Our states collegiate teams face off in a bitter rivalry that gets the whole damn state in a grumble. From the nightly newscasters throwing punches at each others colleges, and wearing their prospective colors or team gear during broadcasts... to the buildings in the city adorning either schools colors and banners of support. The whole state goes toe to toe on this, and always has since the beginning of time.

Its not uncommon to pass by some one on the street and have them say "Are you a ______ or a _______ fan?"
Then of course once you answer, this initiates a joke. Such as :

"What's the difference between a (insert college team here) and a dollar?"
"You can get four quarters out of a dollar."
-or-
"Whaddya get when you cross a (insert college team here) with a ground hog?"
"Six more weeks of bad football."

Then adding insult to injury, there's also the sheep and tractor jokes, and the city collegiate snot jokes too. Being that one team is rural and one is city... I love this time of year for local football. I do, really.

My husband is dear and die hard for one team (city), while I am the same for the other(rural)... I love those off season John Deere tractor driving, corn fed country boys. sigh.

But I digress again. As you can probably guess, the house turns into a bitter battle zone for about a week before the game. Jokes, jibes, chides, and antics... we make lucivious bets about which team will win and the norm is for the loser to suffer a terrible embarrassing fate at the hand of the other.

Last year my team won... I loved it.
This year, my team is gonna win again... and I'll love it all over again.

Kick off is 12:15... I should have husband in bra and panties by 5 at least if all goes well. If not, I have a feeling that there's gonna be some pretty downright embarrasing pictures of me in purple and gold saran wrap. K. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.

As well, San Fran and the Hawks play this weekend... another great game since I'm convinced Seattle is gonna take the Western Division title this year. I've got money on it.

On an end note, I think that I should share this t-shirt with ya, because if anything... it will make you smile... and well, I believe that if I don't make at least one sexual innuendo in a post y'all think I've converted to catholisism and become celibate.

I mean, really... just yesterday I posted that fishing was #1 of my favorite things to do and y'all freaked out! LOL. See, that will all change like the tides.. you should know that. I'm a man trapped in a woman's body... it's the price I pay.
*shrug*
This t-shirt also provides an important message for those of you that have been told no by a woman. Really, this is the point we wanted to get across... you guys just didn't understand it.

GO _________'s !

Happy FFF.. and jesus, did it take long enough?!?!

Happy Fun Freakin' Friday all!!!

I'm a little exhausted and effortless from the last week of responsibilities... none of them being fun dammit. However, I do have prescriptions! yay! So as a disclaimer, if I act like a total nut today it's prolly because I'm entirely fucked up and just 'wading' through this wonderful Friday...
Can we talk about quickies real quick though? I wanna.
Dammit Men, if you wake your woman up in the middle of the night and wanna get some, be quick... don't keep us up for like 2 hours getting your rox off, we'll be total bitches the next day and everyone suffers. Further, quick pinching my nipples while Im unconcious... wait until I'm coherent enough to tell you how much I like it. Damn.

Still love ya honey.... right. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
K, anyway... moving on. I was tagged by Dozr on Wednesday *snicker @ tagged*.
So I need to do what a woman does when tagged... uh, which is bend over and take it...

no.
uhhh.... the following:

First: Rules are as follows, remove the blog at No. 1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot;
1. The Ex-Girlfriend Project
2. Beauty in the Breakdown
3. Oh So Wonderful
4. DZER’s Diatribe
5. Bubblegummeltdown

Next: select five new friends at random to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

1. Castu
2. Gigi
3. Sug
4. Blondie
5. Murph

And on with the fun part... I guess:

I. What were you doing ten years ago? November 1995.

Well, I was running one of the most profitable automotive detail businesses in the city.... Yes, that's right, you heard me Auto Detail. Don't be shocked fuckers... I can work a Makita high speed buffer like a champ, STILL.
I had a one year old son that I adored... -What were you doing one year ago? November 2004.

I think I was drunk.

-What were you doing yesterday? Nov. 17th, 2005

Deciding whether to do surgery on myself and take care of my freaking kidneys once and for all... bastards. I worked, surfed HNT's for a moment (while I had a freakin' moment), went home... played with kids.... saw my dad... uhhhh.... OH, and was fucking amazed at Horsn's photoshop skills. Horsn, you have been given a seat in the Champagne Room next to Dozr, congratulations (and a yee haww is in order too).

