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Thanks! and see you all very soon.

KISSES!

Chloe and Emma

Getting what I deserve? HNT!

How Naughty Today?
(oh, very naughty... very very)

So while standing in the bedroom stark ass naked, thinking about what to post for my HNT (half-nekkid Thursday)... The husband walks in.

<---- Standing buck-ass naked with a camera

Not sure what the fuck you're up to ---->

Don't get me wrong, the hub has taken HNT's before (with me or of me), but it's not often that you just walk in on a naked woman with a camera without some notice... sooooo....

***play out weird caught you with the camera, why are you naked and what are you doing scenario in your head.. You've got it just about right.***

After all the turmoil sexually stemmed and steamed by you hot fuckers talking dirty to me all fucking day; to say the least I was a little spunky, and prompted he fucking take the pictures...

Jesus, has anybody but me actually read those comments from the last post back?
There's some real pent up frustration from the men in there.... Apparently they all would kick my ass and rip me a new one if let them.

*note to self:.... Let them.*

Anyway, back to the husband and I and our spontaneous camera debacle...

My mouth is a common denominator for trouble.
Basically, if you're looking to start something sarcastic and playful with me... I'm gonna play because god damnit I love a challenge.

I like feisty in the bedroom almost ALL the TIME,
... I don't go for this making love crap... Frankly it bores me.
Be sensual and slow if you need to... BUT DON'T TRY TO BE ROMANTIC... Gag.

Dazzle me with your athleticism and keen wit between the sheets too.

*note to self:... Your chain of thought just strayed again honey... Focus, focus.*

Anyway, my mouth, bad terrible thing it was... Ran on, like it does and well.... He was cocky back... Resulted in a little physical play... kinda like a meeting of frustrations if you will. But we both knew what the intent was of course. So, commence with:

wrist grabbing
*hot*

Throw on the bed
little name calling
<---- me still naked
Fucker pins me and starts being orally attentive to the boys....
I struggle, he grips tighter sucks harder
<--- now still naked and loving this shit And then... AND THEN... He stops. . . . no, people, he stops. gets up. and begins to walk away. *blank stare* I return to a standing position, and taunt... "UMMMM FUCKER?" I said, "what the fuck was that about? You haven't done any of that shit lately and frankly it's--"
He reaches back, grabs my wrist again and spins me face down in the comforter (pinning my wrist to my back), then simulates fucking me from behind (still clothed mind you, I'm the naked one here!!!).... the sexy mother fucker then insists on biting my neck.

Once again, I'm like RIGHT ON!!!!

But nothing, he silently gets up and walks away.

I see you workin' fucker... that's right Mr. Naughty I know what the fuck you're up to. He's back to boom people, tonight should be a doozy. Maybe.

To all of you lovely people that assisted me today (yesterday) in keeping me sayted until I could pummel or be pummeled, He took this pic for you.

k. shew.

Happy HNT!!!



If you want to learn more about HNT, click on the rolling box and talk to my big sweet HNT daddy, Osbasso!

Aggravation Gestation

Alright you poor, poor men. *shaking head*

I feel your pain... and I don't know how you do it.

Really, enlighten me on how to get through the fucking bullshit fact that I have to be Dom all the fucking time lately?

I mean, statistics show that you guys lead 84% of the time in the bedroom. Soooo... There must be a time when you're sick of being the instigator.... AM I WRONG?

How do you cope with that shit? !?!? Does it get you as fucked up in the head as I am right now? Or is this just a woman thing....

Ever just want to be submissed? Of course ya fucking do!!! So wtf? Educate me on the ways of dealing with this fucked up scenario in my life because the road doesn't look any better in the ways of Emma getting pinned and pumped. God fucking damnit, I'm downright livid about it.

I'm tired of fucking god damnit, somebody fuck me... it's an issue, and it's growing to a massive proportion of bottled up psycho-nympho submissive turmoil rage.

I'm sick of the sick husband... and the need for all the pussy I've had in the last week to be submissive.... Seriously.

Christ I just want somebody to wrap their fucking hands around my arms and push me onto the bed...
be rough, really, I could give a fuck right now.
And call me names, tell me what you want to do to me, have your way with my body and leave me in a sweaty heaving mess on the floor.

Or spank my ass, spread my cheeks apart and finger me... Anything you do after that of course won't matter because, well... I just won't give a fuck if it means I'm caving to ya.
Call me dirty bitch, tie me up and tease me with heat and ice.... rip off my clothes and make me serve 'it' to you... Fuck that, I really don't fucking care as long as it means I'm getting bruised in the process.

is that too fucking much to ask?!?!?! Jesus...

No more of this "take me Emma" or "You want it, work for it" bullshit. I want it served to me bitches.

K. So I'm on a mission from God to be Dominated.

I don't care if you're a man or woman, better if both at the same time but *shrug* I'll take what I can get. I'm accepting applications for somebody to thrash and use me... This could work well for two reasons:

1. Just listening to you mother fuckers talk dirty to me will inspire me to pummel my husband again(or some innocent bystander).
-or-
2. I will show up at your door and not leave until you drive it deep and pull my hair... especially you saucy women god damnit.

I consider this a plea for help, a sick sick sick one... But I can't go on trying to hurt myself here people... just something humilating about throwing yourself against the wall, you see.... and... God damnit I just want fucked... that's all... just fucked.

K, thank you.

**This has been a special service announcement by Everything Nice... This woman will self-destruct in 24 hours if not disabled.**

Highlights from the day that was better than yesterday... And the day before

What's up with the hot RN's these days?

Furthermore, what's up with the abundance of hotness appearing everywhere lately? It couldn't be a weather thing because with the sub-zero temps we've been having nobody's baring any skin; it's quite the contrary.

Low and behold though in every nook and cranny there's a hot man or woman lurking, waiting to shed the winter layers... I see you fuckers working that shit. Stop it, I'll go hormonal on all y'all.... I nearly almost completely lost my control today in the 'good girl' department. I'm not sure if it's because my receptors are peaked due to stress, or the fact that I'm sending out some kind of weird sexual conontative smoke signal every where I go.

It was a strange day, filled with duties and pleasure... Definitely a roller coaster, yet banner day for me.

ICU (internal combustion undergoing)

Is it the hospital perhaps? They're all at the fucking hospitals! Because that's where I'm at and I'm seeing them!! People listen, you wanna see some fucking hotties... fake an illness... The more chronic the better the view from the nursing staff *sigh*

I'm seriously fucking tense and frustrated about staring at these pepper haired, graying templed doctors... I'm failing my own masturbation rule by just saying yes every time I find a spare moment.

And they have some mouths on them don't they, those doctors? Fuckers intellectually challenged me every time and still worked in a hard-core flirt tactic. So when we're speaking about medications and dosage, you know, I get the:

Dr.R: Yeah so you just want to make sure she gets it once in the morning, and once in the evening.. Well, you know.. her medications *snicker*

Me: um, err... *laughing strangely* so yeah I would think her meds because I'm not sure she's up to well, you know... Or well I dunno maybe that's what she needs.

Dr. R: If you believe the other would work for her we could put her on an stimulant.

Me: Whoa whoa I'm getting grossed out here alright really let's be serious.

Dr. R: Right, I think i almost puked a little myself. Do you have sisters?

Me: *Laughing really hard* Wait, wait.. Dr. R did you just say 'puked in my mouth'? That's hilarious... Jesus, I would have never thought I would hear a doctor say that to me. *ignoring the sister question*

Is it me people? Do I attract it? Do I put off this 'come hither vibe?'
I can count at least three nurses that offered me ice cream... wtf? Do I look like I need ice cream? Okay maybe I do. Cause damn, it's hot as fuck in here now that I almost had a date with that nice doctor.

*sigh* Grandma's happily in hospice as of tomorrow... HUGE sigh of relief from little Emma, because now she can get back to her nympho self and write some smut! Not grams, ME.


WHAT'S WITH THE NEW INTERNS (Mid day pleasantries)?

More hotties when I saw Shawn today to give my opinion on some things (and then told him to fire his advertising department). I got an ass pinch on the way out... again, nobody ever pinches my ass JUST BECAUSE.
I figured by this time, I must be emitting something... Is it my pheromone wash? I mean wow, I'm hot shit and it's inflating my ego to 2500 psi!

-----
MOJITO's HONEY (afternoon delight)?

Red called me for drinks as well, which was a perk.

