Like to look? Happy HNT

I used to get nervous about my facial expressions and the way my body moved when I came. Ever do that?

Ever wonder what you look like when you're having an orgasm?
Or while just having sex in general?

I don't.
And now you don't have to either.




If you want to learn more about HNT, click on the rolling box and talk to my big sweet HNT daddy, Osbasso!

Thanks you guys. A lot.

First I want to thank and hug every one of you for your wonderful comments. I read them all many times and they made me feel awesome. I have had some really bizarre family issues to attend to tonight, so in lieu of an original post I was hoping I could 'air' the original article that initiated my neat phone call I referred to yesterday.

I took out pieces in hopes to keep it somewhat anonymous via location and whatnot, so if it dips into stupidity it's because it lacks landmarks. Heh. Anyway, it appears quite long on the blog page, but not so large in print.... Go figure. Here you go :)

Taking a Swing at Misunderstood Life styles; Volume 3. Swinging.

Ever sit on the bus during five o'clock rush hour traffic and observe the people sitting with you? You know, people watch?
Scan through the crowd, pick a person, and think you can see their whole life and the person they are simply by observing them for the 30 minute ride?

I, myself, am guilty of such an indignifying and judgmental crime, I admit. Honestly, there's nothing else to do on the bus if you don't have good reading material.

I can snap a personality and home life together in five minutes if I go by the dazzling exterior of my fellow transit goers, just like the rest of you can. But I (unlike a lot of you) know I'm wrong in my home life assumption of said "Normal Joe"... Because a lot of times normalcy dictates perversion. That's right folks, they're among you, and they're hot for sex right now. Throw your spouse or yourself in their direction, see if they bite, I'll bet they do.

That Betty Crocker cookie baker at the church gallahoot wears a gag ball, did you know that? The woman standing next to her hosts the local munch chapter on Wednesdays at "The Hub."

Your trusty divorce lawyer plays the skin flute at the "Velvet Hydrant" Monday through Friday when he's not masturbating to boy porn. Bet you didn't know that either. That $1,000 retainer you paid him went towards his basement rebuild with a spin o' love and a man sized Symbian.

That dirty hippy biker down the street however, with the tattoo of the devil on his shoulder? He goes to service every Sunday with his wife and kids, been married for 25 years and intends to stay that way... Was an A student in school even, though a little quiet.

I suppose what I was reaching for by stating those shining examples was that the term "Don't judge a book by it's cover" when delving in matters of thinking you know somebody, or even an acquaintance on the bus. Is a great way to live. Especially in the sexual sense.

A lot of us do it, and shame on us because we choose to be ignorant and live with our cookie cutter stigmas. Shame shame, I know your name America!

Some of the most interesting, genuine, unexpected skins hold the most amazing realities that twist your mind a bit, but bring inspiration or acceptance and teach you a feeling you never thought you could feel. Sometimes even about yourself.

With that allusion set in stone I hereby declare that this educational corner stone is about Swingers; and I'm not talking about the ones at the play ground (unless you're into that; in which case I suggest taking it out of the park until midnight).

Swingers. swing·er

a. n. One that swings: a good swinger of baseball bats

Slang.
a. A person who actively seeks excitement and moves with the latest trends.
b. A person who engages freely in promiscuous sex.
c. A member of a couple, especially a married couple, who exchanges sexual partners.

Well sure I can swing a baseball bat like a champ, but I also am a small tidbit of the slang definition before you. My husband and I exchange sexual partners, we've even engaged in promiscuous sex by goodness, and I'm not ashamed in the least bit.

The proper term would be misunderstood, never ashamed. For now I'll be the voice for the #1 lifestyle swept under the carpet for shame, but thriving and frothing as we speak - Swingers. So let's get to know about my lifestyle, and your neighbors. .. Shall we?

I will begin by explaining the simplicities of Swingerdom, then I'll open the circuits so as you can feel free to counter or add as you like via letter to my editor, since I don't have the ample time to enjoy each and every one of your opinions, nor do I care consequently. Unless you're a swinging couple open to dinner with us, then please write in and include a picture.

Two ways to swing swinging
You can either A) Find a couple and get comfy. Share, share, share alike at your own free will over or after dinner (or never getting to dinner). Or you can B) Have an 'open' relationship and pretend you're not married, or rather sleep with your co-workers and kiss your wife, catching a hint of her nooner on your lips at the part.

My husband and I opt for A.
It's safer, it's trustworthy, and I revel in watching my husband take pleasure in another woman sometimes (especially when I am pleasuring her as well). We do the group thing, and we remain a group. It's a tight bond that grips a little bit of friendship and a tad of emotion when you can be close knit with another couple. You know where they've been, they know where you've been. No guessing, no regret, no feeling of awkwardnesss. Pure fun.

Option B I find gets messy.
There's no telling what one person or another is thinking, and really why play the head games with your beloved? If you're open and accepting to other sexual relationships then why be away from each other? Doesn't make sense... It wastes lip energy sharing my side line adventures. I'm not going to give somebody a play-by-play of the orgasmic touchdown if I can let him watch!

All Swingers swing differently, my example is only one of a large group in this nation that swap. I'm sure if you ask your daughters pre-school teacher she would happily tell you about how her and her husband do it.

Or your CPA.

I forgot it was sacred, my fault!
I am always asked how I can possess the ability to down play a sacred moment that should be cherished. It makes me weep for those disillusioned masses that contend sex is sacred. You can't tell me that the 10 minutes before bed you can 'fit in' before curfew is sacred. I guffaw at you if so.

Since we're here though, can we discuss this a bit further? Who said sex is sacred? What kind of horse pucky is that?!?!
Too small a percentage of virginal brides dictate that this is just not so. I can bank a cool million by betting that right now a good strong Christian follower is reading this and seething. Don't even get me started on the Catholics, they know better than to speak up seeing as they know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sex is not sacred. You don't make love, you satisfy a carnal urge to procreate. Seed is seed in my opinion, and who cares if you spill it for crying out loud, your seminal fluid will replenish in due time! Face facts please; you're just plain horny and who cares if you're special. You can be special for the moment. It's in the movies, radio, and television if you don't agree. It's in the news even, channel four at Eleven.

Frankinsence, Myrrh, and "Do you wanna?"
Don't get me wrong though, I believe in committing my life to somebody and having a partner to endure and share experiences, duh. Isn't that the ultimate of enduring and sharing? Why in the hell do we put ourselves in a position to perceive 'enduring' in only the negative conontation? Can you not endure a fantastic experience as well? I believe you can, and it's swinging for us married folks. And you can too, following and understanding three simple steps.

You have to understand the capabilities and the head of your partner, first and foremost. I know we agree to this life style choice, nobody had to twist arms or plead. He expresses his opinions and rules, I share mine. They are agreed to and followed like a stone mandate. Furthermore, I wouldn't expect my husband to put me in a position of discomfort or harm, I wouldn't do the same for him. You have to know that all is right with your spouse, and guilt or jealousy will have to hit File 13 because there's simply no need for it.

I also know that sex does not represent and/or dictate love. Sex is... Sex. It's once emotion is involved that the ladder climbs a notch in perspective.
You cannot Swing and love, you can swing and care; or like a good friend of mine said "If he has your wife its all good, its the moment you care that he goes home with her that it becomes an issue." But then he followed with "If she's hot in the sack that could be a first night thing..."

As I write this I realize that a local CEO does option B.

The huge line between sharing a couple and having an affair is to unmask any doubt or secrecy, another good reason for Option A. Basically the couples share everything, even after hours experiences so nothing is hidden or elusive... Nothing. I tell my husband everything, and it makes for great conversation when the four of us are together.

When secrets and distrust come into play you are no longer SHARING. You are being selfish and there's an emotional tie somewhere in the sexual structure. That's affair territory, and things begin to get messy and fairly strenuous.

We've come full circle to emotion, and teetering on affair explanation. I'll end here and pick up with letters and yourcorrespondencee. I welcome opinions as always, blah blah blah.
Now go grab an ass and tell Chester wearing a trenchcoat on the local bus this afternoon I said "Hi", because you know he's wearing a girdle and a thong under it. And nothing else.

For questions, comments, or your crappy two cents simply write to *insert name and webemail here*.

I will happily post some of the letters I received, as well I would love to answer any questions or comments relating to this article here. Feel free, I'll be listening.

Shovel hampered

Two weeks ago I got hammered by a god fearing woman who disagreed with one of my articles. Normally I can extinguish the conversation with a certain amount of finesse, but she was relentless and beat me to a pulp morally, which dictated I remind her who she is, and who I am and the differences between people and lifestyles and how ye shall not be judged, lest ye be judged yourself.