II. Five snacks you enjoy:

1. Little Debbie Nutty Bars
2. Pomegranites
3. I swear I already did this last week
4. Am I having a De ja vu here, or what?
5. Munster Cheese and Summer Sausage

-Five songs to which you know all the words:

1. "Cold Beverage" - G Love and Special Sauce
2. "The Joker" - Steve Miller (shocker there)
3. “54-46 that's my number"- Sublime
4. “112" - Notorious BIG
5. “Soft Serve" - Soul Coughing

-Five things you would do if you were a millionaire :

1. Kids education... done deal.
2. Buy my bass boat and go fishing wherever the hell I want.
3. Buy a cabin, next to a lake... where it never gets cold and the fishing is good.
4. Secure at least half of it in safe investments.
5. Fly all of you lovely people to my cabin so we can get drunk and fish... after that, it's anyone's guess. Oh, and schedule at least a week off... k.

-Five bad habits:

1. Smoking. Yep, you heard me. So what, it's not like I'm a two pack a day hacker for christs sake. I have to quit anyway... so wtf. I don't wanna hear it.

2. Talking with my mouth full. Why do I do this? I dunno... I guess I just get these really awesome brain storms when I'm eating and I have to just say it before I forget.

3. Wet towels on the bed. Alright so, at least I'm leaving them on my side... really need to work on getting them that other 2 feet to the towel hanger... just takes too much freaking energy in the morning.

4. hmmmm. do I have any more bad habits? damn this short term memory problem.

5. Men. I love men. and it's turning habitual. badly.

-Five things you like doing:

1. Fishing tops the list, even more than sex at the moment because it's winter and damn... I just want to get a fish on. Don't act all shocked, jesus... Im not all sex (though you'd like to think so).

2. Listening to Music. Anywhere, anytime, anyway.... it's not uncommon to catch me with my ipod in tow. Music for me dictates life, or rather life dictates music. There will always be a song I can relate to a person, place, or time in my life. It helps with my attitude and my ability to cope sometimes. Hope that wasn't too deep for ya.

3. Playing my bass guitar in my boyshorts. very cool.. and awful breezy lately.

4. Watching and learning from the men in my house. I've discovered so many insights into the way you weirdo's work... it's humorous and uncanny really. Thank god you're born this way... I would hate to have had some tremendous 'awakening' when you hit puberty. That would just be frightening.
Soon enough, Im gonna write a book about it. Though, Im sure there will only be one chapter.

5. Sex. DUH.

-Five things you would never wear again:

1. 3 inch spiked heels... wtf... my limit is 2 inches now after taking a face plant into a freakin stage light (don't ask).

2. Leather panties... I know I know, you're disappointed. Really, they are just soooo fucking uncomfortable! There's no need to suffocate my pussy thanks, if I wanted that I'd just shove something in there.

3. Leg warmers. because no matter who or what wears them, they will NEVER be cool again.

4. Black lipstick. yikes. Dyed my lips bluish for about a week... scared the hell out of my parents.

5. Bright Yellow anything. It just gives me a headache and should only be used for Construction Equipment and hazardous thoroughfares.

-Five favorite toys:

1. iegg - *snicker*

2. My husband- he's fun in all kinds of ways.

3. Photoshop - Me too, for the same reasons everyone else does.

4. My kids train set, because it really does kick ass. The thing is a monstrosity and just keeps getting bigger the more pieces we add. Currently, it takes up the whole damn living room. Which is a feat in itself because our living room is huge!

5. Power tools - Im with ya on this one Dzr buddy... I love playing with power tools.
Everytime the hub (or I) get one... we find a reason to use it!!!
This months endeavor is ripping out and remodelling our bathroom. Should be interesting to find what husband dictates is necessary to get that job done! Jesus, he goes to buy some drywall and comes back with a freakin' myriad of power tools... "What is this for dear? You don't need this for drywalling."
"I know it."
"Okay then, can I play with it?"

No more Quid Pro Qou

* I'm all outta Quid
.
.
.
Can I just say Damn.

And then I can say Happy HNT!!!
Bitches, I still vote for Pedro... He's a sexy fucker.

But what I really want to say is...

The justice system sucks ass. Yes, you heard me. Sucks ass. Remember those juvenile ass hats that broke in and trashed our place last month? Well today was the sentencing for the 'ring leader' of the three fucking stooges.

Right, yeah the peckerhead one. the fucker that bled all over my house.

So we go in.
We talk to our friendly neighborhood prosecutor.
(buttah, you're gonna love this)
He informs us about deferred sentencing...k

... then he proceeds to inform us that Fuckstik Jr. is going for his one and only get out of jail free deferred sentencing card.

wtf?

So we argue that he's a repeat offender and a punk.

Friendly neighborhood prosecutor agrees unintentionally, corrects himself.. and then emphasizes victim testimony in front of yer honor.