I found it interesting since I had hardly heard from her since John's party... I meandered her direction for a few hours only to find she had a bubble bath freshly drawn and had hired a masseuse for a couple hours.
Bubble baths with beautiful women and deep tissue massages do wonders for the soul. Everybody please remember this and practice at will... Call me, I'll hold the towel (or be the towel).

This encounter will be in my next submission package- that's how hot it was.

So now I sit, at 9 in the evening... Trying to brainstorm on the expansion of this story for bookdom... But it's been such a strange weekend I'm thinking of ditching it and going to sleep...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Flip-flopper seeks sexual healing

K folks, if any of you know anything about elderly norwegian women then you know they are stubborn, bull headish, and intensely uninterested in taking authoritative orders....
*sigh* grandma is still kicking, but insists on being a pain in my ass as it pertains to her care.

God love her, she's just like me.

But how am I? Err well, I guess I'm hanging in there.
I can't dwell on the sorrow of her illness because it just drags me down, so I've worked all evening to adjust my way of thinking and bounce back. Yesterday was a good day for me to just release the harbored feelings of losing her and concentrate fully on her still being around.

It's amazing what you can learn from your Grandmother when you're all alone and she's high from the morphine drip.
Things such as (I'm qouting here people, no joke) :

1. I always hated catty women with their noses up in the air like that. I enjoyed the men more, because they always made me feel special... nope, never cared for women... bitches.

2. I loved your grandfather so much, I remember I used to cheat on him all the time... it made him jealous and kept him around... it's okay to do that you know sweetie, they like that.
*shock horror*

3. There's nothing wrong with marijuana, I tried it once... I found it to be really fun. What I wouldn't give for a marijuana cigarette right now.

4. Your grandfather never wanted to eat dinner, he wanted his double gin and tonic before he'd even touch food... every night...

5. Do you have chocolate in your purse? Say you have a candy bar for me.

OMG, where is my mother... checking time... Come on Mom, say you'll be here before I find out that those are silicon implants protruding from their chest.
(well, they were... circa 1976 breast implants... nice great... err)

ANYWAY ...

I've had to find a way to concentrate on myself for my health and to avoid stress. Since I couldn't get any of the nurses to slip me some meds, my mother and I got skunk drunk on Saturday night. Drinking with Mom was a treat, and oh so necessary since we had not spent good quality time together... Ever gotten drunk with your mother? Again, interesting conversations that are not necessary but shed insight on family secrets that I could have lived without knowing... for a while anyway.

My mom rocked the entertainment life style when she was younger (you tart!)... I had no idea she dated some very popular people... celebrities even... Anybody remember that song "The Letter" by the Box Tops? HA.



----> yeah, my mom planted that flag. Nice girl, really she was... "My baby, wrote me a letter." Catchy, isn't it? Envisioning mom doing the go-go thing... then taking dude back to the hotel... jesus...

<---- little shocked and convinced that I will never hear that song the same way again.

MOVING ON!!

So, when not drinking with my mom... or manning the 'emergency nurse button' for my sweet and spicy grandmother I'm taking this shit out on my husband... which apparently is not too healthy. He's got a sinus infection but I'm not letting him sleep.
oh no people, no rest for him... I need fucked, it's the only way to take out my stress.

So, I come home.. kids go to bed... I concentrate a little on the important things in life. And then as husband hits the sheets and drifts into a soft slumber...
I pummel the fucker.

Yes, pummel... I take it because I really don't expect for him to be all gung-ho when he can barely breath through his nose and his face hurts... poor baby. So I go down on him, he wakes up, asks me what the fuck? Realizes he has a mouth on his dick, smiles, and just lets me go to town... HA. Like he minds that I'm riding him in the middle of the night? Duh, NO.

I think I worked him over for a good hour last night.... Had a hard time acheiving a nice full orgasm BUT, I did cum and I did feel better and it was just enough for me to fall into a deep sleep.
I love using my husband like a tool. Best method of stress relief EVER.

So that's what I'm hinging on to keep me sane... sex. Because even when my world crashes around me and I lose everything I still need a stiff one... It's sick kinda, but at least I can identify with appropriate therapy and self medicate!

Alright, time to wrap up this post and let y'all know that I appreciated your shout outs yesterday... and the hugs and kisses I received *blush*. I have the day off but my schedule will be packed with getting grams to the hospice and fucking my husband. Which... *checking time*... needs to start right about now.

Delayed due to rain

For those of you that came to watch the Saturday Night Showdown, it has been
cancelled for the time being due to personal circumstances on both participants.

We will continue on task next Saturday as we are not anticipating any extraneous circumstances.

Thank You for your Understanding,
The Mngmt

---------------------------------------------------

Those of you that wish to read on, please do but I promise it will not be light hearted or even sexual to say the least. This is one of those times when I expound on my blog because it is therapy for me. I know many of you won't read this and that's just fine, believe me... But this way to expel the last days events is appropriate for me to feel all better.

You ever look somebody in the eye as they are suffering? When they reach out for you to help them but you are completely helpless to their needs? What if they are literally dying when they gasp for you and express panic?
and you can't do a fucking thing... Nothing. Just watch them go.

I did this three times today... Watched my grandmother to the very cusp of her life thread. One arm outstretched, the other clutching her throat... Mouthing the pleas of help while turning blue...

Eyes bereft of life. Will to only die. Suffering by suffocation.
And then the respiratory therapist would rush in (after my hitting the nurse emergency button 5 or 6 times consecutively...), and rescue her from certain death.

yeah, three times... Each time an emotional roller coaster of "should I say good-bye? I can't hold her... I can't say a damn thing but react to her immediate downward spiral as she fades... I want to rescue her. I want her not to die right now.... What do I do?!?!?"

So as she gasped for non-existent breath I freed her of her covers and rubbed her back as she faded each time... Since the therapist said to do so.. In this way I suppose I was to myself being heroic.
As the atomizer would puff away, and the last 'spell' was at it's abrupt end; she'd tell me how beautiful I am through tear stained eyes and admit that I was always her favorite granddaughter and how proud she was of me... And how it meant so much that I had come to be with her.

I went through a good 3 years of the same with my Grandfather who died of Parkinson's... What a nasty terrible awful way to die... Parkinson's. Yeah, he would just about get to the point where family was flying in and he'd perk and get all cocky again... Then he'd talk of the good old days on Catalina Island dancing with my grandmother when they were kids... blah blah blah "Where's my hat, I need it for the train?"
"What train grandpa"
"The one to Portland.. I need my hat before I go... I can't leave it, do you see it?"
"No Grandpa, I don't see your hat.. Can you go without it and get a new one when you arrive there?"
"OH NO, I can't I'm meeting with Andy, very important labor union meeting.. Have you seen my hat?"

Grandpa... You're sitting in assisted care with a feeding tube...

Oh, by the way.. He was on his way to Vegas apparently the evening before he died. Invited all his assisted care buddies to join him... Everyone was game apparently until good ol' Grandpa died in his sleep the next morning.

I think he hit it big and is faking his death.

Grandma began to fail shortly thereafter, as I have noted earlier in this blog...
It's been a difficult month being in and out of the hospital with my grandmother, my mother and I working in shifts to ensure her care (since she's stubborn and doesn't take care of herself). Most times I would take the evening shift so mom could sleep... But we both admit that Xanax could have far assisted our needs more so than the Tylenol PM... Or just lack of sleep thereof.

It had been a week since I had to babysit her, and she was in therapy from the strokes and the congestive heart failure... She was doing well... She was striving... God damn spunky ol' lady already had a biker boyfriend (in rehab for a staph infection)... She was happy, my mom was happy, I was happy....
Okay shit people what can I say? 91 year old broads need love too. Nothing wrong with tattooed bikers with staph infections...

Yeah, that phone call I got as I strolled the aisles of the local store with my kids came all at the wrong time. I did not need to hear my mother say that now grandma had caught double pneumonia... And I should come to the hospital right away... or that it could be any minute... No, because I was at least an hour away from her by that point. So, like a crazy woman I rushed through the aisles haphazardly to grab what I could, suppressing my tears... Hoping that I could get the kids home and leave to be by her bedside in time.

god damn, im glad I could. So glad.


I brought her Irises today. I love Irises... It's my absolute favorite flower and it's just the beginning of the season so I was quite surprised to see them at the gift shop. Lovely deep purple .. And a cobalt blue vase.... She couldn't get over her beautiful flowers.

And as we said good-bye to her this afternoon with a promise to see her tomorrow I almost feel as if she will not make it through tonight. Honestly, if she does it will be a miracle... And it sucked to walk out that door, to leave her alone with nothing but her plastic cup of water and a panic nurse button... But if we had stayed she would not have slept, damn the lady probably wouldn't have ever stopped chatting. She loves to chat, that one...