She called me a whore,
I called her a mindless lemming following a righteous path of tithe.
She told me I would go to hell,
I told her I'd eat the Devil's ass and set my Outlook timer for said date of departure.

Furthermore lately I have been called many things, amongst them "whore" numberously. For this I feel the need to not necessarily defend myself, but lay waste and expect your opinion on exactly what you taste when you slice off a bite of my life.

I pause to say that sure - I live sex, I write sex, I am everything that personifies somebody that needs sex like nutrition, but... Whore? Really? You sure?

There seems to need to be a bit of reiteration in the Meltdown. Time to spit some truth, hope some of you don't fall out of your chairs.

First of all, no matter how many things weren't on my list from last week I can count the number of sexual partners I have had on my fingers and toes.... So I know that's twenty. I believe the correct number is 19.

Second of all, my husband and I are swingers sure, but we swing with one couple, two couples tops. I have never had sex with multiple partners and/or involved myself in a large group situation in which I played pivot girl (ever).

Third of all, I may frequent orgies and swinger parties but you need to understand that my lifestyle and my need to fufill my own deem of happiness comes in the fact that more so than anything this is my life after hours, this is who I am. That doesn't mean I'll grab a partner and hit a dark corner no no no.

If anything I do agree with my own mind that I, in fact, am selective. And am most likely to say no unless I trust in you and respect you as much as you respect me. Sometimes this foresight has been off, but ultimately I've tried to be as good as possible to those I covet in my sexual circle.

I am overly sexually educated and very often asked and/or needed to represent my prospective papers and groups via education and information. That means that not only am I a well, errr well known literotica author, but I also spit self-help, product reviews, porn review, and editorial for many many different publications.

Okay so once I have a dick in my hand I know what to do with it... This makes me a whore? Really?

Well I guess by some standards it does, but to my standards it says only that I know what I'm talking about and that I live in a strange world that not many understand. And I admit right now I have nobody to hold my hand on that in this strange blogger world....

Nobody to have my back, nobody to think other considering this is, in fact, a sexual type blog and I am a sexual person.

I guess...
I guess nothing, the drink is guessing for me.

On a completely different note, lets reflect on what's really important, and that's memorial day. While sitting in the movie theatre with my kids this weekend I overheard some jack-ass tell his girlfriend that memorial day was "to honor dead people or some shit like that."
I was ready to knock asshole's block off. Seriously people, if you don't know what Memorial Day is and what it is meant for please do some fucking research!!!

The kids and I went to my cemetary on Monday to honor those that have fallen in pursuit of freedom, or in this presidential term, stupidity. We placed flowers on the graves of the unknown soldiers and paid our respects.

I then spent some quiet time at the graveside of my grandfather and walked the cemetary peacefully, reliving the memories of his funeral, my childhood, and the feel of his very large hand in mine during picnics... patty cake on the patio... sunday morning cartoons and the Groovy Goulies while Gramps would argue that it was all garbage.

I realize I miss my Grandfather more now than ever.

THEN, I went to check out my $11,000 investment... My family grave plot I purchased back in February after it was decided I had until August (at most) to prepare for my demise.

Aint it purdy? Gated and all.
So glad to see they're keeping up the plot until my final rest of peace.

WHAT!?!?! I'm fucking proud of it!! I mean, I paid about as much as I would for a car for the bitch... I can take a picture and show it off if I want to!!
Besides, now if anyone wishes to visit, here's where you'll find me....

errr, right? Right, I'll go with that attitude for now.

So yeah, hell I guess you could say this was a day for remembering and anticipation for what's to come. I mean, I'm ready...

I got my will.
My preparations.
My grave.



Now all I need is this whore to die.

Happy Tuesday.

It's all in the cards

This is a card playing post... you don't like cards, you won't like this...

See if you can digest it though, there's entertainment in there somewhere!!!


So last night was 'King Me' night at one of my many fetish friends' house. She is an infamous Madame in the area and a good pal of mine that I studied under back in the day when I was still learning how to master the ebbs and flows of truly mind-bending S&M.

'King me night' is sorta like a poker night, but more like "what did you want to play next"? Basically a group of people (around 20 or so) that want nothing more to do than play cards, win money, and get drunk.

BYOB and Anything goes for this trip, I settled for wearing my jeans and my white t-shirt instead of 'dolling up' in hopes of getting some action.

For some reason I was more content on winning money than I was for sex.... Somethings just not right with that. I'll be sure to check in with my psychologist for that on Tuesday.

Anyway, the first game on is Black Jack, and I score against the dealer three times in a row... Gaining a $78 lead and feeling like the Hat Trick moment didn't last long enough to secure me an ample win the next hand when I lifted to a 19.
I stay, she calls bust... I gained $5... dammit, coulda won that big too.

Two hours later I was well into my Redbull and Vodka, little peppy little stupid, little tipsy but doing good... It was time for Poker.

Poker and I don't get along too well, even when it's 5 card 'let it ride' and it would seem that seeing five cards in the same suit would be a flush. Sure...

You would think I could have paid more attention considering the $250 I just bank rolled to the table. But nope, that fifth spade looked more like a club and well...

when i threw in, and Trix chuckled... I knew I was an idiot and watched my $250 go bye-bye to Shawn who was doing pretty well for himself considering his pain killer binge after the terrible Thursday Night whoopsie.
Remind me to tell you about that fucked up debauckle sometime.

Anyway, he took it with three of a kind and made some dumb ass comment about my card playing skills in which I quickly kicked his fractured leg on accident and scurried to the kitchen for some 151 happiness.

Anybody else see something wrong with the "flammable" warning on the back of that bottle?
Yeah, me neither.

And the fact it has a "flame control stopper" on the top means nothing to me besides the fact that I can absolutely convince myself that indeed perhaps that cigarette after a large swig might NOT be the best idea....

Anybody see the movie "Better Off Dead"? Anybody? But I digress....

Frankly, I was excessively intoxicated by this point and striving to get back my 300+ dollars lost during poker. And subsequently some how a pair of my panties came into play too... Still unsure how my panties get lost during card play (shit happens all the time).

BUT I proceed to talk shit to Shawn, and he to I, and pretty soon I'm owning up to the fact I can bank my $300 back and then some... Shawn, being a cocky fucker declares that "there is NO game I could possibly snuff him at."


MM breaks out the cribbage board and lays it on the table. I look to Shawn for direction through glazed eyes... and the game was ON.

Trix smiles from the corner and rests on the couch next to her girlfriend, intent to watch me kick some cribbage ass. I know Shawn knows crib well... So this could go either way.


****
First game, I fell short of the goal after betting $50 which after passing the skunk line quickly doubled to $100 and I was now at a loss of $400.

My drunk ass blurted two outta three.

****
Second game, and two more drinks in... I'm having trouble adding, but the run of three combined with the 5 and the crib is mine at 16 points (which put me ahead of him and closer to winning at least my $100 back).

My peg sits happily in the goal and my money is mine again. Game is even, back where we started... He smiles and challenges me to all or nothing best outta three.

****

Problem being, by now everyone has pretty much succumb to the fact that there is a challenge at hand, and between the ambiance of the music playing, the pizza baking (at 2am), and the trash talk from the 14 or so observers perched around the table watching... I felt like I could take the fucker.

"K, game on... all or nothing... bank your $250 and I'll toss in my remaining $150. It gives us room to double after the skunk line."

****

Third game is on, and it's close...
Our pegs remain constantly neck in neck and I'm seeing triples trying dilligently to snarf down my pizza in pursuit of a big win (or not puking, whichever comes first).

Points during hands rock, and Shawn keeps forgetting his doubles (and that 9 and 6 is 15). I love it... Shit is looking good.
He throws a ten,
I throw a ten for twenty,
He's a go I throw another ten for a triple and take my four points...

7 hands played and we pass the skunk line, throw in the rest of our monies and look down at the bank, pressures on and pizza is pretty much everywhere.... Messy drunk eaters? Yep.

Pot is at $800. of real money.
Most I would have ever won playing any game ever...

Seriously its amazing and I'm worried about losing my savings at this point. Potentially if all is played right, this could be the last hand dealt, and god DAMMIT the crib is his so there is definitely good odds that I'm losing this.

He deals, I fan my cards to determine which I sacrifice to his crib, trying to keep my eyes from bulging at my sweet hand and kill a pair of 6's to him.