*K, im good at playing the victim*

We go in the court room and sit.
Fuckstik's mother and his little chica girlfriend come in the courtroom.
The trial begins.... the cases are pled.

....

We give our statements, I choke up.. because my kidneys are blazing fucking mad-like.
Yer honor liked it. good good. Tears never hurt, regardless of where they stem from.

I sit back down.

Fuckstick has an ugly girlfriend and his mother is absolutely oblivious to the terrible realization of what her son has done. She tells the judge he needs to work so he can stay out of trouble.

Defense Attorney is slime...asshole.
DA says, no your honor I think that after consulting with *ASSFUCK* for the last few weeks he has learned his lesson and is a likely candidate for success if released. I think *BASTARDANUS* can be productive if allowed to stay in school, and be given the opportunity to give back to society.

give. back. Fuknut stole my shit. If'n he's giving anything back, it better be my stolen property.

Then your honor asked KNUCKLEFUCKBASTARDRAPEMONKEY if he wanted to say anything.

He did. he said "uh, yeah i think if I stop hanging around with those bad friends I will be okay."

k. hmmm.
Judge voted for deferred. I was hot fucking pissed... but still good.

Friendly neighborhood prosecutor said 150 hours of community service and 24 months probation.
Defense attorney argued 150 hours was unheard of. 24 months probation was too stiff.

Judge gave 48 hours community service, 12 months probation, 9pm curfew regulated by mom (WTF)????? Uhh.. where was mom when he was climbing in my fucking window?!?!

A letter of apology to us and our children... again wtf. We want to hear from you? Okay, let me think about that....

NO.

and around $200 in restitution paid to us. Whoo hoo boy... that's a blow job and a six pack in my neighborhood.

THIS ASSMONKEY IS A REPEAT OFFENDER PEOPLE? HELLO?

k. then when yer honor was listening to the steaming heap of bullshit regurgitating from the defense attorney, she decided it would be best for there to be a restraining order on the other two boys that assisted in the break in.

k, mother is in fear of her life and her sons at the hands of these terribly intimidating horrific 15 year olds.... could happen.

Until it's presented that one of the other perps was the BITEMYCROTCHJERKOFFS brother.
That's right.. blame it on your friends... dude, it's your fucking brother, how ya gonna get outta that one? Yer honor pays it no mind and offers up supervised contact.
Like I said, where was mom when he stole my bag of weed?

BASICALLY. We were fucked, with no lube... not even the cheap kind.

Fuckstick is at home now, away from his blue juvy jumpsuit. Eating a nice homecooked enchilada meal, getting some pussy from his chica, givin' his homey co-conspirator brother 'bones'and pourin' one out for his otha homey. fucker.

And I'm here trying to convince my 10 year old that nobody is gonna climb in that window ever again.. still. I tried to tell him that if they do, Daddy was gonna blow his freakin head off with his 9. Right there, in his room. Didn't help. Dunno why. He just kinda looked at me... *blank stare*


K FOOTBALL!!!!

Terrel Owens.. you sorry man. wtf you doing? A week later and there's absolutely no love... and there shouldn't be.

For any of you not familiar with Terrel Owens latest antics, he would be the asshat that single handedly made himself look like a total dick head by not only insulting his own team, but insulting the players, staff, management... and ultimately... the fans of Phili (make sure to check out the fan funeral part of this link).
Someone shoulda shot a philly steak sammich in that mutha's mouth before he kept on embarrassing himself. Stupid fuck.

I've been wanting to say that all week... really. *deep sigh*

Thank god there's some sorta justice in this world. The Eagles kept him on contract, left him on the roster, and benched him. Lovely... just excellent. See people, now that's the way it should be done!

DISCLAIMER: Sorry there's no pussy eating, cock sucking or ass fingering in this post. I'll work on that.

PE 102 (you asked for it)

So I feel like shit, my left kidney is screaming profanities at me.

Nice, thanks for that... after all the love I give you.
Sheesh, internal organs... can't live with em', can't live without them (well at least that's what they keep telling me).

To band-aid the shocking pin-heads driving into my lower back, I thought I would entertain you.

Well, I was shocked, amazed, and downright entertained at my comments section yesterday... thanks for that. I was hoping that somebody would take something away from that post. Sounds like some of you will definetly take something away from it... either by the content of the post itself, or the comments!!! When reading it back, I got passion cramps reviewing Jess's instruction... masturbation is a no go when your blood pressures at an even 85/70. I need to know if I'm dead already, so perhaps a visit to the Dr.s in order.