I did kiss her and tell her I love her. And then she had to go and recall the one special moment we shared together... The poignant one... Warm grandma fuzzies.
I wept... And just reliving it makes me weep now.

This post will disappear in the morning most likely, replaced by something more upbeat and not so deeply personal...

But it served it's purpose:

-- To aid me by letting it 'go'

-- To let somebody know that 'yeah, I'm still the same but thank you for letting me hear your voice today and being there when I needed you.'

-- And to tell a totally different person that has just lost a grandmother how absolutely fucking shitty this is and honey you have every bit of my hugs right now. Every bit.

I'm taking a bath and trying to convince myself that now, I will not catch pneumonia.. Because that would kill MY ass for certain... oh yeah people... crappy endoctrine systems and bunk kidneys LOVE pnuemonia... A LOT.

toodles.

Triple FFF and a baby face.. gawd.

It's Friday, and you know what that means... don't you?

Triple FFF! Another fantastic fucking Friday is upon us and I bet that all of you are going to have a wonderful weekend, while I obsess about this book and write up the short story about John's party for all of you.

There will be a Saturday Night Rumble tomorrow.. might wanna check it out. I hyper-linked the last one so those not familiar with it can ketchup. Honestly, this one oughta be good since it's myself competing against Tequila Girl... so really, you need to buy tickets people.
If it's not posted tomorrow it's because I'm having SEX, so you'll have to wait til Sunday morning.

On Fridays I kinda throw stuff together or do a tag. I don't have a tag so I stole something kinda fun from Sullen Girls blog... Hope you enjoy.

Happy FFF, and have a funfuckingtastic weekend ya'll.

----------

WHAT WERE YOU DOING...

1 MINUTE AGO: Requesting naked photos
1 HOUR AGO: Taking off my work clothes
1 DAY AGO: at this time? most likely masturbation.

FIRSTS

First piercing: My ears at 7
First credit card: SCARY
First musician you remember hearing: Doobie Brothers
First REAL kiss: OH jesus.. wow, his name was Chuck and he was a sk8tr boy. HA. He had red hair, freckles... little irish boy... nice.
First broken heart: Sophomore year, by a girl
First movie you remember seeing in a theater: Star Wars, at the drive in.
First celebrity crush: Han Solo (who is NOT harrison ford, Han Solo was a man in himself).
First best friend's name: Teresa
First alcoholic drink you tried: Orange juice and vodka, left in the van cupholder by mom... thanks mom.
First vacation you took: Mt. Saint Helens, when the fucker blew. Good Timing.
First music video you ever saw: Video Killed the Radio Star by the Bugles, when MTV clicked on for the very first time...

LASTS

Last long car ride: East to go fishing, love long drives... and yes, I can piss in a Coke can WHILE driving.. screw the rest stops.
Last movie seen in theaters: I don't really remember... actually. sad.
Last food consumed: Fruit Snacks HOLLA!
Last person you called: Teresa
Last CD played: 40 oz. to Freedom by Sublime
Last drink you drank: Coke
Last item purchased: flowers for somebody... for Valentines Day.

SHORT ANSWER

I HATE: Mens slacks (it's short answer or I'd expound)
I FEAR: NOTHING, NOBODY
I FEEL: Horny, wanna fuck?
I HIDE: In the bushes when you stalk me
I MISS: My virginity sometimes... okay, never.
I NEED: Orgasm, preferably given not worked for.
I FEEL: I'm actually STILL horny... imagine that.
I KNOW: A lot actually
I THINK: Therefore, I am
I AM: Thinking... and horny.
I HAVE: Hard nipples right now.
I LIKE: Men. still. and porn. and fishing... and..
I WISH: He didn't just say that.
I WONDER: If I should...
I SING: Dan Dan Lavatory Man- like a champ.
I CRY: Your name... and i bite my pillow.
I AM ALWAYS: getting into trouble, it makes for great writing
I WON'T: Give in.. I'm stubborn.

A LITTLE OBSERVATION

Open the 6th email in your inbox and read the 3rd sentence.

"A bit of fetish play, like waxing a beautiful, expensive car."

Open the 3rd email in your sent items and read the 4th sentence.

"And it looked like there was a party in the making, so I thought I'd offer to bring the appetizers...heh...yeah."

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can and see what you touch.
The side arm of the couch. If I were on extasy it would feel fucking awesome im certain.

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
ON the TV, or a show on tv? The Daily Show, followed by the Colbert Report.

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The creak of the chair, the dog licking his balls... always lovely.

When did you last step outside?
an hour ago.

What were you doing?
uhhhh. I plead the fifth on that actually.

Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
NICE pictures.. NICE.

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
It's dark in here, and I'm stoned... I could really give a fuck what's on my walls. And besides I don't think I ever really noticed.

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A bass boat, airfare to see all of you (seriously), bring you back for a party and fishing.

Tell me something about you that I don't know...
NO, that would be frightening and I'm shy.

And last but not least... I promised a baby photo. Yes, I know every body want's to see lil' Emma... awwwww. Well here I am.
Dig the yellow gingham dress with the white apron?
Jesus, I was a pudge.. lookit those cheeks!!!
friggin chipmunk.

Oh, and to go with the photo I'll give you one unique thing about my baby-ness--
I didn't suck my thumb, I sucked my middle and index finger.. yeah both... so you know that gag reflex never really had the chance to develop correctly...

Sure, I had braces.. but I can deep throat fuckers, so how about that?!?!?!

HNT TIME!! I'm spent... lemme sleep.

Hurt No one's Testicles.

See, I'm trying to come up with creative ackronym's for HNT, which is actually half-nekkid Thursdays for those of you that aren't aware.

Soooo... yeah, I'm half-nekkid while writing this and I have no intention on hurting anybody's testicles either... yet.

I see a lot of new people commenting on my blog, and I have to wonder if they need an introduction. I think this HNT is a good way to welcome the new 'students' and re-cap on who I am and what I do... before Shawn gets to it first (fucker, i shoulda never gave you my blog link)... I see your IP.... lurkin'.

--pulling out cue-cards--
*ahem*

The name's Everything Nice.
But those of you that email me and know me can call me Emma... if I've slept with you or have discussed sleeping with you then you can call me Em. If I've let you dominate me and work me like a rubics cube... then you can call me whatever you want.
(girls gotta have her standards)

**I have two boys, well, 3 counting husband.

**I'm a blatent bi-sexual with no regard for manners, so If I hit on you... then well.. there's nothing I can do about it.

**I'm a nympho and I love men which is not healthy nor is it acceptable to me to torture myself by staring at your asses and wondering what you smell like EVERY DAY. That goes for you too girls, only you let me smell you. Well, unless you're Jax... and then you're too far away.. so Blondie needs to smell you and report to me... and then let's see your bedroom (for the DECOR people).

**My husband and I are swingers... so yes we do the couples and/or group thing, don't let it shock you... really... lots of couples out there are the exact. same. way. Right now, I just want to say hi to J and his hot wife... and Alex the lucky bastard and his gorgeous wife Suze... two swingin' couples that like to... umm. Swing.

** I have a few close friends in my immediate err vicinity/history... Dominator and Johannes. Dom and I have well err... we go WAY back... Johannes is my sexual chocolate and we'll be attending the 2006 Pimp and Ho ball together... If you see either of these two, say HI please. They sneak.

**I am an author when not at my day job, first and foremost I think i am a writer though (this is why Sassinak likes me, I'm sure for my mind). I write erotica short stories, and poetry... umm, I do articles for online venues and magazines such as; Sexual self-help colums, Porn review, Editorials... etc. All sex and relationship related...

** I found Jesus recently, and haven't been the same since.

** Tequila Girl and I will be doing a Saturday Night Rumble this Saturday, complete with Mud wrestling... That should be FUN. Perhaps KB can ref that... I bet she looks HOT in a striped bikini... hmmm.

** Dan will be dry humping my leg for a Martini and an honorable mention... Any body else want to hump my leg? I'm wearing a skirt today so that might get kinda messy... Horsn maybe? No? Dammit.

**I do not compete with Murphy for chicks, they normally just get sick of men coincidentally and -pop- on over here. And that's cool... girls, I would never ask you for pictures of your breasts.. but if you want to send them.. It's cool.. no, really... especially you Buttah.