The game goes well with points played, we're neck and neck, I need 20 to win... Shit can I pull 20 out of this game and end this now? Hmmmm.
Counting begins.. I hit 15 (that's two points for me)...
Two more for a 31 and things are looking good (16),
one point for last card played (15). Hrmph.

Time to count hands, Shawn looks content.
But I'm feeing good as I lay down my cards. If I can't pull at least 15 out he'll win for certain (only needing 7), I mean he can pull that easily out of the crib if not his hand!!! This is my chance....

Luckily, I have three ladies and a 5 with a jack on the deal.

Everybody's quiet and time stops for the moment... Death cab for Cutie grooves in the background.

15 - 2
15 - 4
15 - 6
15 - 8

Three Ladies for 6
Knobs for 2

I win. Shawn chokes on his pepperoni... I smirk, grab my $800 and fall out of my chair... Yes, literally.

Of course you know I fronted $300 back to Shawn which left me with my original wallet of $500 and I decided to find a spot on the couch to sober and shine until I could drive my happy ass back home.

Today I think is a good day to chuck my wins into a trip to Home Depot. As soon as I tackle the hang-over and the 'somebody shit in my mouth' issue.

I'm fairly certain nobody shit in my mouth, but i DO remember the tittie fucking some time around 4am...

Can i have my panties back though? I really liked that pair.

Quick look!!! It's the list!!

Kristen said I had to do this list. She's a beautiful hard ass Kentucky girl so I figured she could pretty much dictate whatever she wanted to me as long as mud wrestling is involved. And in light of the last few evenings of beligerant drinking I'm failing to find any inspiration for this blog.

I'm hoping to find it this weekend :)

Memorial day is a day to remember those we've lost fighting for the freedoms of our country. Annually I take my children to a local military cemetary to place flowers on the graves of the unknown soldiers. It opens their eyes to the realities of war and freedom, it also reminds them that many have sacrificed for their blessings.

I invite GW and Rumsfeld to join us (asshats), we can talk about that whole "weapons of mass destruction bullshit" over Starbucks and then I'll take them down to the fetish room and spank their asses.

After that Cheney and I will play "shoot the clay pigeons".

Anyway... My list. The BOLD PURPLE ones are the one's that are true...

I've Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I've Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex.
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Same Sex.
I've Never Had A Three-Some.
I've Never Been In Love.
I've Never Had Sex In A Public Place.
I've Never Had Group Intercourse.
I've Never Been Spanked.
I've Never Been Tied Up.
I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone.
I've Never Made Out With A Stranger.
I've Never Gone On A Blind Date.
I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor.
I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker.
I've Never Had Sex At The Office.
I've Never Been Married.
I've Never Been Divorced.
I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week.
I've Never Posed Nude.
I've Never Watched Porn.
I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them.
I've Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner.
I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While They Were Throwing A Party.
I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room.
I've Never Flashed Anyone.
I've Never Met Anyone From Online.
I've Never Cheated On My Significant Other.
I've Never Masturbated.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Myself.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Someone Else.
I've Never Danced On A Table Or Bar.
I've Never Strip-Teased For Anyone.
I've Never Received A Rim Job.
I've Never Given A Rim Job.
I've Never Received A Hand Job.
I've Never Given A Hand Job.
I've Never Had Sex In A Hammock.
I've Never Performed Oral Sex.
I've Never Received Oral Sex.
I've Never Had Anal Sex.
I've Never Had Sex involving a strapon.
I've Never Given/Received A Golden Shower.
I've Never Had Sex With Someone While Fantasizing About Having Sex With Someone Else.
I've Never Had A Sex Dream.
I've Never Had An Orgasm By Myself.
I've Never Had An Orgasm With/By Someone Else.
I've Never Had Phone Sex.
I've Never Had Cyber Sex.
I've Never Role-Played.
I've Never Played Strip Poker.

Uhhhh... Yeah soooo... heh. Golden shower any body?!?!!? Jesus. Have a great weekend all :) I'll be around.

Misnomer

Oral Roberts secret survey

Oral sex, and is it fixation related.
The topic of the speech I will now rant about, and perhaps throw in a BAM of neat education for you... k, prolly not.

you never really know around here :)

Last time I heard his speech in the "practice rounds", the part about how we learned to give head was what threw me off. I swore I'd punch the guy for that. 30 minutes of my life wasted on memorable blow jobs. It was almost like bad porn, and yet... strangely exciting. Overall and mostly I was distracted on thinking back to HOW i learned my oral skill. Hmmm. Okay, you try it.. do you remember? Okay I do, but I sucked. literally. He didn't mind... anyway.

I mean, hear me out on this... I (speaking for only myself) never learned how to give a blow job from a friend, family member *GAG*, or any reference manual.

At 6 yrs old I did not intentionally eat my melty Push-Up popsicle all slutty to get the boys in a fluster.

At 16 years old I did not sit in the cafeteria in high school and orally molest my banana to the football team.

At 18 years old I did not say "Hey, do you suck dick like this? Or like that?" to my girlfriends when we sat in the church parking lot for lunch.

We didn't simulate our sucking tactics at the bachlorette party, either of them. Okay dammit we did at the first one, but it wasn't to learn a damn thing. It was tequila.

I did not EVER ask a guy to show me how to fucking do it either. Jesus. I can see that catastrophe unfolding before my eyes.

I ate pussy before I ever sucked a dick, just want to make that clear.
And though the two are very different, if you know how to work your tongue first, you'll always be 'in.'

A similar analogy would be to learn to drive a stick before an automatic since the first one requires a higher level of difficulty. The second ones a breeze... Honestly, if you can make a girl cum, you can easily make a guy cum. FACT!

Men are slutty compared to women. It's a blessing.

Of course, I'm not saying that if you've never eaten a girl out you couldn't be a great pro at it. I will never preach to be the best blow jobber ever because every technique is either different, or it's card board. I'm just not cardboard.
Sure, I have gotten compliments... but DUH he's a guy that just came on my face... what is he gonna say?... Jesus that was shitty, gimme my $40 bucks back? Um no.

Where were we?

Oh yes, oral fixation as it relates to oral sex. Apparently we didn't make a big deal about oral sex and it's many benefits until Pre-Christian Ancient Rome, but then it was a big taboo thing and they wouldn't have dinner with you if you gave oral. Alright that was a joke...

Actually the Romans that practiced fellatio in those days were considered a health risk and often not asked into the homes of others; since it was believed that the genitals were dirty and thus putting your mouth on them would dictate bad breath, terrible oral hygiene, and overall unclean yucky funkiness. *shrug*

These days if you suck dick you get a free dinner, and a show!

The Greecians totally didn't mind though.

Let's jump to the here and now of it. Please, I'm having visions of naughty greecian girls... its fetching.. I just wanna shave them first.

So Mr. Oral begins to approach the items of how and why we give oral sex. Mr. Oral looked like he'd never given oral sex a day in his life... But, he knew what he was talking about that's for certain. I had to forgive him for his idiotness about the when did you learn to give a blow job thing... and give him mad props for the need to fulfill oral fixation issues.

He made a good point.

When you're in an intimate moment with your partner, do you want to taste their skin first and foremost?

When you are ready for the interaction, do you think to please your partner first? Or is it pleasing to you? Or both maybe?

Do you contemplate putting oral sex above all else, even over penetration? Is it a desire more so than sex?

My answers: A) Uh yep. check. B) Wow. hmm, k I like both for that one for sure C) Oh yes sometimes oral is better than sex in certain situations. I desire it sure yes. Jesus I am a cock holster....

And after cementing in my head the fact that smokers, gum chewers, and grazers are indeed far more inclined to be orally attached.... He presented the zones.

Like, the "delicate underside" thing. Tell me you know about the delicate underside?

Immediately my tongue went HELLO! MY NAME IS....
and I reminesced about running my tongue up a shaft like a champ.

Flicking, moving, sliding, sucking... just terrible awful thoughts that are extremely distracting for my concentration. To make matters worse, then I began salivating somewhat as he talked about the glans and tip pressure on the roof of the mouth.

My tongue itched. My clit twitched. My finger jerked and I have no clue why the finger jerked.... and as I tried to readjust myself in my chair and insist myself refocus, I non-chalantly rubbed the slight drool from my lips with my fingers.

Mr. Oral stops his presentation, looks around the audience and says. "I notice a lot of you out there needing a napkin to wipe the drool away. If you're experiencing excessive salivation right now, you can rest assured you are in fact orally driven and fixated."

Wow. How fucking scientific and yet uncouth of Mr. Oral to take advantage of finding out which audience members dick diet. Smart man. Though, I was kinda embarrassed you guys. And at the same time it rocked that there were so many cock smokers in one room!!! I wanted a big group hug after that.