Alright so apparently it was either topic or authorettes that made yesterdays post such a great one.
I thought it was the content personally, but they seemed to think it was them.

Greedy bitches, get your own blogs.

No really, you asked for it... here we go again. Good luck.
(uh, and girls.. I think after this... I'm cutting you off)

J: your blog went over well today, did somebody mention multiples? what was that comment about from that one guy who said that one thing.

E: uhhh. is that like... 'the spot.'

J: I want to educate your readers again. Can I?

E: Oh shit, here we go. Let me get a popsicle.. damn.

J: and I have to admit I had never ever heard of a pussy sparks until today. I hit the gas station for a pack of wintergreens.

E: lol. right. figured you would. Pussy Sparks rock!

J: So, I'm reading the comments section and other's coments, you need to enlighten me on some of these people.

*edited*

E: so maybe that all makes sense

R: im here

J: we were talking about multiples, you in?

R: hell yes I'm in

J: man multiples, you still in?

R: oh jesus.

E: HEY hey, I never mentioned man multiples.

J: really you have to touch the prostate?

E: *sigh* we're really having this conversation aren't we? Well, you have to be actively giving him a blow job first, you can't just run around shoving your finger in his ass right off... then he'll just get all pissy. And use lube, no spit.

R: yes stroke it. don't pummel.

R: trim your nails first.

E: it'd totally ruin your manicure

J: right, not doing it. I value my nails. I like to spit.

R: the hand thing though em, what if you have to grip it?

E: have to grip it? we're not still talking about prostate are we... cause that's just scary.

R: right. have to.

E: you mean dick girth and length come into play?
E: well then I guess you grip it.

R: right. and i wanna say something about fingers. we didn't talk about fingers last night

E: ?

R: well, for good experience I say a finger is necessary, dont you?

J: mmmm. fingers.

E: *jess going to kfc for chicken strips* can't you just see it now? k, let's talk about fingers.

R: why do all you men feel compelled to shove your whole fist in there. christ.

E: right.

R: aren't we supposed to be tight? isn't cramming the three-finger tent a little counter-productive?

J: i'd say.

E: wait wait LOL. the three finger tent? LMFAO.. have another glass of wine.

R: honestly em, put three fingers together... tent.

J: if you have long skinny fingers then i think three is fine.
J: if you have short stubby fingers then... find something you can use instead of your fingers.

E: whoa jess, whoa. I have short stubby fingers.

R: hence lovely for prostate rubbing I'm sure

E: heh. uhhh. no comment?

J: and your fingernails are short too!

R: LOL she's right!

E: *looking at fingers* K, and I have never ever heard either of you complain for shit. so wtf.

J: I think that fingering is essential to cunnilingus honestly, should be included.
J: then let me lick your fingers.

E: see Red? KFC. chicken strips. I told ya.

R: what about the finger in ass maneuver?

E: i thought we weren't talking about man multiples.

R: no no.. for us!

E: i thought you liked my finger in your ass.

R: alright, back up.

E: no you back up... on my finger.

R: do you like it when you get a finger in your ass?

E: that goes without saying... and you know the answer to that.

J: i go to the bathroom, come back, and you're ass fingering?

R: she likes to be picked up like a 6 pack, i think i love her.

J: you know you do

E: Hefeweizen baby. I think that being eaten out, one finger in the pussy, one in the ass. Hell yes, it works for me.

R: what about ass licking? should a guy do that?

J: yes, a guy should lick ass.

E: depends on my mood, I'd say 60/40 ass licking. depends on the guy, depends on the tongue. depends on the well.. diet.

R: LOL jesus, don't you just hate it when you're just about to fart when a guy is going down on you?

E: TMI ALERT. babe, I will be pasting this into my blog page.
E: *reminding self to check Red's diet during next date*

J: is that what that was? Holy shit Red, you lied.

R: did not, im all about the honesty. it really was the cat, no lie.

J: im putting a plug in your ass next time.

E: no no Jess, don't do that... or, if you do at least point her away from the window so she doesn't break the glass when the pressure builds and she shoots that fucker out.

J: LMFAO

R: fuckers. all i wanted to emphasize was that fingering is good, and should be slow and steady... not like cock. cock is different.. don't fuck with your fingers, well maybe. First and foremost just hook and stroke my G.

R: yep. I feel better.

E: Jesus Red, that sounds like something a guy once told me. When the prescription for those pre-op hormones gets here, you just let me know.

R: right, my cock will be huge, no doubt.

E: so now you're gonna go stroke your G, aren't you?

R: YES

J: hook? what does that mean?