**I secretly want to sleep with all of you... Especially you Scumbag.. you make my g-spot pilot light flicker.

Umm.. shit. See, just thinking about my g-spot pilot light distracted me from this list... errr.
For more information and insight on Emma, go here now.

K, Seriously

I want to welcome my new friends to the Bubblegum Fold (so welcome really), and I want to give a shout out to the friends and readers that have been here from day 1.. you rock. As you will notice I've been updating my sidebar, so there are new occupants in the links area... as well as my playlist (which has been updated once a week)... which I will keep on task about.
So, it's all good..
But.
But.
There are some of you out living life right now, busy as hell and not blogging... you know I totally understand that shit... I, myself, may be taking a disappearing hiatus if I can't expound this book in a 6 month time frame (I've never had a book deal, HUGE responsibility I'm learning)...

Blondie. Castu. Sugarpunk. Jay. Chuck.
I miss you. I hope you're doing your thing... feelin' the flow... doin' the bull dance... workin' it.

Jesus, I loved that movie. K.
Blondie call me... I want to have phone sex with you. lol.. umm.. HA.

For this HNT I decided to pull a pic from the archives. Snavvlyn had mentioned she wanted to see more of my tat... ShyRocket wanted me to pull my pants down a spec... I even got some bottom tit in that shot if you look closely... and I'm sure somebody else wanted to see the tank.. *pom poms*
Romey, are you still all about the full frontal? Call Roethlisberger and see what you can do. You know, you're still my favorite manwhore...

I'm losing inspiration on my HNT's folks... So, I'm thinking of either pulling from the archives and reposting, giving you less HNT's or err... ummm, taking. requests?

No, scary. Bad Emma.. bad bad Emma *spank*
I know figleaf could think of something creative and interesting though!

Helskel, I want you to know I am all about the skirts for you this weekend baby... I don't know why you spin me right round... baby, right round like a record baby right round, round round.

OH! And Happy Birthday Madame... sexy bed-robics bitch you.

I just want to say that I'll be watching you 'green readers' like a hawk.. you hear me? HAWK. And if you're not on my side bar, you're more than likely teetering... but I see you workin' and will update daily depending on whether I'm pissy or not.

I'm rambling... I need a Calzone. Or Thom could follow through on my Mongolian Beef.

If you want to learn more about HNT, click on the rolling box and talk to my big sweet HNT daddy, Osbasso!

Happy Humps, happy happy

Soooo... Yeah, it's Hump Day. I want to welcome everybody to the middle of the week...

Welcome.

I am running off adrenaline and alcohol remnants today since I did not sleep last night. As you know I attended John's Valentines day suare'... Some of you lucky people are familiar with it, some of you newer visitors... Are not. *giggle*

I'm not going to go into details about it (yet), in normal fashion I will write it out and share with you later.... And I will try my best not to tease this time as I go :D

alright. alright.
Here's some quick Q's and Random Thoughts for Wednesday... Hopefully this can carry me over to HNT where I can just paste a picture of my ass and then get all back to normal by Friday... YEAH FRIDAY!!

So....

1. Is there such a thing as over-sexed? I used to think so, now I'm not so sure...

2. What's with women always wanting to put some kind of emotional twist on casual sex? K, not all women... But just the ones that want to 'keep' you.
Ummm... Honey, if there's at least 50 people casually fucking around us... What makes you think we're having a spark-a-thon here?

3. Men don't care what your face looks like if you're on all fours in front of them... Duh.

4. Valentines Day is the kind of holiday that I think will eventually sink to a category 1 in the terms of doing something in married folk category eventually.... I know of more single people that had something nice done for them than any of the married people I talked to last night.

5. I didn't get flowers, candy, or other terms of endearment for Valentines Day... narry an e-card... I got three from people I honestly didn't expect to send one to me... WOW... You people rock... Seriously. Made my day, and since you're the only people that gave Emma some V-day loving... You are now officially on my attentive list.... Which means after we spend the night together, I'll buy you breakfast. I'm a giver like that.

6. Sooo... Is anybody else noticing that the men are lacking game lately, or is it just me? I mean, come on guys Jesus... Hit on me already... Don't shrug and say you got nothin'... At least give it a go... I thought you were aggressive bastards when it came to 'play'. Stop being such a pussy.
Dazzle me dammit! Get out of your funk!!!

7. Tequila Girl and I need to mud-wrestle, but I have a feeling it would get messy... One or the other of us would get naked and I don't think you all could handle that. Perhaps the old Saturday Night Showdown would be an appropriate venue for some thong tugging.

8. Who knew women came in different flavors? Okay I did... But really that's cool because you can mix two and come up with a new flavor all together... like they're doing with gum and shit.

9. Men shave their balls now more than ever. I appreciate that... Makes head easier and hummers rock without the extra fluff.

10. Is it freaking cold enough around here? Ummm 20 degrees helps the hard nipples, but after awhile they just stay permanently stiff and then what? I mean Jesus people, they have a mind of their own today... Can you dial a phone with your nipples? Why yes, yes I can dammit... So if you get a call today and nobody's on the other end... It's either lefty or righty...

Just tell them you love them... In fact, lick the receiver...

** oh, and I almost forgot (or was reminded) that I still have yet to explain what a crop-duster is... Alright well a the crop dusting position is a tricky one to visualize through type (and no you perverts, I don't have photos!!)...
K, man on the bottom... woman on top... but you're not sitting on him, you're like... hovering... k, yes dick inside you... barely... just the very tip... So you want to lean back in this position but not rest on him (so no reverse cowgirl, this is completely different)... no pumping... Reach down and stroke his balls a little while you barely move up and down only taking about an inch or two of him (like just over the head-lip)... keep the lean while you work, it's good for the G-spot... (if you have long hair it will tickle his chest and nipples which apparently rocks for some men...
Anyway.. so you're leaning, barely giving the ol' up and down slide... playing with balls... k, take your fingers and wrap them around the base of his dick that is not inside you.. only two fingers...(thumb and pointer), and stroke him WHILE you fuck him, WHILE your hair tickles his nipples... This is a tri-level experience for him and an ab and thigh work out for you...
Crop duster.**

"No, your penis is inverted"

Alright. Conundrum.

Apparently I'm not a female at all. I can be female at times... Well because I lack the ability to produce ample amounts of testosterone... But female female, nope I submit that I have been analyzed... And thus the answer rendered is that I am not a woman at all.

No people, I'm a man... and my penis is inverted.

So, you would think if somebody said that to you, the logical response would be... "Well yeah, *sticking out chest* see the size of my balls? And what a better place to have them than on my fucking chest."

I suppose for a woman to say that and have it be normalcy for her... Yeah, perhaps I do have a penis inversion dilemma.

So I take you to the other night when my editor and I were drinking and conniving what to do with the local rag we write for.
He had an editorial piece due, I had a self-help... Usually when we meet to brainstorm, it's a casual affair... Two drinks tops... Discuss only business... blah blah blah (that way he can write off the drinks as a business expense).
Needless to say, when trying to get creative about what to write in a sexually alternative forum... You talk about weird shit.

Shawn is my editor (you fucker), nice guy... Shy... Lives with mom. He's the one that lit the fire under my ass about the Emma 13 (plus hottie). And that was a hit! No wonder he's the editor and I'm a fucking administrative gopher...

He laughs at me all the time because I'm all about just being me, and not something well, that I'm not. Blondie can testify to this... I don't cater... That's for sucks. I just go with the flow and hang out but make the best of the situation or conversation... Or at least I try.

I like to have fun and not dwell... wtf.

Shawn finally called me on it. Yep, he did... "Emma, see, you're problem is that you're NOT a woman in the roundest of terms. On a steep grading curve I'd put you on the way end of being female."

"Shut up Shawn, you know I can't help looking."

"But you had the neck crane."

"She was hot" as I motioned to the waitress.

"You're buying her a drink, aren't you?"

"Maybe." And then to the waitress "Can you please put one of her drinks on my bill, preferably her first."

"Christ Emma, what's wrong with you? Women don't buy women drinks."

"Shawn, would you sleep with her if you didn't live with mom?"

"Fuck you... Of course I would."

"Fuck me? Wanna arm wrestle?"

And the night went on with intellectual conversation about why I'm not female in whole... I mean, my fingernails are painted (and yes they match my damn toes)... My body is smooth and soft, supple and I'm sensitive in all the right places. I have curves that make a cello jealous (K, not really but that sounds hawt), and breasts....