After that and again, I didn't get too into the rest of his speech... I was eye-balling the droolers.

Death to clippy

You paint your nails to perfection.
Flip the hair up into a sloppy bun.
Slip into the powder blue business suit (no i didn't wear the penis suit dammit!)
and you kick on the heels.
You look perfect!!!

You have a quickie.
.... and then you start all over again depending on the damage factor of all the primping you've done.

The Seminar this weekend went off without a hitch! Seriously it rocked.
Not only was it fruitious for the paper, but for my career a bit I think as I was able to network and get information from some really heavy hitters in the local medical and journalism industry. Not benefitting to the career job wise, but man I sucked up some much needed information and advances in health reproductively. AND I scored on reminding myself of some techniques and facts that had been forgotten through time.

As well I got a nifty fistful of contact phone numbers.... For what, I'm not sure. I think there was probably some elusiveness to the business card hand-outs, but my perversion was on the back burner. I was trying to be respectful and noble.

Stop laughing.

I couldn't believe the audience response I got from my speech though, I was partially amazed really. People laughed and nodded more than I would have assumed, in places I would have never thought they would have. I'm thinking it was the delivery...


Or maybe it was my power point presentation.

I mean, I did go a little overboard with the slides... Some were appropriate and some were not I admit. But I felt a contrast was good.

So with every artist rendering of a man's scrotum, or a cadaver shot, I'd add a humorous one...going even as far to actually photoshopping a nice big smile on a prostate :) with teeth even!!!


Overall though I practiced control and tried to stick to the facts, statistics, controlled innuendo's... However I'd find myself straying and have to kick my ass back into reality. HEY you try staring at diagrams of peni (peen.eye) for hours straight!! It's a little taxing!!!

I wrote and deleted repetitively until I just said "fuck this" and resorted to a bottle... and well, tried to ignore clippy as much as humanly possible. Little sarcastic fucker....

Yeah this whole preparation of some uptight speech really got my panties in a bundle. I mean, I tried not to be snide... but really...

there was more tongue in cheek than a lesbian orgy.


So go me. Until... The next presenter after me.


The Vagina Lady.

The Vagina Lady begins her little schpeel on vaginal pressure points. Wait, how in the HELL did I get Healthy Ejaculation while she got the fun job? No clue to this day, I think my editor said some snyde remark to the wrong person like "Oh yeah, Em's the pro on anything ejaculatory". And he's reading this right now laughing. fucker. Because you know that's sooooo not what you meant!

Uh-huh, and as a sidenote let me just say, I love it when I'm called a cock holster.

But I digress, the Vagina Lady begins her speech, complimenting the contrasts between internal and external pressure... and then she takes the sheet off the table next to her. Low and behold, it is a dummy. It is very anatomically correct... only, it has no legs... and... and... her vagina was about 10x anatomical size.

Of course I'm sitting in the front row, and I'm a little stunned because I swear the lips on that thing were a bit intimidating. Even more so the faux pubic hair and the absense of legs.
*blank terrified stare* I never saw this model at any of the prac

The Vagina Lady continues, as she points along the labia majora with a steady hand... demonstrating all of the external sensual pressure points. Okay, good god be done with this 'cause after this pussy is not going to look the same for me.

But then she does the thing. You know the thing where she opens it to navigate internal pressure points?!?!? Sure enough, the rubber lips spread WIDE THE FUCK OPEN and there is the clitoris at the top, the full vaginal canal, and a great big purple fucking cervix winking at me.

I try REAL hard to surpress the need to bolt.

umm. hi. Im going now. But wait, this is kinda hilarious.... As I'm looking around the audience I'm seeing others with either looks of terror, or smirking while perspirating from not trying to burst out in laughter. I felt at home all of the sudden, and giggled to myself.

Anyway, you thought the ASSPRACTICER 5000 was bad?!?!! I am kicking my own ass for not bringing my camera! But I didn't think I would need it honestly! I was able to snap a shitty pic on my camera phone.. but it just looked like a bad picture of a gaper, so I deleted it hoping to GOD somebody wouldn't pick up my phone and think it was mine!!! *sigh*

So yeah, I don't have a shot of that for ya... But I have this.

After 15 minutes of being face to face with a legless stump of vagina I had come to many conclusions:

A- You could fit a basketball in that opening, easily
B- Ever seen little shop of horrors? The part where Audrey II eats the dentist? Yeah.
C- That's a really big pussy.
D- I have learned nothing since she unveiled that dummy.

What did I take with me from this experience?
*ahem* So yeah, I got to hear Mr. Oral man's speech about the history of oral sex which may have peaked the creativity in my brain... but.... I think I've bored you enough for one night with the seminar rant...

Either that or clippy thinks he's being real fuckin' funny. Little bastard makes me drink. Seriously, does anybody else have the bi-polar clippy issue? Or is it just me?

Anyway, We'll touch on oral tomorrow

I've also had some questions and requests on G-spots which I'd like to get to this week, the party story, and uh, The letter Z. :)

Blargh!

Because posting this picture is so much easier than being comedic and witty on a Monday...

Sparkle

For those of you the really really wanted to see me doing my speech in the big cock suit...

Seriously, the costume rocks.... I tried it on, danced around McFee's in it for about 45 minutes frightening the 'scrapbook moms'. Yeah, it was good times... So I rented it.

BUT I HAVE A PLAN: I'll pass out Tootsie Roll suckers with Fizz centers... So once all the people in the audience bite into the middle their mouths start getting all sour and foamy.

o.m.g. what a fucking SWEET idea....

Alright dammit, I am sooooo fucking losing it.

Insanity can be fun, and I need to capture that in my mind. I'm appreciative that I've gotten the chance to represent my respective clutch of journalists in this way but - really, I know more about your Duclus defrens than you do boys. *sigh*

Okay, so the powerpoint is upon me, and yes I have looked for pictures all day. Unfortunately you all realize when doing ejaculation venues that associate with parts of the mens anatomy, some are only accessable from the back view...

Hence a lot of anal and rectal mention. Therefore, when looking up 'prostate' you get wonderful, glorious full glossy's of men bending over.

A lot of women don't know that your prostate is only accessable through your asshole guys... That's the FIRST thing you should discuss on a date. Kidding! or not.

If that's not bad enough (or good depending on specimen photo) you get the neat ones such as this lovely item that I think every one should have...

the ASS PRACTICER 5000!!!

I spit my fucking coke when I saw this beauty. I wonder if I could somehow rig something magnetic and a buzzer up in there and play Operation with it?

*lightbulb*

Would be great for parties and gatherings. And a mail box. A hide-a-key for the yard. Fill it with ice, would make a great place to put my beer.

jesus.

Happy Fun Fucking Friday.

"Hi My Name is": Spunk Apparently... HNT

BLOW-U
I had a meeting tonight to discuss the agenda and format of the seminar this weekend. We all got to sample our rough draft speeches for time and accuracy of content in front of each other. The man right before me in speaking order is an MD and has the job of discussing Oral Sex and is it fixation related?... Cool, sounds like a good speech... Why did he have to ruin my content concentration by asking the question How did you learn to give good oral sex?

I must've lingered on that question for about 20 minutes and came to the conclusion that nobody learns it dipwad, it's a learned PROCESS. I
t's not like we sit around at the sleep overs with banana's and lollipops giggling and swirling our tongues around the tips!!!

No, we save that for adulthood..
and anybody that knows about that slumber party has blackmailed me BTW

We can get more into this topic after I actually absorb the rest of his speech on Saturday.

ERECTION DOING THE HAPPY DANCE
I did okay, I need to adjust my timing and edit parts of my delivery. Should be good, I still haven't nailed that one liner, it's either too grotesque or it's offensive.... I just think like that apparently, who knew?

Anyway, same meeting and I'm talking to "The Vagina Lady" (don't ask!)... When she says "Emma dear that was a lovely piece but aren't you going to do a power point to go with it?"

Power point? I thought Of a man's prostate and a huge erection... What, holding hands and doing the happy dance? How exactly do you visually present a happy prostate? Photoshop a big ass smile on it while I'm explaining how caressing and applying pressure adds the release of pheremones and aids depression?!?!?

huh. So I say instead.. "Really, Powerpoint, great idea... Wish I had time to throw that together, would be great huh?"

To which every one agreed and then I felt a bit of pressure, glanced around the table... heard the pin drop...

"You all doing powerpoint though?"