E: jesus Jess, do you have sex... im not sure. hook your finger up once inside, and stroke.

R: short nails

J: i get it! Red you know how to do that?

R: duh

J: can I come over then?

So with that done, and more knowledge acquired from my excellent correspondants..
Short nails, g-hook, finger in ass.... maybe (depends on the lady). And manly multiples are not myth... here's how you know:
If you're cuming... and then you release, but you still feel the same as you did right before you came the first time (and your penis still contracts), continuously.. over and over a couple of times.... that's a mangasm. And no, secondary ejaculation is not gonna happen, no matter how hard you try.

Ladies: you'll know when you're doing it right when he screams like a girl. so there.

On another note, it's been theorized and proven that masturbation is good for your prostate... so grab yer box of tissue, and make that fucker golden!

That's right, us ladies don't have a prostate and thus... no excuse to masturbate frequently. We just like to stick stuff up there. K, i feel better.

I think I'll go sleep. Yes sleep, because kidneys don't feel better when massaged from the inside contrary to popular belief.

PE 101

Yesterday Sass posted a little piece on having a conversation with some qualified experts on blow jobs. I dug her post, truly. It’s refreshing to have a man tell you how a man likes it.
Then I dug into her comments section and was surprised at how many men think it’s simple for us women to give blow jobs.

“It’s just a penis… it will respond no matter what” kind of stuff….


Uhhh, NO. That’s not true.

a) There is such a thing as too much hand, and you KNOW it. Ladies like to fondle and think the tight grip is the way… not sooooo. Don't cut off dudes circulation for crying out loud, that's blood that his brain is gonna have to use later!

b) Too many horror stories from fellow friends about women that threw up on their package because they failed to ignore the gag-reflex. Right, didn’t think THAT turned you guys on all that much.

c) Teeth. Sometimes they get in the way unintentionally. So, having a penis then, you’re telling me I can STILL bring you to orgasm even though I’ve sheared your sensitive tip with my large incisor - over and over again? Huh? HUH?

Didn’t think so. I refuse to believe that insert into warm mouth—penis happy. No.

So, now that I’ve ranted.. the morale of the story is: Just because it’s a penis, doesn’t mean we know how to do it correctly. Practice makes perfect always… here, practice.

*clearing throat* (lol)

After it was suggested that I do a pussy eating post (great choice Sass), I employed the help of my dear bi-gals to assist in co-authoring since I just can’t bring myself to do this in instructional form. Documentary with pictures, MAYBE.

Anyway, cut and paste baby.. so easy on the fingers!

E: Alright ladies, we’re doing tips on how to eat pussy for men.

J: Sounds interesting, k

R: Men don’t know how to eat pussy?

E: Apparently not. What, you think I just wanted to talk about it?

R: Yes… why not. I like to talk about it.

J: Hi I’m Jess, and I’m a scorpio that likes Tennis and Twister, together if possible.

E: LOL Jess no.

R: Pussy eating, okay then… well, kiss us first if possible. On the lips. If you dive right in it’s just not gonna happen.

J: I think that in order for a guy to eat pussy well it has to be prepared the right way.

E: Red! LMAO I think they know to kiss women first!
E: Jess we’re not doing the hygiene section right now, and prepared just makes it sound like it needs a side of veggies and rice.

R: Well some of them don’t.

J: who’s been eating your pussy then? Jesus.

E: LMAO
E: No wait… no seriously… who red?

R: just nevermind.
R: somebody needs to tell them that gentle is good. No goddamn probing, I hate that shit. And don’t fuck me with your tongue either, that just makes no sense. Stick a finger in there if anything.

J: yes gentle is good, the softer the better.

E: And slow is nice, don’t try and rush things by shifting maneuvers for crying out loud. We kinda need to get into it.

R: I like it when a girl eats me better because then I know she’s going to maintain one spot and stuff for a long period of time.

J: spot and stuff. Nice.

E: <--- translating. I like it when she focuses on my clit for awhile instead of moving down to my hole right away.

R: Right. Flick clit with tongue. Do they know what a clit is?

E: not all, but some.

J: It’s that pink fold that swells when you’re doing it right. The part that sticks out.

E: Who’s been eating YOUR pussy then?

R: Do they know what a labia is?

E: Jesus, I hope so. Yes, focus on the clit first. If you can’t find that, you’re lost.

J: dive your tongue in a little first, and then out, like a tease… softly.

R: right, just a little… get the engine started

J: and then run it up and down the slit

E: running… nice one Jess.

J: and then take your fingers and spread my lips open just a little…

E: uhhhhh

R: *perk*

J: flick my clit a little with your tongue, not hard…
J: and then run your tongue up and down the inside of my labia, just along the side of my clit….