My argument was that I could be a bit unorthodox in my behavior as a female, but I'm certainly no man.
As Shawn put me up to the challenge with the Emma 13 (plus one hottie)... I put him up to the challenge of giving me 13 reasons why I'm a man with an inverted penis and not a woman with a guy's attitude, and then an explanation if it necessitates it.

Here ya go:

I believe my assignment was easier than yours by a short score but I was able to come up with a list of reasons you are not a woman, in the societal terms or dictionary text-book definition of what a woman 'should' be. I think you will agree with me, if not in whole; at least a small bit.

1. You don't go shopping. In the years I've known you, every single time we talk or I review your pieces you always bash shopping. Every woman I know loves shopping like an affliction in one way or another, but you simply don't.. You abhor it. The only time you shop, is when you shop with a woman because you have no idea what you'll look good in besides tank tops and jeans... And those Crocs.

2. You love sports. Sometimes and in some ways more than some guys do. I don't think any one really expects to see little ole Emma get all ajar in regards to how the score is going because you got money or something hinging on the game. Furthermore, you make excuses not to write during football season. You think I don't notice that shit, don't you?

3. You talk like a sailor and you really don't seem to care. You said fuck at the grocery store the other day as if it were a verb...

4. Speaking of sex, have you noticed that to you it seems more like a recreational sport than an emotional experience? I have. What is it exactly that gets your emotional goat? I would say that 99.9 percent of all the women I've dated would say that once they have sex with a man they would consider themselves involved in some way. You don't carry that though... That's a guy thing.

5. The other night, I saw as many as 5 very attractive men walk by, and you glanced. Then, that one girl walked in (with the green sweater), and you could hardly contain yourself. So, you buy her a drink and what did you say when I asked you why you weren't buying drinks for the men... You said:
"I would have to put up with all the bullshit before sex if I buy one for a guy. If I buy her a drink, she may sleep with me... And then I just don't leave her my number so I don't have to worry about the after sex bullshit."

SO, what was feminine about that statement?

6. Women go to pampered chef, you go to poker night.

7. You smoke cigars and talk about women better than the men do. You've written about this before though, so you're fully aware by why it's odd.

8. You react, you get destructive.... Not vindictive. Emma you wreck shit, like filing cabinets. I would almost rather you put on your blog that I live with my mother than for you to dent a filing cabinet one more time. I keep trusty dusty here now just for your abuse.
All my ex-girlfriends have done the revenge thing pretty well... Why don't you? Well, because you are either at two extremes here; a- you really don't give a fuck and blow it off, or b- you punch something, stew in it, and then it's like nothing ever happened. I'm still waiting for you to hold a grudge.

9. You're an outdoors freak on a leash. Camping, fishing, hiking, boating, running, whatever... If you're outside chopping something or lighting a fire with dust and a fart you're hip to it. I would like to know though, what possesses you to be naked when you're in the wild? Alright, maybe we should save that for another time.

10. You eat bugs, drink beer and burp, operate high-powered machinery... You never ever ever wear a dress. I'm not talking about skirts, im talking about dresses. When was the last time you got all pretty? You don't go to spa's, or out with the girls unless you're sleeping with them. If you do go out with the girls, you're buying them drinks or ordering their food for them.

11. You need sex more than the average 18 year old guy with a swingin' dick and no agenda.

12. You shelter your emotions really well until you need to apply them. Most of my dates start crying if you tell her she doesn't look right in 'that' color... You always tell me not to fucking look then...

13. The selective hearing and vague response thing you do is almost uncanny. I for one, don't appreciate that you know our tricks. The 'uh-huh's and 'really?'s you pull when you're actually to enamored with her breasts to notice what she's saying. Or the times when you hear only the part of the assignment or criticism you want to hear. Although, it's nice that you don't go all flighty and off the hook when I don't give you proper kudos or constructiveness.

Now, please do your stupid movie review so we can make the deadline without having to work into the early morning hours this weekend, please? And make sure to report back about your Valentines Day party tomorrow or I'll have your ass in the palm of my hand.

Happy V-Day from a singleton.
Shawn

Okay, well... I'm not going to overthink this. I'm just going to say this...

HOT SHAWN, I love it when you talk dirty to me! That's new for you... you didn't hurt yourself doing that did you? I think Mom will need to get some band-aids....

Am I doing anything special for Valentines Day? Hell yea, Johns having a party... And there will be no Dominatrix there... So my ass will be happy. Literally and figuratively.

Did I get the red number I spoke about previously to wear? No, i didn't get it in time... but I have a nice pink number I could sport to the pahtay.

Happy Valentines Day people, regardless or your dating status... you'll always have love here!

*and my posse could kick anybody else's posse's ass... just beleive dat*

Posse UP

Interesting question was asked of me about a week ago. ..

Whilst discussing movies over drinks with a friend, he prompted the almighty brain craning question of:

"If you had a posse, made entirely of movie characters... Who would they be... NOT the actors/actresses.... But the characters."

"Posse? Like an entourage?"

"No, posse as in 'you're going to do something mischievous or ass kicking and you need your clan to back you up... Like an Ocean's 11 or something like that."

"Christ, I don't know... How many can I pick?"

"Hmmm, okay you can pick 13."

"Thirteen? Holy shit.. No way, that's not a posse... That's a small company."

"I know Emma, you can do it... Now pick up the tab."

Alright well this was a tough one to say the least... I sat and finished my Baileys and coffee while pondering for like fifteen minutes but only came up with a mere few. Then I realized that, damn, there were so many!!!
I asked my dear friend if I could ponder it and let him know; but after some quick negotiation it was agreed that I would post the list in here, with a brief explanation of why.

Never go drinking with an editor.

So here it is, for all of you wonderful people to enjoy. LMAO.

-------

EMMA's POSSE

1. Verbal Kint/Kayser Soze - Great planner, manipulator, and strategist. This would be the man that could strategize just about every step of the plan... In the same instance though, you'd really have to 'watch' him... So he didn't screw you out of the 'goal.'
I could see him being the mastermind of the operation without us even knowing the wiser. But since he has no tactical skill or physical endurance in fighting or arms, he would absolutely need the rest of us.
Madame watched this very movie tonight, read her little ditty on Verbal and the rest of the clan on the movie.


2. Hannibal King - Can you say DUH. He'd be there for kicks and kills. Any man with that attitude wrapped up in that physic can be on my squad anyday.
Seriously though, it has nothing to do with his body, or even the way he handles his guns...
um.... Or the way the sweat just kinda drips down the abs in that scene where he gets his ass kicked by that bitch vampire with teeth in her vagina.
No No, definitely the sarcastic but lovable fucking hilarious personality the guy has. Whoever wrote this character knew who I would assume to be my perfect man socially.
Besides... He's a vampire slayer!!!


3. Willy Wonka - Alright, any lady knows why this is. Ummm, fucking Chocolatier on your posse!!!
Every woman needs one of those!!! I chose the more recent (Johnny Depp) version of Willy Wonka over the (Gene Wilder) older flick. I think Tim Burton did a great job with the enigmatic of capturing the Willy Wonka character from the original book by Ronald Dahl.
The glasses he wears could potentially save him from nuclear holocaust (like a locust) and he carries that walking stick (which could be modified to be lethal); so really he's a perfect fit with a talent I could use always... Chocolate for me and my team.

No really though, I adore Willy Wonka's character and boyishness to keep me young at heart... His keen fashion sense... The neurosis which could keep me laughing...
and that awesome Oompa Loompa for mud wrestling.

K, this is getting weird. Moving on.


4. Doc Holiday - lover and Weapons Guy *sigh*
What gets me HOT about Doc Holiday? Jesus Christ I have no idea, is it the accent? The verbose? The sickly complexion? Maybe the blase' attitude? Or the fact that the character is terminal like me... And thus doesn't give a fuck - like me?
He's highly intellectual, cultured and dangerous... Triple threat.
I like it A LOT.
Because of the reasons above, I assume the character would be an awesome lover between the sheets. Nice.
Doc Holiday lights me up like 2 month old Christmas wrap in the fireplace, especially when he says the trademark line in the gun fight with Jonny Ringo.... *sigh*
He's a bad ass, he goes out fighting... And he's loyal. He's some one I'd want watching my back... Side. I'd not wear my bustle for him anyday. I guess I'm a daisy then.


Let's get some broads in on this...

5. Maggie (Point of No Return) - Sure she's a little fucked up as far as manners are concerned, but that's the way I like her... Honestly she's cool like that. Rough, vulgar, reckless.
She cleans up well and I can totally use her as my manipulator.
If that doesn't work, she can take the fucker out with a sniper rifle from 120 feet away.
We could smoke cigars together after the kill and talk about the mantra we share "I never did mind the little things."