"No most of us have models and hand-outs, two of us are powerpoints so we'll have the Lap top projector set up already for you." Mr. Asshat promotional financial asswad doing the headliner adds his two cents quite snottily. Appreciated fucktard, thanks for making me look like an asshole.

K, so you know what happened then. I am now the proud producer of a happy erection slide show... Somebody send me your dick and a smile, I'll put you in the fucking credits.

*deep breath* *whoooosssaaaahhhh*

I did get tips from the fellow presenters on angles though, in case I wanted to take my own home pictures to add "spunk". SPUNK!?!? Rrriiiiiggghhht, tell you what... if I'm taking home pictures, there WILL be spunk. Home pictures *snort* right, like I do that....

I'm still laughing to this moment about 'spunk' ... christ.

I think in lieu of the powerpoint presentation, I'll just rent this and wear it during my speech, going so far as to rig a pump unit to go off when I talk about climax. Just as a big fuck you to all the visual people out there.

This is a happy dick, happy dick looks like me, touch me and I'll spurt.*cue pump*

GRIZZLED
I got in a weird debate with a woman who had written a letter with intent to one of my articles this afternoon...about life style choices. I received the letter before I left for fishing and hadn't had time to contact her until today. Nobody told me she was extremely religious.

She happily reminded me that I'm going to hell.... I told her as long as I could eat the Devil's ass I would put it in my Outlook Calendar with an auto-alarm set for every 15 minutes.

That too is a piece of a whole nother post you'll see in the future. Was a great hour I spent watching myself age on that one. Sooo rant worthy.

POP THE BUBBLY
This is an awesome week. The Wedding Party celebrated their One Year Anniversary and today marks the one year anniversary of HNT!! What better way to celebrate this tremendous occasion then to post a Special Reserve picture.

No doubt this is the last one you'll see of this series as it's time to get back to the basics on my HNT's I think... There's really only so much of my tits and ass you can look at before it gets repugnant.

Enjoy and Very Happy Anniversary to MY SPECIALS!



If you want to learn more about HNT, click on the rolling box and talk to my big sweet HNT daddy, Osbasso! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY LUV

I AM: I WANT:

I was tagged last week right after my *outburst of laughter* hiatus announcement (ha, right hiatus *eyeroll to myself*) by the beautiful and spunky Madame X. I adore the fact that i have a tag since it requires little fore thought as to content and will allow me time to complete this assload of work at hand.


Hopefully once this seminar is over and things return to normal I can concentrate a little more on getting back in the 'swing' of things (pun intended!) Until then I hope to post some tags, the anniversary HNT, and possibly my birthday party story.

Here goes!

I AM: An enigma of layers that surface sometimes, but no two consecutively.

I SAID: There's no way I could possibly have an expose' on the foundations of g-spot recovery by noon Friday.

I WANT: A bottle of wine and good conversation.

I WISH: Some body else would write this speech.

I HATE: Feeling hatred. Assumptions. Grudges. And when my veggies 'bleed' into my mashed potatoes.

I MISS: You.
I FEAR: You.

I HEAR: Porn, because I'm watching it for review purposes.

I WONDER: Why I feel like I don't want to watch porn.

I REGRET: somethings', not many. I learn from regret, it's the greatest teacher.

I AM NOT: Moody!!! I'm just tossing yer shit back at ya.

I DANCE: Every chance I can get with my children, well and then there's sometimes at the club.... errr. K, I don't dance at the club like I do with my children. And thought is kind of disgusting actually.

I SING: Unfortunately.

I CRY: Not as often as I used to, but I do.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: on time, but I'm always there when you call.

I MADE: This really neat paper mache' dong for a festival last year and I wore it on my head.

I WRITE: Because they pay me sometimes.

I CONFUSE: Shit all the time, just strike me with the obvious and see which direction it goes because often I just don't get it.

I NEED: I plead the fifth on this one.

I SHOULD: Do what I NEED to do *snicker*

I START: Twitching sometimes, so maybe I SHOULD.

I FINISH: Everything at the last minute, I need to work on that.

*I believe: only 20% of what I hear and 110% of what I see.

*I know: That my life style is mis-construed all the time.

*I can: Do anything I set my mind to.

*I can't: Make you do the same.

*I see: dead people.

*I blog: I used to know that answer to that question.

*I read: Poetry. I love Poetry.

*I am aroused by: Intellect, Wit, and somebody that doesn't feel intimidated but instead 'at home' with me.

*It pisses me off: That only one of my nipples gets hard sometimes.

*I find: change in my pants.

*I like: Men and women that fit the criteria of "I am aroused by"

*I love: boyshorts. I'm not a thong fan... Get over it! If I'm wearing underwear at all it's gotta be boyshorts or hipsters. And that's settled.
****

I can't tag anyone because everybody has already been tagged or done something similar, so I suppose I would like it if you have read this and want to do it, to please let me know because I would be thrilled and delighted to see what you come up with... Especially you Tequila Girl and Sass!!!

Alright, I'm back to contractual fibers and strengthening your prostate... You folks stay cool.

I am the F

Alright so this weekend was the first real worthy fishing trip of the season, and dammit I gotta say... I'm wiped. I pretty much rode all day on auto-pilot since I have at least 28 hours of sleep to catch up on. And no time to catch-up on it, heh, I'm fucking tired. Anyway, I promised fishin' stats and details...

This is the Pink Taco... I promised Scumbag a picture. It's actually teal, however it wouldn't be offensive enough if we called it The Teal Taco.

Anyway...

Friday night I barrel-assed to the lake, made a 4.5 hour run into 2.75. Nevermind the fact that I was leap frogging the back highway roads blaring "Highway to Hell" on my dope sound system (insert sarcastic tone here)and gnawing on pepperoni sticks at approx. 95 mph on average. Fuck the 70 speed limit, I got somewhere to go.

Lesson learned though: Chicken with Hay trucks can be fun sometimes.

Once we got to camp, we got hammered. Not just kinda hammered... No no that would be boring. We got smashed at the outdoor bar near the lodge, did shots, ducked for the bats that flew through every so often, and tried to take pictures...

Yes I said bats. In the bar.
It was an outdoor bar after all.

We tried to talk J's husband into getting his .22 out for some target practice, but since it was a public establishment we thought maybe that wasn't such a good idea this time.

And fuck you, my drunk picture taking rocks!!

Further I'm not the only one that tried to take a picture that night... Hence this lovely picture of me, that to this day J blames on the 'camera setting'.

By 1am we made it back to the cabin, got a game plan for the early run, and passed out. Well, J and her husband did... I got laid. Interesting how when you share a 1 bedroom cabin it makes 'sneaker sex' just intense. Though, I just said "fuck it" the minute I heard them snoring and proceeded to get on top and just get mine... twice.

Alcohol is like a one night stand. Feels sooo good when you nail it, but not so good the next morning.

Saturday Morning at 5am we launched the Pink Taco and it was fish on once we hit the bays.

The water levels at the lake were near record lows, which gave us an opportunity to chart the flats we normally fish OVER. Yep, levels were 60ft down and it showed. Our normal camping spot 'the point' was no longer water level, it was about 30 feet up a sand "tit". Hence the need for a cabin...

This a shot I took of the lake from 'the point' last year in September:

This is what it looked like on Saturday, from the lake to 'the point':

See those little itty bitty trees up there? Those would be the trees I'm standing between in the first picture. Yep.

September trip forecast: Will rock because we marked the flats and tits on the GPS, and will find them when the water levels rise. Nope, not cheating.. Strategy.

We did pretty well on Saturday considering we were out until dusk. We hit the rock walls, the reed beds, and the sunken thickets in perfect 62 degree water.. *sigh*

I caught 24.

In total on Saturday we caught 73 fish. Mostly small mouth, some perch, some wall-eye. J had a monster (10lb.) wall-eye that snapped her line when he thrashed the surface and bolted to the floor. We all had a moment of silence and a beer after that, since, well that was an ugly ass fish.

Saturday night we played crib til late. Again I was hammered. Ever played crib while drunk? Takes you 10 minutes to add 7 and 18. Even longer to remember that you would need a 6 to make 31. I, again, was too fucked-up to take moon pictures. Sorry folks.

I did not get laid, instead I passed out.

Sunday morning we hit another lake on the way home, great great great fucking bays with reed beds completely lining the sides. The presence of bald eagles nesting in the trees above a smaller offlet meant that there were fish in them thar beds, so we hit em... And it was a fucking success.

Yep, I got the sweet fish with a perfect cast into the shadow of a sunken thicket. AND I drew the 'first blood' title of the day. This makes Emma a very very happy girl you see, because a 'first blood' pat on the back PLUS catching the sweet fish is indeed a rarity.