E: Really, this is… well… really tough to listen to.

J: and then suck on it, softly... don’t attack the fucker like a god damn Tyson.

R: LOL I hate it when they suck that hard, just no need for that.

E: And mouth it a little, with lips even.. hot.

R: yes Emma, hot. Especially with tongue first…

J: anybody ever slap yours? What’s that about?

E: LMFAO. K guys, don’t slap it unless she asks you to.

J: honestly, just unexpected like. I said hey, why did you slap me?
J: he said what, don’t you like that?

E: JESS. Stop honey really… I can’t take it anymore

R: That ranks right up there with spitting on it… just gross.

J: I said no you bastard idiot, if I wanted you to slap something Id turn around and bare my ass!

R: are we still eating pussy or spanking Jess.

J: LOL

E: I don’t know, I’m teetering at this point.
E: So soft, work the tongue first, then spread, then lick.. then suck a little?

J: It’s like a fucking Fun Dip candy! Remember that?

E: and no roughness, it doesn’t matter what you do.. just be gentle.. not hard with it.

R: Right. Fun Dip. I liked the Vanilla dip stix.

E: OKAY. DAMN stop you too… really. I’m dying here. I thought you were supposed to be helpful…

R: are you horny now Emma?

J: i liked the cherry flavor, the lime was too tart.

E: yes *sigh*

R: then we were!

J: we were what?

R: and guys whatever you do, if you’re gonna nibble don’t bite! No no no no biting.

E: yeah same rules apply to teeth.

J: if we gyrate and fuck your face it’s not our problem either… just hang on and let us get ours.

R: she’s right, you’ll know if we come, especially if you’ve got your finger inside us by then… you should feel the contractions happening. INSIDE the pussy.

J: right, but if we quiver and arch isn’t that the same?

R: well yes but we have to be moaning too.

J: no moaning no orgasm… interesting, you have a point.

R: I love you Jess

J: love you two

E: I step away for a minute and you guys are ready to get a room… that figures

J: I said you TWO! can i come over then?

Okay, well... Dammit I tried.
Sorry I couldn't get all medical terms and details on ya. Hopefully in the interim you can start with these helpful suggestions.

No spitting. and no slapping either.

I say fuck it.

need I say more?

Baited and Broken (The Halloween Party) IIII

In happy fashion, I now bring you Chapter 4 of the Halloween party. Also in happy fashion I bring you the links to the first three chapters. Glad re-living this one is almost over LOL.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three

Chapter Four...

Arriving at the bed they share, we catch them deep in the action- literally.

Red’s husband taps Red politely on the shoulder, her head raises to us in a look of discontent. He attempts to raise his voice a little over the audible atmosphere of pleasure “Hey honey, sorry to bother you…” He sounded so polite, it was rather amusing.

Red’s face turned to one of sarcasm as she propped her chin in her hand, untwining her leg from my husband’s torso. “Well what the fuck honey? It’s not like I’m doing anything here.” Her face bore a faint smile, her chin wet with somebody’s juices.

“Did you say you knew where John’s Room is?”
Her husband leans in as he speaks this, noticing that the next couple is only a mere 5 feet away… Not that they would be paying attention to our conversation mind you, they looked like they were doing just fine on their own.

My husband and Jess kept keeping on; not even noticing Red’s attention was elsewhere.

“Yeah yea” her eyes lit up and glimmered “Why, you wanna go there?”
“Well yes dear” her husband returned her sarcasm “Would I bother you otherwise?”
“You don’t know where it is?”
“Honestly, let me repeat what I said the first time…”
Red jumped from her position and grabbed her clothes. Jess and my darling husband didn’t waiver… they just kept on keeping on.

I was rubbing my sore ass…
Yes sore, but even so I couldn’t help but enjoy the way my silk dress felt cool and soft over the hot remnants left by that Mistress bitch. I closed my eyes and focused all of my attention on the transition from pain to pleasure as my fingertips slid across my welts through my dress… my nipples hardened, and again the tingles rushed through me.

We hurried through the crowd, past the wonderful lady still sitting undisturbed in her high-back velveteen chair… Her voice came through quite timid up close, not booming and firm as it projected through the room. As we swept by her and past the bound and blindfolded love swing girl, I pondered the scenario of what could be ahead of me. Then my brain recoiled back to my husband and Jess…

and had they joined us? I don’t see them behind me, and I can’t make out where we came from… Jesus, did I just stub my toe on someones ass?...