6. Umm, another Maggie (Addicted to Love) - I think her position would be Creative Co-ordinator and surveillance. Yeah, she's a kick ass stalker.
I'm trying to convince myself it's not Meg Ryan I'm in love with... And it's tough. BUT nonetheless, I really think she would be a great addition to my posse. Not only is she lovelorn and psychotic, the girl is downright creative in the raw sense.
This is the girl who would stick bubblegum on her shoe and walk through your high-pile carpet on purpose. I could work Maggie on the inside just to watch her stick a roofie in your drink... Right uner your nose.

Then she'd mud wrestle with me on the off hours, or sit and watch movies while eating Ben & Jerry's.


7. Trinity - She rocks the PVC body suit, can take out 20 people in a room in 45 seconds... And keeps up with the boys. I think what I like most about her is that I could use her for Security and Technical issues as well as sphincter bludgeoning.
She's by far the most intelligent emotionally of all women characters, and committed.
I dig her because she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve like some others, and she works the high heels while doing her aerial kicks.

She'd definitely be on my fight squad, and good for a quick sparring round before the battle.

8. Karl (Sneakers) - He'd be my gopher and covert ops, and well my Swiss Army Knife posse guy.... Only because he's a genius but still innocent enough to corrupt...
I mean to teach the tricks of the trade, err ....

Should I want to retire with Hannibal King to the Caribbean... Or somewhere in Amsterdam, he will be smart and capable enough to run the operation for a while until our return.
His character can do just about anything really, and is endearing enough to fool even the most perceptive of security guards.
I just love Karl... he's cute and clueless.. kinda.


9. Rogue - Necessity here. She's getting a bad rap I think. I could use her as my Lethal Seductress.
I can see her being the one that lulls them back to the room, strips for em, gets their guard down (and their pants)... And then goes down on them.... Only to have the life literally sucked out of their body. Cool.

Really the character has skills, not utilized in the X-Men comics or movies... Can you imagine? Nuff said.
I know I know, there's not supposed to be any 'heroes' in this... BUT, come on!!! She's a hottie in gloves and a large hooded cape!!!
And you gotta admit that white stripe through her hair is smokin'.


10. I'm cheating, because I have to put Gil Grissom on here... And he's not a movie character.
Gil would be my Forensics expert and Informational intelligence person. Though ultimately he's most likely be my mind fuck first and foremost. Wise, cultured, and learned beyond his capacity; he still keeps the sense of humor... twisted, but there.
He'd always play hard to get and never give me a straight answer... but he's smart, and perceptive... and unabaiting. I have a crush on Gil Grissom people, it's a sick crush... I need his brain on my team. Well that and I need to stare at this grey hair.

I could read Balzac with Gil, and we could cuddle. We could have wine and listen to a contierto... hmmm... anybody ever been totally turned on by intellectual conversation?

sorry, just a random question.


11. Jason Bourne - The guy is a killing and escaping machine. He would be on the team for strategy, ass kicking, and identity protection.
I think that the Bourne character is a great one because it's human, but yet so fiercely propelled by something it doesn't completely understand. I mean, that character was projected to show that even a cold hearted operative can get amnesia... fall in love and disappear to India.

Jason Bourne is a good invisible man to have on the team, great escape artist... smart and keen when it comes to strategy... and the boyish face is to die for. NO, to die for.

He'd be the car chase man, the driver, and the one that gets away to bail the rest of us out when we need it... I'd need Jason Bourne for certain.
Hi Matt!


12. Inga (Young Frankenstien)- Personal Assistant.
HA. No seriously, hot!! Terri Garr in her younger years... my god have mercy.

BUT, we're talking about the character in whole... So who wouldn't want a hot swedish chick in a hay cart with cleavage stacked to her chin asking you in you want "A roll in da hay?"

She can assist me with my daily needs while still maintaining her ditzy-ness and ability to underthink shit. Definetly my PA... absofuckinglutely.


13. This was a toss up. It was either Jimme Conway (Goodfellas) or Rusty Ryan (Oceans 11/12). I figured I had enough bad asses in my clan.. I need a playboy that's a thief... So I opted for Rusty. I know I know, but ladies... I'm not a Brad Pitt fan.. i just can't get into it... is something wrong with me?
I like the Rusty Ryan character because he's a ladies man, but knows how to bolt and when. He's also a great clepto with a smile that could melt a marshmellow... and the guy always has a plan.. So I'd need him for strategy too I guess... hmmm.

Could be fun to watch him and Inga go back and forth while Maggie #1 cleans the weapons with Jason and Gil admires his pig fetus in a jar. I, of course would be sitting with Doc and Verbal, waiting for Hannibal to call on my bluff.
I'd have to let Karl fetch a candy bar occasionally so Maggie #2 wouldn't get too unstable and bother Willy... Trinity get's pissed when she does that because the licorice is just not right when he's bothered.


14. Yeah, I'm adding an extra... because I think Sass and I agree that she should be here. Abigail Whistler. HOLY FUCK... if I were straight, she would convert me. I'd have her on the crossbow and lazer whip 24/7.

She's more than a vampire slayer, she's freakin' heart breaker.

This girl can kick ass with the best of them, and she's friggin eye candy. Smart, strong, and ready at all times to spar... she rocks her ipod as she works.
Any girl that whistles while she works, works for me.

And like Sass says "her shoulders alone were worth the price of admission. "


-----
So THERE's my list... I'm watching a movie... But it's most likely porn since I have a review due. Isn't it kinda sad when you get put-off because you have to watch porn?

What the fuck is wrong with me? I think I need to get laid... like, now.

It's Tripple FFF!!! And I get to sleep in my own bed tonight!

For those of you concerned, Mr. Naughty is well enough that I can come back to bed! I'm very excited about this development... Very Very. BUT, for now...

Two things. Just two things.

In my comments section yesterday a lot of people asked why i call my breasts boys instead of girls. I replied to Snavvlyn in comment form, but many of you still asked (which means that you didn't see my comment)... and that's alright.

So here is the explanation I gave her:

Snav - do you know why I call them boys and not girls? I'll tell ya...

1. They don't whine about things or nag, they just sit there and take my abuse, but make me feel like shit for it later..

2. They're round about the mid section.

3. They perk up when they see hot women, sometimes even jumping out of my blouse on their own. This is not so with men. Usually that reaction happens downstairs.

4. They don't like being cornered or restrained.. they dig their independance, unlike some women who like to cling.
No, they are definitely not clingy...

5. They get a little annoyed at the other one when it comes to being paid attention to. (I know, this could be a girls thing)... BUT...
Girls get jealous and competitive, boys just get annoyed an ignore you.
It's fact that when just one tit is getting sucked and played with the other will just be all pissed off about it and not get hard or responsive... until you give it some love; then it's like awww, thanks, you fucking remembered me! BITCH!!!

Oh, and they HATE shopping for ANYTHING except electronics or car parts.

So that is why they are absolutely boys and not girls!!!

----------------

On Wednesday, Murphy did a post about competitiveness and the enjoyment of sports. I commented that I fish... he countered that it wasn't a sport.
Ummm... it sure IS a fucking sport! And then I pled my case... I'm sure of you missed that retort as well so here it is:

Holy fuck Smurphy.

Alright you know what? I wear a bikini every time I fish.. so breast action? Yeah, it's there.

I'd outfish you anyday, and you know this.

Sport is when you have a 11 pound big bass at the end of your line and he's divin' to the bottom to hide in the weeds, meanwhile you're pulling back, trying to get him back.. so you lock your reel and pull.
lock and pull
lock and pull.
Shit my bikini tie just came undone and I dropped my beer. shit.
k, fuck it. lock and pull...

"COME ON FUCKER, GET IN THE GOD DAMN BOAT!"

meanwhile your arms are getting a touch tired and everybody's like "holy shit, look at the breast action!" or "you got beer on me!"

So you decide to step backwards for a little more footing and strength and plant your topless having ass on a wayward hook jump and shake it off, fall back and into your friends husband.

He cops a feel, you're still trying to get the fish in the boat.

Finally you say fuck it because he tweaked your nipple, so you hand your rod to him and grab his .22.

aim for the water.
click. fire.

dead fish, no broken line... boobie play in the sunshine, new beer... it's all good.

Tell me that's not a friggin' sport... patience, endurance, preparation, strength, aggression... Yeah, it's a sport.
I miss FISHING!