I was a god for that moment fuckers... Bass master Emma even. I was the only one that caught a large mouth too.

I'm tellin ya... Ego inflation at it's most. I got cocky of course, and why the hell not?

Eat my ass everyone, this baby was 5 pounds with a mouth so big I stuck my fist in the fucker, kissed it, and threw it back to make babies.

I got the "sweet-fish-way-to-bring-it-to-the-boat-title", and damn I felt golden. Seems every Mothers Day trip the universe blesses me with a 'gift-fish'... Two years ago it was a small mouth 7 pound sweet heart that I fought for three minutes in a windy bay...

In total between the four of us approx. 110 fish were caught, four 24 packs of beer were drank, 2 bottles of Vodka annihilated, and 30+ games of crib were stumbled through. I'd say it was a successful trip.

Sunday afternoon was a blur as we drove home. Again, me at 90mph blasting "Natural Joe" chewing on Twizlers and realizing that I need to stop chewing on shit. I sooo want to discuss the drive, but to do so would bore the hell out of you.

Lesson learned: Faking orgasms in the car rocks.
Bonus lesson: If you start hallucinating while driving, it's best to pull over because dodging gophers on a freeway when they're not really there is sobering.

HI MOM!!! Shit I almost forgot!!!

For all you mutha's out there... Had to wish you a Happy Mothers Day!


Yes, let's all remember... I have two boys... And no doubt this will be my destiny. But god damnit that rocks. I love it.

Happy Mothers day Ladies... and men that wear aprons and take their kids to story-time at Barnes & Noble... they count too.

Alright, I'm outta here!!

Roly Poly Fish heds fer two damn days

My pussy is wet as hell right now. I'm all giddy and excited...


( <--- fishin cam )


The 'adult' fishing trip is upon us!!

That's right, two and a half days out in the wilderbush of the outerbackish dunghole of our state.
Which just happens to be the very best of fishing spots to be offered without ass holes on sea-do's tearing up your sweet spot. And it's beautiful as hell... Makes yer eye just kinda tear up like a hooker gagging on 10 inches, don't it?

What makes this trip different from the others? Wuh-hell THIS trip is no limits fishing, no rules, no curfews, no responsibilities besides not getting ourselves killed. Unlike the other 'day trip don't-drink-too-much-ya-gotta-drive-home-in-four-hours' trips, these trips are the epitome of everything inappropriate and adult.

We say fuck a lot.
We do stupid shit.
We drink like... fish. Beer yes, good.

Yep, it's a drunken fucking balls-out blast... And it's all mine. 14 hours of fishin, 6 hours of drunken cribbage... 4 hours (if that) of sleep and it's out on the water again.

AND, It's women against men.

Which makes it suhWEET because the competition's top notch. Two women, two men... Both couples competitive and in need to win the title of "Holy shit that's a nice fuckin fish! Way to bring it to the boat!"

Yep, the minute the poles hit the water 'games on' and it's a count on quality and quantity for the rest of the weekend. All you hear is our mouths talking shit and our reels making that thzzzzzzzzz sound when we cast. Usually I'll feel the strain from my arms around 3pm and have to slam beers to kill the pain. But just like a triathlete pisses while he pedals... We marathon fish through the blood, sweat, and sunburn just to see who's gonna get the shit chores.

HA. *sigh*
It will be in the 70's, and well.. sunny, hot. Bikini weather. YES. Heaven.

This year, my ass is gonna win the most fish caught.. I just fucking feel it.

I have my tackle box re-stocked like a fuckin' champ. I got minnows, baby bass, 4" and 6" lizards, senko's of all sizes and colors, tubes, spinner baits, rapalas, and even my trustworthy grubs... I got 10 pound line re-stocked on my reel.. And my has been broken in nicely from the last day-trip. It's a beautiful thing people... loverly.

Y'all have a great weekend, drunk texts are welcome and will be returned :)

Taking the gag-ball out for HNT

Ahhhh nothing dictates breaking a vacation like an assignment that really hits the heart of wanting to spread my word-seed around. I wrote this article for a different venue, but really felt I had to put it up here tonight.

*dickclaimer: I apologize for my man rant yesterday. My husband put me in my place. Enough said. I still want you all to have fresh hookers and beer though.

***

I get a phone call from my editor regarding a 'hot' news story happening in St. Louis about a second grade girl that was assaulted on the playground by twelve 6-8 year old boys during a school recess. Of course this dictated urgency as anything sexually related to our youth we feel necessary to capture and learn from to distinguish premature perversion from normal adolescence. Being me and the unabandoned word-smith that I am; I jump on the story, and here I sit prepared to spew my editorial-- Hold on tight.

From reading the Reuters, the yahoo, the CNN, and every other local Missouri online news venue of my choice I find that the story gets more convoluted as I continue through the updates of the day. By 5pm my time it seems nobody really has their story straight at Columbus Elementary and neither do we. Go figure.

Calling a news station you always get the run around and insinuated diluted information from the news representatives they have on hand. I suppose it doesn't bother me that I cannot speak directly with the author of these pieces to establish information, but that instead I get smoke blown up my ass about 'this or that' or how the St. Louis School District is investigating the extent of abuse. Hrmph. To me it sounds like utter embarrassment about making a mountain out of a mole hill.

So you dig, and you hit the right person that gives you about as much inside information' as a nugget of shit that you labored fifteen minutes and two magazines for. Vein poppage for nothing but a wet fart disturbs the piss out of me...
Allegations are that two boys were touching her inappropriately and there was no struggle. No real factual evidence of assault, but the fact the boys' body parts came in contact with a girls' body parts (under consentual age) exhibits assault. Right agreed okay, I see that.

By book it is assault I suppose. Legalities draw huge borderlines over consensual age and "adolescent grooming". I am a parent as well and do attest that there would absolutely be hardcore assault of some kind happening in my house if I knew my son was tampering with something 'child-proof' on the play ground. You have my acceptance in that regard.

But in the way I can be an unaccepting liberal bitch with a tongue that cuts cement blocks in two I have to vent. If it is true that there was no struggle and instead widespread voyuerism and curiosity on that playground, don't back peddle now. With respect to the parents, teachers, and students of Columbia Elementary and the St. Lois associated press I will say this:

So, a girl lays down and says fine touch me to two other boys on a playground? And they do? Um. Wait, there's a question as to WHY this happened? And you can't believe Johnny would do that, he's never insinuated in any way that he would do something like that... I'm so embarrassed and upset that my child would do such a thing since we've never talked about sex. Where is he getting this stuff from?!?!?

Are you people high?

Maybe you should be? Where are our lovely Canadians to bring a eighth of that good shit down to our misconstrued parents in St. Louis?!?!? Not all of you parents, just the ones that should be beer bonging right now.

But I jumped right over to drugs there didn't I? Alright then, let's talk about our youth and how we choose to hinder their souls with sex, drugs, and violence shall we? Okay, wellll. Let me start this off with a shocker... It's ALWAYS BEEN HERE! How we choose to handle it in society dictates how our children will learn it.

Fact: Our parents are more screwed up in this regard than we are. The generation just before us are confused. As we were given the chance to explore our parents 'free love' phases and learn about menstruation at the 'right time' instead of being pushed into a cubby about when do I tell him what his penis is for? Will he find out on his own? Maybe I should just run with it until it becomes a problem?

Okay, I have actually witnessed more than one disraught parent trying to figure out if the first time she kisses a boy they should buy 'the sex book' and have a talk. Because we fret and bite our nails about our children's sexuality we forget our chemical makeup and where we come from. I talk to my son in gradual phases, as it comes along. I don't need to hunker him down with a forum on 'the change of becoming a man' and show him flash cards of a g-spot.

But dammit if he asks me what a g-spot is I would answer it honestly and with respect to a woman's vagina. Maybe when he's an adult and respectably practicing his own sexual democracy I will share exactly how to hit that g-spot on his wife and listen to him gag at the knowledge of his mom sharing that information. I've ranted enough.

It comes down to human sexuality. Homo Sapiens are only a an intellectual species of animal with opposable thumbs. We reason, we have intellect, we can decide whether we've had too much to drink most times, we have a conscience sometimes too. However, we have hormones that give us the ability to be instinctual and immensely horny in the fact that we need to procreate. No, I don't believe this St. Louis debacle is attributed to horniness, eww.

But I do believe that in fact we are curious of the others equipment from the get-go because we have the need for species survival and population. We, as animals, need to breed... It's what we do. It's our urge, our ability... It's inbred into our genes like the Hox and mutates how we choose to exhibit and begin the confidence of our curiosity.