“Wait wait” I begged to stop for a moment to remove my high heels, and to pause for a look back from where we came from. Alas, I lost my husband… it’s anyones game now.

We entered a small room with 4 extending hallways… Red starts to jabber to herself under her breath “third from the left…” She then begins that direction, with myself and her husband in tow. We stop when the hallway now intersects with another, and another I can see just ahead.
“Second hallway to the right” And she’s off again.
The second hallway then curved to the left, complimenting the fact that it was long as fuck… small glass cube windows dissected the wall down the middle, I reached up to see what they felt like.
Don’t ask me why, I just wanted to.
The glass felt cool to the touch, and glossy… I lay my hand flat on it while Red decides which door out of the 5 we should try for. “I think he said it was this one…”

I’m thinking to myself I bet this cold glass would feel sooo good on my ass. I know, sexy aint it? Red’s husband stands not amused at his wife’s short term memory. He looks good standing there though, the light from the outside that trickles in through the glass cubes softens him… his shirt hangs loosely, unbuttoned and exposing a soft, lean abdominal. I could fuck him right here in the hallway… forget the room.

Red shoots a girlish smile as she announces “It’s for sure this one... it’s got the code lock.”
“Good good” her husband joins her side, looking unto the keypad above the handle, “now honey do you remember the code?”
“What’s in this room anyway?” I move over to join them and interrogate… hoping I can be more prepared for what’s inside. “Is it his bedroom? Why does he lock it?

Red snickered back to her husband “Of course I know the code…” and then to me as her eyebrows raise “Bedroom? No.” She punches the keys and door lock snaps, she turns the handle and teases me “You’d lock this shit up too…”

She enters the room and spins around, flipping on the light switch… “This is where John and his wife go to relax.” Her husband and I follow her into the dimply lit room; creeping quietly for some weird reason. I was still unsure if we were supposed to be in this room, and what John would do if he found us. This room sprawled vertically from what I could tell… and in it sat just about any and every sadistic and masochistic device known to mankind. I felt creepy at first, imagining the things that went on in there. From cuffs and bars, to harnesses and swings… they had it all. “Funny” I laughed nervously “his wife didn’t look like she’d be into this kind of stuff.”

“Oh, you thought that was his wife?” Red laughed “No, that’s his girlfriend…” and then she rolled her eyes “one of them at least.”

“Is his wife here?” I asked, tinkering with the body harness.

“No, she’s in Taiwan visiting her family. He always throws the best parties when she’s gone.”

Red’s husband had made his way to the assortment of blinds, gags, and devices that sat perched on the wall, he removed two leather blindfolds and two pairs of cuffs. “So nice both of you decided to join..” he began “now I can have twice the pleasure.”

Red squirmed “Right on baby, let’s do it!”

We began to shed our clothing, at least Red and I… her husband stayed clothed as he looked on, tracing our bodies with his eyes. Once we had finished undressing, he rose from his seated position on the padded table and began to approach us. I could see how aroused he was as the dim light danced on the highlights of his cords… I love cords.

“Up against the wall now… girls.”

I was happy to be blindfolded and cuffed by this time… especially if it meant some kinda climax would be in the near future. I broke my grip from the harness and joined red against the wall. As we leaned back and raised our hands over our heads, I looked to Red… and I swear to fucking god it was almost like looking in a mirror.

Red and I have been mistaken for sisters constantly. We talk the same, look almost identical (except her hair is definitely more of a red, as mine has Auburn undertones). We match in height and cute little girl face. Our bodies are similar in stature and build, curvy a bit, supple… average breasts… pronounced collarbone. Her skin is alabaster as mine is more tanned. With the exception of her freckles, we could be the same person. As I look to her pleased, I realize that she and I are absolutely perfect equals in almost every way.

Red’s husband cuffs us to the wall gently, securing them so as they were not too tight. The wall we perched upon was black brushed suede, strange sensation on skin… even wounded, sad skin. I admired the way it felt, and brushed a little against it, again soothing my ass and basking in the tingles… yes, the ecstasy was still kicking my ass.

Not using the blindfolds, he began to work slowly… drawing a tongue across my abdomen and down to just above my pussy. He then turned to his wife and did the same. My eyes closed once again, and longed for him to return… Soon enough he was back to me, kissing my neck and shoulders… fondling a breast and commenting on the hardness of my nipples. Then he began to work down, his hot mouth traveling at a snails pace south… and then…

“Did you lose something?” A familiar voice resounds from the doorway. It’s the mistress with my husband and Jess in tow. Shit I’m thinking to myself, how the hell did she know we were here? And what a fucked up place to find us… jesus.