Why do I like all things that start with an F? Football. Fishing. Fucking. Filandering... (ok, so that starts with a PH.. oh well, it makes the 'F' SOUND).

----------------

OHHH One more interesting tid bit: Thanks for the comments yesterday, my boys really felt special.. they perked a bit after all the compliments. And those of you that asked about my abs?

Yeah, i don't do push-ups or sit ups :) It's a sexual position called the 'crop duster' that keeps them solid.

----------------

Lastly, and to celebrate Fun Fucking Friday - I'm stealing an idea from the lovely Snavvlyn in hopes we will all participate and have some fun with it:

Please play along...I need laughs and laid. thanks.

Okay, here's the deal. The person above you in the comment section makes a wish ("I wish I had a banana!"), and then the person below grants your wish, and then wishes something else, but here's the fun part: Your wish is messed up!

Example:

Bucky Four Eyes----I wish I had a banana.
Hippo----Granted, but the banana tastes bad. I wish I had a ticket to a concert.
Susie----Granted, but it's a Barney concert. I wish....

I make good on this shit, K?!?! (HNT)

There is an HNT here, if you can get through the story...


So even though I'm freaking tired as hell and wearisome from my lack of good sleep. YES, since my husbands been sick I sleep on the couch to allow him room to spread out, sweat, adjust, toss and turn... etc. Well that and I try to molest him if I get too close no matter the situation... sooo.

Couch for me people, lumpy.ass.couch.suks.ass.hole. BUT, It reclines so we cant get rid of it until we replace it.. how about them cookies.

Speaking of cookies... as some of you may, or may not know- I was looking to place some bets on the Superbowl (nobody would bet me, I kept winning)... so Romey and Capn Scumbag stepped up to the plate and made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Well mostly Romey since really Capn just wants me for my body and can have me any time...
I'm convinced Romeo likes me for my mind. *BURP*

K here's the equation: Romey (East coast/ Pittsburgh) + Emma (Seahawks/West Coast) = The Bet that almost made me not want to bet... A full frontal shot for HNT *gasp*

I was bold, thinking that Pittsbarph had run outta steam, but alas my ass... they invited the refs to the after-party orgy with a promise to get them laid... sooooooo.

Nothing Seattle could do. Roethlisberger setting the ball just over the goal line during that tackle though? Suh-weet and made it incredible obvious there were gonna be some special kind of women around 10pm with their names all over it.

But I digress, like every body up there in Seattle mourned the shut down and defeat of the bowl, I perplexed a way to get over my fear (and my thirty year old breasts), and just fucking do it.

I lost. I follow through. I'm like that.

FIRST though, I had to fly to the Pitts to figure out what the fuck really happened last Sunday before I could justify a fair deal on this bet. I mean, if the game was swayed... there's no way to convince my boys (breasts) that they would be public.

So I hopped my boss's jet and plummeted into all that was the Burgh.

Once arriving I met with Art Rooney, who looked like he'd break into pieces if I sat on his lap for the ol' let me dial your phone for you routine...

Well, that and has any body noticed, he looks like Jon big boote from Buckaroo Bonzai?!!??!

We talked, I offered him geritol and pepto... it was cool like that. We were off to the stadium where the Steelers gang were still doing interviews and cleaning up their shit for the season. Rothlisberger was out on the field running in circles... I figured I'd better start there.

So, in major fashion I slipped out of my business skirt, chucked my glasses, and sported my crop top and sweats to join him.

I did. we ran. he got dizzy. We stood for awhile and talked.

I always wanted to know why the Steelers were called the Steelers, I mean.. ummm. Well, actually I know why but playing ditzy around football players is great fun. Soo.. the conversation went a little something like this:

ME: You feeling better now?

ROETH: Yes thanks, I appreciate the pillow too.

ME: No problem, but don't sweat on my breasts... and what's with the beard?

ROETH: Oh, it's good luck

ME: No, it's hideous.. shave it.

ROETH: So, why are you here anyway?

ME: Oh, well you see I bet if I lost the bowl I would give a full frontal HNT for my friend Romeo and well, Im kinda disturbed that the Hawks didn't win? Got anything on that? I mean, you have to admit that you didnt really make that touch down.

ROETH: Yeah, well...

*Flash a bit of tits and swipe on the forehead, it's like truth serum*

ROETH: I, I, I ... jesus fine fine... Actually that Jensen guy called me and told me I had to come through, and then he sent me your blog link and I, I... well, we had to bribe the refs.

ME: That's what I thought! So you just want my tits then too, eh?

ROETH: Yeah, sorry Emma... We had to take one for the team and do it to win it.

So I get up, and help him up.. and go to leave:

ME: K buddy, I don't know if I can do the full frontal since you cheated... but, I'll see what I can do. And well, as far as Romeo calling you, I'll deal with him in my own way.

As I was leaving Roethlisberger prayed silently to the gods that I would fulfill my full frontal agenda, and that Romeo wouldn't get in too much trouble.
And that HE wouldn't get an ass whoopin' for narc-ing Romey and the refs out too.

I blew him a kiss or two on the way out... and then ran into Bettis.

BETTIS: Hey pretty lady.

ME: Hey you big sexual chocolate mother fucker, what's up?

BETTIS: Just about to catch some lunch, want to join me? I could use some arm candy.

ME: Shit Bettis, to you I'd be a bracelet. And you eat women like me whole, for snack, jesus what do you weigh now?

BETTIS: *laughing* I'm thinking that was a no, but you'd make a pretty bracelet. Are you sure you won't reconsider?

ME: Absolutely, it would be too easy for you to hide my body. Thanks any way. Can you point me towards the exit?

Again, ditzy... I know where the exit is. He did after the boob glance and the smirk... and I was off to fly back home. Until I ran into Reed and Polamalu. Of course they hit on me, but I kept a strong defense by questioning why one of Reed's legs are bigger than the other, and why Polamalu insists on still believing 'hair is power'... shhesh.

So here I sit, wondering if I really, really should just throw my boys out there to the world for and be the good loser I am. And I think NO...

But then I think of Romey's puppy dog face and his jibes aboout me not following through, I cringe like well.. jesus. I just can't justify going through with a bet on a crooked game!!! Especially when Romeo was behind it all along!!! And why did he want to see MY tits in particular? They're nothing compared to those hotties he dates.

But then I realize that a bet, is a bet. And I lose well. Always have.... So.. I decided I would just... well do... the thing... I ... promised?

WITH CONTIGENCIES!!! Yea, yea. I know those Steelers like looking at themselves just as much as they like looking at my tits... so I did a double whammy for em.. and you Romey. You pittsburgh fuck ;) God damn Johansen men and their connections.

I should kick his ass right now.


Okay Romeo, and every body else who didn't think the Em-meister was Everything Nice when it came to losing.. Here's my end of the bargain. Full frontal on the crooked side since really and admittantly, Seattle got the shaft.

I will miss the football season, because really I love the game. Well, and the way they pat each others asses all the time... HOT!

*sniff* good-bye 2005-06 football season... I *sniff* will miss you.

And holy shit Roethlisberger... SHAVE.

Happy HNT Everyone, hope you enjoyed!


If you want to learn more about HNT, click on the rolling box and talk to my big sweet HNT daddy, Osbasso!

Hump day...so, whatever

I'm tired... needy... and downright horny. Didn't help to do this little task today since it pretty much geared my perverted psyche ten-fold.

But whatever, it's Wednesday... Err, right?
*checking calendar*

Here's a little something-something you should know about me. ENJOY!!!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Everything Nice!

1. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into Everything Nice.
2. The condom - originally made from Everything Nice - was invented in the early 1500s.
3. The average duration of sexual intercourse for Everything Nice is two minutes!
4. During severe windstorms, Everything Nice may sway several feet to either side.
5. Edinburgh imports three thousand kilograms of Everything Nice every year!
6. The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as Everything Nice!
7. If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill Everything Nice.
8. Everything Nice can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.
9. Everything Nice is picked, sorted and packed entirely in the field.
10. If you break Everything Nice, you will get seven years of bad luck!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

AND THEN I SAID:

1. This is actually true, fortunately for me the smell doesn't stay.

2. That's RIGHT BABY!!! I'm all about the prophylactics... I've been wrapping around hard cock since the dawn of time... which makes me a fucking pro... well, literally "fucking.pro"... umm.. not prostitute. Although there's been some discussion over whether I should be charging for anal sex.

3. K, HOLD UP!!! That's so not true unless I'm masturbating in my closet on a tight time constraint (which... has happened). On the flip side though; It's totally not my fault you people can't hold your load back for more than two minutes when in my presence? Now is it?