Basically, it's not about the instinct because that has never changed, but with a society shoving and selling tits and ass on your MTV instead of music videos and a jump on video games teetering on a mature rating for our teens it's not hard to see why our children are confused and afraid to talk to any one about it but themselves.

I weep for this. Because you scratch your head and it makes complete sense to me. Hundreds of years ago women married and bore children as soon as they began menstruation. What median age was that? Hmmm 13-16 as a matter of fact. It wasn't until much later that people realized there was polygamy and disturbed angry young adult women killing 'masta' with a shotgun 'cause she'd bore his 12 children and now he's left her with no option but to starch his shirts for the next 30 years. Check your history, it's there. It's called women's liberation.

Two years the press made a stink about our children maturing too fast physically. Girls were beginning to blossom at 9 or 10 years of age instead of 13-16. It was insane to imagine a fourteen year old being sexually active, and it was unacceptable. Two years ago the pre-teen pregnancy rate in Idaho was astonishing. Read that again people, pre-teen.

Could it be that indeed like the Hox our race is mutating and growing earlier faster? Don't get me started on my theory of evolution or conspiracy theories, but if they can repair my kidney through genetic pharmaceuticals, why isn't it possible that with each and every generation we bear into this world the DNA strand contorts just a tad? Uh-huh, it's possible.

Bind that with the basic instinct as humans and animals to survive, to satisfy curiosity, and to pro-create and it becomes as simple as 5th grade math.

Let's not sit and beat ourselves up over our youth. Let's be pro-active instead of re-active and try to embrace the heart of the problem, let's speak with our children frankly and honestly about their interests. Lets give some stock in what they're doing during the day, what they're thinking, and who they're hanging out with. Let's get a little interested in what they're interested in and talk deeply to them about life and beliefs and a little about yourself.

I guarantee you money back that they will blossom into a fountain of opportunity for you to present a very sensitive and realistic topic to them without disdain, misconstrued ideals and/or a need to discover something that should be respected, not finger-poke on the play ground of our schools.

As an end, let's just be secure and admit to the fact that though we are the dominant species on this earth we are still only here for one thing no matter what the age. We cannot stop the experience of growth and exploration of what we're here for, we can only be the safety line for the next generation to understand and learn from our mistakes, even if we're making those mistakes as adults, and parents. Consider yourself spanked for forgetting what animal instinct is and ignoring it until it becomes an "issue".

Now, I'm going to go have a parent teacher conference about my three year old standing in the girls bathroom playing 'observation' after nap time, somebody get on the phone with those great cannucks and have them hand down some Canadian Green.

***

Thanks for taking the time to read that. Hope you did. I thought it kicked ass for a centerfold editorial piece. Fuckin' awesome.

oh, and Happy HNT.
(what, like I'm gonna leave you high and dry on a Thursday?!?! As IF!)



If you want to learn more about HNT, click on the rolling box and talk to my big sweet HNT daddy, Osbasso!

No, im still hiatusing!!!

More beer and fresh hookers for my men please.


ya'll are pissy... snap the fuck out of it.

had to be said. Carry on.

Getting down to brass tackle boxes.

Today sucked ass. It was Monday, people were grouchy... admittantly I am no exception.

Dunno what was in the air (or water) but I have become increasingly sensitive to this blog and have really been itching to hit that 'delete' button. Honestly, its for no specific reason, but instead a bunch of them. I find it a struggle sometimes to put things into words, or even the correct words... then I write and delete. Write and delete... write and delete.

I don't do this normally... thoughts just kinda flow and all.

I really have no desire to delete this though... and no matter how much I try to convince myself I'm done, I'm not... and to say that I am would be not only lying to me, but to everybody else.

I am a lot of things, but I'm not a liar. That being said...

All in all I'm really okay, just have a need to step away for awhile and re-capture my essence... I have way too much to do and too little time to do it and though I love this blog and all of you that read everyday... I have to take a book off of my proverbial bookshelf. This is a big book....

May has always been a high-stress month, don't know why it has to be... since it's full of celebration and good things. Ahead of me I have an awesome fishing trip to tackle this weekend, a HUGE seminar next weekend... and an impending trip in the near future I'm really looking forward to. That's right fucker smile, I said I was looking forward to it.

So why stress? There's no need!! Right? Right.

In the meantime, I'll be kicking around... bothering you most likely...

And with that... I hereby declare myself 'hiatused.'

Blew Monday

Thanks to all that made Fridays party such a fuckin blast! I can't say enough how umm, wonderful the event was. If the demand is there I will write about it some, but I'll spare you the details unless you're really interested.

I mean, I could sit here and blow smoke up your ass... but I'm not in the mood.

Happy Monday.

heh. fucker!

This was one of my birthday GIFts, fuckin' hilarious i tell ya!



Aww my Nizzle... Thanks for the laughs, my stomach still hurts like hell from giggling. Exactly what a good hang-over needed... Thank god I didn't get that while I was driving tho, woulda been awful distrating!!!

Now I have to find something as equally silly for you, fah shizzle doh. thanks :)

Cinco de FFF

Happy Triple FFF and a hearty handshake to the end of this week! Hooray!
For most of you it's been a difficult 5 days, teetering on insane... So you especially deserve a large Dos Equis and Lime for your mental stability and over-all health.

Cheers to peeking down the pants of life and saying "WTF is THAT?!?!"

I think, I will expect the 9:44 phone call this evening reminding me of the moments just prior to my first breath of life... Mom does it every year, closely followed by my dad jumping on the phone and doing a somewhat horrible redition of "Happy Birthday" by The Beatles. Honestly sounds like cheech marin with his leg caught in a bear trap. Poor dad.

Scumbag made a comment about me 'shutting this down' for awhile, the blog...etc. Not so, just need to start varying my work and stepping away some days to get shit done and deadlines met. This does not mean I don't miss you and like to look in on wtf you're doing, it means I simply need to work. And research, and get my reviews finished.

Plus I have that damn speech coming up and I'm still looking for a good opener!!! Anybody that can give me a creative lead in on it let me know... The subject is Maintaining Healthy Ejaculation, I welcome any one liners or tasteful transitions you could throw at me...heh.

ejaculation .. tasteful.. heh. throw it at me... again, heh.

****
The other night I had the opportunity to do my lovely research for the M/M short story erotica I'll be working on next week. If you had read the history behind this you'd know that I was offered to sit in on a mono-e-mono love making fest between a man, and a man. So yeah, got that crossed off my list *fanning face with list*

Frankly, I mean, it was a very intimate situation and well, actually it was downright sexy as fuck. I mean duh, I'd seen man on man action before, and it never ceases to captivate me... not sure what it is, but.. I'd only previously observed from a distance, in a crowd of other welcome distractions, or on my 36" at home.

Imagine for a moment your very own private sex show, and lucky for me these men were rather decent if not pretty. I sat and tried to keep my fingers busy as I watched them, texting "T" like a madwoman... They didn't seem to mind though, so what the fuck?!!?!

I research, I give my homeslice the play-by-play... It was tightness...

And then they started moaning and saying shit about how good it felt and looking at me and well, smiling.. and wtf guys jesus just stroke each other dammit don't tempt me to want to be part of this by making eye contact!!!

*blank stare, slight chin droppage as I work the qwerty board on the phone fumbling*

I got the urge to touch them as they moved together.... I just wanted to touch them!!! My fingers got all itchy and needy and there was no amount of note taking or texting to snuff those urges dammit.

So quickly I would text to T "jesus this is hot i just wanna touch one"...

after some banter back and forth I believe it ended with her saying something to the effect of "Did u touch?! Ha, Im guessing if u did u wont text back!"

i didn't text back, no. Not until about 30 or so minutes later *snerk*

*Sigh* I HEART research.

***
Putting an end to this week, and a good cap to my birthday I get to attend a huge party of epic proportions in my favor tonight. I will have a red head on my arm and a song in my step... and hell yeah the husbands going and I'm all about the sharing!

SO without further adieu, I leave you with a couple good laughs... The author of this contribution will remain anonymous, but I couldn't help but put this on here and well, you get mad props woman for speaking your mind like a champion!

I read about kegel muscles all the freakin' time in women's magazines: how much guys love it when you can grip their penises like a vise with your va-j-j, how much harder you come when you flex your lady love muscles, etc. Kegel muscles are supposedly sooooo great.

But mine are deadbeats. Seriously - maybe I have a lazy vag. Maybe my kegels like to take it easy and enjoy the ride rather than make any effort during sex.