Red became heated, her husband stepped away from me and turned toward the interruptors. “Hey” she spat “You’re not supposed to be in here!”

I was reluctant to chime in, so I sat unabaited and naked… and bound to a fucking wall.

“John knows I’m here.” The Mistress strode across the room towards her, hands free of any riding crops. “I figured if you folks were gonna play, you’d need a team leader.”

My husband, who had remained horrified and silent in the background, clutched his belt in spanking position, chuckled a bit at her statement and leaned in to Jess “I’ll just beat the shit out of her with my belt” he whispered.

But I heard him say it, so did Red and her husband… so did the Mistress.

“YOU” she spun on her heels and extended a long, manicured finger to my husband… “here NOW.” She then pointed towards the padded bed that Red’s husband accompanied only a short time before. My husband reluctantly took a seat and shrugged his shoulders toward Jess. She still stood mystified by the room and it’s contents… her mouth slightly agape, her clothes wrapped in her arms covering her breasts. I think she was shivering, or scared… either way it pissed me off.

“Really thanks for returning our friends, but you can go now.” Red kept on, chiding the Mistress like she owned her.

“You” she paid no mind to Red’s comment and now diverted her direction at Red’s husband “Join him.” He did, without question… Remembering the punishment he had gotten a short time before.

I thought to myself Fuck this figures, doesn’t it? I’m never gonna get fucked around here. Forget this shit. And began to slip a hand from a cuff on the down low while her head was turned. Red saw this and also began to try for her escape… but no luck, her cuffs were too tight. “You thinking of bailing?” I asked to her as she struggled.

“Hell yes, you?” she whispered back.

The Mistress now spun around again to Jess… “You.” Jess stood frozen, I do believe that yes, she was frightened. “Join your little girlfriends.” The Mistresses long, bony finger swayed to our position at the wall. Jess hesitated at first, but then paced quickly over to us and stood near me. “I’m scared Emma.. I don’t think I like her very much.”

“Jess, just do what she says… and let’s remind ourselves to read the pain disclaimer next time we go to a Halloween party at Johns.” I said that only to make her smile, and I was thankful that it worked. All for not however as the Mistress began her strut in our direction, coming face to face with me, standing beside Jess.

“You wanna get down then?” She raised an eyebrow, noticing I had wriggled one hand from the cuff. “Alright then sweet thing, you can come down.” With that she released my other cuff… I rested my arms to my sides, taking a moment to rub my wrists.

“You there… bitch” she called to Red “You too then?” Red nodded, knowing better than to continue her attitude if she wanted this to end. “Alright, down you go.”

So the three of us ladies stood before the mistress, dwarfed by her height… intimidated by her persona, completely undecided on whether to make a break for it ? Or stay. The Mistress swiped the blindfolds away from Reds husband, as my husband gave a nervous smile in my direction. She began to make her way back across the room to us, but stopped quick half way to grab a bull whip off the wall. Yes, bull whip… fuckin’ A. Now's a good time to run.

“Now ladies, put these on or I’ll whip you.”

We all shot a look of challenge to each other, would she really I wonder? Fuck that, I’m not taking any chances… and if I run, that whip will catch up with me for sure. I put on my blindfold, the other two follow my lead. The Mistress circles around the back of us, checking all for tightness and security. “Now all of you hold hands.” I can hear Jess whimpering slightly… but obeying as her and Red’s sweaty palms join with mine.

Suddenly I am led towards a different part of the room. I can hear the men’s voices growing dim as we retreat from our previous positions, being led by the mistress… I knew it was her, I could hear the click click of her damn heels.

Once we stopped we were once again aligned side by side… and pressed up against something. I couldn’t quite make it out, but it pressed into my abdomen… a Table? Bed? Strange. I extended my hand to feel what was before us; and felt thick smooth texture, more suede? No no, leather... yes, leather. Perhaps even a bit worn down.
It was hard, kinda narrow.. but kinda wide... I dunno, it was hard to explain but I had definetly felt one of these before... but where? Spreading both hands outward to feel the curvature of this object, and the handles that sit atop it in just the right positions... I realize what it is.

I can make out the sound of the Mistress now walking away "You girls stay put, the door has been locked." … click click click

“What is this? Where are we now?” Red inquired to me in a softly spoken way, as not to make her come back.

“Yeah, do any of us know what this is?” Jess agreed, and questioned as well.

“I think I do.” I hesitated, and then outstretched again… feeling the bottom, sides… pushing Jess a little to re-affirm I had taken inventory of the whole object.

“girls... brace yourselves… it’s a fucking pummel horse.”