4. This is because I weigh a buck'o five soaking wet. I always hold on to some thing in a wind storm so I don't blow away to Tennessee...

5. Bitches, you should KNOW this. Want some?

6. Amazing. Truly. I have to say that wow... that's impressive. I too could fit a couple of astronauts in here and there.... Non-gravitational DP!! AWESOME!

7. He he heee. Milky...Salt.... Fill... Me.... Very hot.

8. So, if any of you should cut off my head you better run fast because well, I'm catchin' up to you mother fucker and bleeding all over your shit. God damn starched collars do it to me every fucking time!

9. Ever been packed in a field? It rocks, especially at night with the lightning bugs around and a huge starry sky to pillow talk about after....

10. Right. So be nice to me... kharma's a beeooottcchhh.

One's sick, the others tired.. what to do? TMI!!!

K… So my husbands sick. No really sick.

Like I got home and wtf is wrong with my husband sick.
So, I bet a lot of you are saying “well shit, what are you doing blogging then?”

Christ I can’t just drag a man into the hospital unless he’s ready to go… especially my husband. You know that little qwerk that every man has that makes him endearing yet annoying? THIS is my husbands... I swear his appendix could hop out and do a freaking break dance on my duvet cover and he wouldn't budge until he bled out.

The hospital? Nope, wont go near it (smart guy), but sometimes its essential and I'm overthinking that maybe this should be the time.... He knows that I’ll take him when he’s ready, and only when he's ready... but damn. I’m like worried and shit because he never gets sick.
I’ve been with the guy for eight years and I don’t believe he’s ever gotten anything but a cold.

He’s like… sick.

This situation is sooo ass backwards because the usual would be for him to drag me into the emergency room for a last minute shot of saline and steroids, all the while me dazed and confused… mostly incoherent and rambling on about why my blood pressure seems fine when really it’s like 35/72.

Now I’m like, not having any clue what the hell to do. Taking care of my children (which is a no-brainer) when they're sick is easy... Because yes Ive been through years of childhoodius vomitus.... some like the wet wash cloth, others like the back rub... some like to be held or soothed during...

But how do I take care of this guy? I’ve had no fucking practice with him!!!

Do I insist? Do I wait? I mean, he actually warranted I may be taking him… but… Should I mother him and tell him he has to go?
Or do I just let him lie in there ‘like a man’ and hope nothing bad happens? Jesus.

Poor husband... poor poor husband.

Hooray for the partners of the guys who never get ill. Hooray. Fuck.

Not that I think the situation is that bad, but shit he’s seriously immobile and not responding to much stimuli. I’ve had to pretty much accommodate the full brunt of the household tonight, coming off of a semi-shitty day at work. In the door, dinner, bathtime, boys don’t wrestle in the house, HEY stop letting that dog lick your teeth, please please keep your pants on at the dinner table, are you STILL in the bathroom? Seriously? Jesus, can we just have like, twenty minutes in there!?!?! No, you can't use the other bathroom.. your dads in there throwing up!!!

Eventually...Bathtime. Stories. Bed for kids. Husband.

All by myself.
And that’s not like anything new, it’s happened before… but I just cant deny that it was a very somber evening… and it was the fact that he wasn’t there at the dinner table, but instead in the bedroom double over and wincing. "No, no it doesn't hurt that much... I'm good, I'm good...."
Something weird about the vacancy at the table during dinner and such tonight that was a spark for overthinking on my part….

So, as I sit, washing three year old ass and playing ‘fire boats’ in the bathtub (which is usually my husbands ‘task’), I had to ask myself THAT question.

What would happen if I did not have my husband anymore?
That would suck.
Frankly I’d fucking fall apart in every way. I can safely say that losing him would cause a major fucking upheaval and I for one would ---well, there are no words to express that kind of feeling or reaction---

It would suck. I would miss him. Things would never be the same.

*blank stare*
*shaking off the thought*

umm. errr.

FUCK. That carpet steamers getting the ol' monies worth tonight I tell ya! And we thought it'd only be good for spills and thrills... sheesh. Poor thing...

Happy TMI Tuesday, I'm gonna go get the Proscuitto and Basil Pizza off the carpets!
and the walls, and the dresser... and, umm.. my jacket... oh, and my shoes.. and... wow, how in the hell did you get it there?

YAY!!!

For your viewing entertainment, a picture of Mr. Naughty in his not-soo-sick days. I love this picture of him because he still looks just as good shooting one off...

At stalkers and small rodents... hell big mammal rodents too. Yes people, he's gotten a little larger over the years, and so have his guns.
Want my address?!?!?

Thanks Mr. Naughty for sponsoring TMI Tuesday, and I hope you feel better.

Oh, and brush your teeth before you kiss me, k? :D
Love you.

Easy like Sunday Morning

Happy Superbowl Sunday!!!
I'm doing the lingerie bowl next year... stay tuned for that.

For those of you into football I should hope that you've prepared yourself for the big game today. Yours truly will be sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and having some seven layer dip. I know the half-time won't be as notorious as it was a couple years ago what with that Janet debacle (dammit)... But still, I have to remind myself that it's not about nipple... It's about the underdogs going all the way this year. Yeah, I'm rooting for the Hawks.

I will have my TiVo rockin the play back and pause feature for times just in case I miss a play or.. err... Somebody shows nipple. Which, if it's Mick Jaeger... Im totally not playing back or pausing like I did for Janet.

I'm fairly pissy as to why nobody would place a bet with me on this game. I've decided it's because no matter the spread and/or stakes agreed to... I've won every time... Lucky me.

No lucky me, because now I want to bet and I can't.... Pussies.

Does the term pump fake turn anybody else on? No? ergh.

So I took some time off from blogging (as you could tell), and it gave me a chance to catch up on my writing, my work, and my family. I seem to have had some issues in all arenas, but only squabbled small amounts of time in which to orchestrate a more peaceful and organized flow to my day. With blogging it just wasn't working too well you know, and *sigh* I still have lots to do about a lot of things. Only now I will be able to multi-task a little more efficiently.

So let's talk about sparks. And I wonder if he's reading this now that I gave up a backlink and he's surfing through archives maybe? Uh-huh, Hi Sparky...


I spent a couple nights out with and without hub to determine whether I was getting all soft and wishy-washy about that person. My husband thinks its a great relationship to covet... I agree... But still there will be weirdness there until I get that person a little closer to me and we get with the program. Ahem.

I do think I could be a bit smitten though, considering now this person has their own ringtone on my phone. Which, people, if you're IN my phone and you have your own ringtone.... Consider yourself VIP'd because that means Im not missing your call for anything.

We have this really fucking cool ringtone program called Audacity... It allows you to DJ your own customized ringtone from any song in your collection/playlist without having to buy them through your prospective cell phone clients.

I picked the perfect song for ya honey. Because you've got me spending.

As an end to this post, and a pre-empt into things to come I have to say that the last 5 days I've done some pretty insane shit to 'let go of my stress'. I want to share all these things with you of course, so I will be sure to post them as I can. Here's some things/answers to emails and or comments and concerns that I've been asked...

1. SugNSpice is still here :) She's been just as slamming busy as me. Not to say we didn't spend some quality time together *smirk*

2. I have permission from Red to tell all of you why she has not been in the spotlight lately. Red has been struggling with an addiction, and just recently graduated her second to last step. I have plans on seeing her when she returns next week. When I do, you all will of course get the run down. She says Hi and sends much love to you... And you too Jess.

3. I got a book deal people. No, I really did. They want the Don't Ask; Don't Tell story. What a shocker, eh? So funny that... Because now it has to be expanded and manipulated to accommodate a large novel instead of the smaller (more dainty) novella version. If it hits best seller, I want you all to come to the book signing....

4. I was warned by a couple of people about the danger of cheating on my husband after my last blog post. Then I realized that there are a lot of people that didn't know my husband and I have an open relationship... I will touch a bit on that in the near future. Let's remember that my husband and I don't keep secrets, we aren't deceptive... We don't sneak.
I have slept with other people, so has he... And the norm is that we're both sleeping with the same person at the same time (LOL). So, let's expound on this at a later date for the new readers of this blog... Shall we?

5. John is having a Valentines Day party. Hub and I are wondering if we should go.... It's a lingerie party, so I think I'll be wearing this... And your thoughts are?

So, I'm gonna go get some before my kids wake up... I call it my Sunday morning prayer session "oh God, oh God yes.. oh Jesus that's it right there... oh God..."