Other ladies' kegels are like jazzercize instructors, flexing and jumping and pointing and coming. Mine are two potheads watching porn: uninvolved, lazy, happy, stupid.

I (half-heartedly) tried to do the kegel exercises, which consists of just flexing them over and over. My kegels are so fucking lazy that I can't even be sure if I'm flexing the right thing in my pussy - something is moving, but I don't know what it is. It might be my cervix. Can cervixes move?

So fuck those exercises. I realized I don't give a shit whether or not I can hold a dude in my v so tight that it's hard for him to remove himself. What is this, a genital tug-of-war?

So I've decided that if my pussy isn't enough on its own, sucks to be me. I'm not going to sit at my desk flexing my pee-muscles, and I'm not going to feel worthless if ex-boyfriends tell me how amazing their new girlfriends are with tightening up their pussies.

I've had it, kegel muscles. You stay all lazy and useless on your stained, cat-hair love seat, watching your Jenna Jameson and contributing nothing to the activity in my vagina.

bastards.

Giving pieces of ones-self and HNT

This is a very special HNT. I hope you enjoy it. Not sure I will be around much to chat today but I assure you that I am watching your comments, and I will check in from time to time for smiles. Feel free to keep up the naughty lounge in my absence or just send well wishes, I will try to catch up on things Thursday evening as time permits.

I was tagged some time ago by Sugarpunk and Dan.
The challenge(s) were tough for me since it seems all I post is weird stuff about myself, or my sexual likes and dislikes... so to ask me such things would be to repeat a lot of what I've been blogging about.

I think in lieu and with respect to Sugarpunk and Dan I will instead do 25 random observations and/or things about myself ... Some may be ones you've heard, others will be newbies.



1. I feel uncomfortable many times expressing directly how I feel but seem to be fluent in sarcasm. Sarcasm for me is a learned blanket of comfort and defense.

2. I have come to peace with myself and accept that things are.

3. I don't own bikini bottoms, only tops. I have five tops, no bottoms... Imagine that.

4. I was in back to back abusive relationships before I met and married my first husband. I still carry the scar of the cigarette burn on my fore arm where a high-school boyfriend would take pleasure in using me for his human ashtray.

5. I used to co-host a late night jazz show sometimes. Have a great appreciation for Count Basie.

6. Challenges are the greatest character builders - ever. Many of you out there are going through personal battles and challenges of your own. I will share my challenge in hopes you will agree that I understand what it's like to have your hope mashed like potatoes', regardless of why, how, or what it is:

This is my challenge, you're looking at the afterglow of dialysis and isn't it pretty? (and yes, I normally get tracks on both arms...

I wear my challenge on my sleeve, literally. Yeah, I get to feel my body disintegrate every so often. I reflect on what it may be like to finally hear that I will no longer need this treatment. Every time I look at this I wonder if I will get to see my son graduate high school... The realization that I might not is the heart of the challenge, and the most painful. K, sorry .. That pic is especially nasty because my arm actually 'exploded' three days before that shot was taken.

7. I promised Sass the grossness pic, and I haven't been good on keeping with emailing her, or any body for that matter... I apologize all the time but I never just dig in. That, I would say is my biggest fault... My in-box.

8. I admire any one that can be sincere most of the time.

9. When blindfolded and silenced, your senses become acute... my fingertips love the dance and stimulation of exploring another persons body, not hearing them move around me.

10. I cry myself to sleep at night too.

11. Cherokee Indians believed that your soul left the earth when you died by way of a crow... I despise Crows. And I'll be damned if one didn't perch on my roof Sunday and not be shoo'd away. I throw stones at crows. Fuckers.

12. Pot stickers in Vegas are not very good. Don't waste your $16.75 on them unless the company is worth it.

13. Sometimes the company makes all the difference.

14. My husband and I don't keep secrets. I have a strong foundation. Sometimes we don't see eye-to-eye... But we accept each others differences.

15. I am intentionally not putting anything blatantly sexual in this post because I wanted to focus on the last 32 years... I find the last ten to have been extremely character building though... At least sexually.

16. I grew more in my twenties than I did as a child and teen. I am wise and and all powerful now... At least to myself. Thirty has been kind to me.

17. I love football, I love sports. Im not just one of those chicks that watches to please you... Football is in fact my favorite sport... If you don't consider fishing to be a sport.

18. Next weekend is the first 'adult' fishing trip of the season. It will be rowdy and obnoxious and distant from the world. There will be a full moon that Saturday night.

19. The most beautiful thing in the world to me is looking up to the full moon on a clear night east of the mountains. With a beer in my hand. I'll take a picture of it weather permitting, post it up here for ya.

20. I have taught my kids that lifes lessons need to be learned. That does not mean that I allow them to do whatever and say "I told you so". This means that I have patience and permit them to attempt to fly first before I offer assistance. Sometimes when I jump off that bandwagon of thought things don't work out so well and I smother... The best parenting advice I can give to ya is not to over-bear, they need elbow room to grow into their own person.

21. Dilf fuckers are rocking the baseball caps and I hate you for that in a very good way.

22. I am a bi-sexual swinger, I like men and women... Equal opportunity employer.

23. I have to stop now because I'm being distracted....

IN all I guess I want to just say that I have loved the last 32 years of my life, every year I have gained wisdom, strength, and the ability to believe that there is always tomorrow, and never a need for burning bridges or giving up. I accept people for who they are not what they are, and I am love with life almost as much as it's loved me.

I no longer need to search for the person I am because I'm right here. And I'm the genuine article and golden to you if you believe in me as much as I believe in you --- from the git go. I may lax and negate my email sometimes and for that I apologize, but I think of you everyday and wish the universal blessings on you all... all the damn time.

A heartfelt sidenote to myself: Thanks for you. You rock. We've endured some rough shit and the battles long from over... but, I have to say that you have always been a fighter.

A heartfelt sidenote to you: Thanks for believing in me and providing me with the building blocks that make up my own personality and chemistry, we all need more people like you.

As a special err, thanks. The husband and I agreed to post something special for my fans and friends, because we're givers and shit... so, it's not work safe. But feel free to click on the words "Happy HNT" below, and then you wish me a happy birthday or, errr I'll kick your ass.. Maybe.

With that sappiness over, we will continue with our previously scheduled programming tomorrow for Cinco De Mayo... and a very happy celebration for a heart and soul that's had the opportunity to live longer than ever anticipated.

Happy HNT.
(remember clicking this is NOT WORK FRIENDLY)



If you want to learn more about HNT, click on the rolling box and talk to my big sweet HNT daddy, Osbasso!

True dis, True dat. Seriously.

You know, I write and experience a lot of strange shit. No doubt. It amazes me every day how different people can be... If I wasn't so doped off this illness I would totally expound on that fact. But. Sometimes I still find shock in oddities.



Sometimes I'm hit with weird assignments that force me to delve into the dark closets of people much stranger than I, often it seems I understand their motivation for the things we abhor. However I am permitted to be a little taken aback by those who enjoy penetrating and/or enhancing their genitalia with objects that do not belong there.

I have always stuck to the rule that if it's not the real thing, or made specifically for your orgasmic pleasure, do not use it. Whether it's food, everyday house hold items, or even furniture... Think twice before you decide to put it down there people. I can't stress this enough.

To some of you this warning may seem like a no-brainer. But to others who have and/or will do the above I plead with you to spend the $29.99 on a decent vibrator or dong that could do the same (if not better) job than that polish sausage you're eyeing.

Sure, sexual food is permittable... I'm fully aware that there are some kinds of food play in the bedroom that is extremely safe, and should you like to talk about it I will oblige.
But not today, because I'm planning a funeral for an acquaintance who tipped her own scales and died last night from toxic shock syndrome at the hand of a Wine bottle.

It's funny how in society we push the need for safe sex practices and we educate our youth on abstinence and control. It's important, sure... Because we need to fight everyday to re-apply the same message to a new generation in hopes we won't relapse into another STD epidemic.

Fact is, more teenagers and young adults were treated for miscellaneous object penetration and toxic shock syndrome than STD's in the last two years. In 2005 326,384 men and women died from a bizarre sexual practice that was self induced...
You don't hear about these stories on the news, in fact you rarely hear anything related to this anywhere... But I do. So please let this be a warning to ya...

And as a parent, when speaking to your children or teens about sex, please be sure to add what should and shouldn't be used for personal gratification! I know it seems bizarre to structure masturbatory practices with your kids, but it could save their life. So shuck the embarrassment and just put it out there, because 174,656 of those 326,384 people I mentioned above.... Were people under 19.